You're All Gonna Watch Me Disappear Into The Sun

SURPRISE! There's not a song featured in the Now Playing in this blog because, let's be honest, I haven't been listening to ANYTHING but Look What You Made Me Do. So, instead of listing that twice and being even more obnoxious, we'll just skip the NP for this post. But huge shout out to Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol for getting me through a really rough day yesterday. I'll go ahead and title this blog after Lorde's Liability, only because there's a line in it that's really resonating with me all of the sudden. I was going to name it after Dancing With Myself, but that really just doesn't represent what the past few days have been like. Anyways, on to the blog.

So I think I've sort of started a trend here lately, and that's I actually get some writing done on Sundays #ScribingSundays. I woke up, got my coffee ready, and I got into the gig, henny. Of course, per usge, I turned on Lorde's Melodrama and away I went. I only wrote, like, the opening scene of the first chapter of chapter six, but hey, writing is writing. I also started watching, or in this case, I guess it would be rewatching, videos of PK and Mike, a lovely gay couple on YouTube, and I've been literally obsessed. It's a good thing too, because it's literally been one of the few things, aside from the gift that keeps on giving that is Taylor Swift, that's gotten me through most of this work week, so I've been super thankful for them this week. All I really did after finishing with said writing was watching Pike. PK and Mike are literally the cutest ever and I think I just needing some lightheartedness, the exact opposite of what my life, at least my work life, as become. It was a pretty wonderful way to spend the day.

And then, yet again, the Monday mourning came. I can't really explain it. I was fine before I went to sleep, even thinking about going to work, I was A-Okay. But then I woke up and just instantly felt depressed. I feel like this would be so much more easily dealt with if this was an overall feeling, in a way. Like if I felt depressed ALL the time. I don't. It's only when taking in the stress from work and mulling it over in my once auraclear heart. Only now my heart has a vantablack shell. I just, I don't know. The stress just keeps getting to me and getting to me and turning my blood into kerosene and work is flicking the lighter over my skin. It's just too much. It wasn't that it was a bad day or anything, just a day of self-internalizing and an inner monologue filled with stressful scenarios. And once I was home? I was fine. That's what's so bizarre to me. As soon as I leave, or even after I clock out, it's like I'm suddenly able to mentally check myself out of there and I'm fine. Giddy, happy, and just all around the normal me when I'm at home. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced.

The next day at work was pretty bad. I thought waking up for work on Monday was bad, but it turns out, that mourning had absolutely nothing on the muck that Tuesday had conjured up. I almost called out of work. It was that bad. I felt horrible on the inside. Just...so deeply broken and depressed at the thought of going in. I know that makes no sense, my job isn't that crazy, but the stress I guess has leaked its flammable fuel into my veins and that's what's so irritating. It's like, I want to rise above it all and be okay, but when I'm at work, I'm just not okay.

Alright, enough of that. I'm not at work and therefore I'm not feeling that way, so I'm about over talking about it. Hopefully soon I'll be beyond it all and I'll be able to actually have to time to talk to Sean about everything. We actually had a meeting set up for today, but chaos ensued, so that's been delayed, yet again. Who knows when it'll happen, but it didn't today because of the Star Wars thing happening Friday. Force Friday. Then new toys for Episode 8 are coming out, and I'm actually working 4pm to 1am tomorrow. Which will be weird, but I'm ready for it. Whenever my schedule gets shaked up like that, I have less on my mind, and I have as better day. So I'm looking forward to that part. Having to shift the entire action figure aisle mod today though? Not fun. I was supposed to get off at 3 and didn't leave until right at 5:30. So that's how that went.

Ever since I came home Monday from work, I've been immediately coming home and turning on Pike and watching the LWYMMD Video and Lyric Video to gain my 40 views per day on taylorswift.com to up my priority rating haha. I know, I know. I'm Taylor Swift trash and a total mess, but that's what I do for my home girl. Her releasing Look What You Made Me Do, announcing this album, has literally made my year. And I truly mean that. She's given me something to look forward to, something to be completely content and 100% happy about, now more than ever. I couldn't thank her enough for that. I've officially learned all the words to LWYMMD, and it's everything. But bitch when that video premiered at the VMAS Sunday? I LOST IT. The video is absolutely insane. It's perfect. She addressed everything the media has EVER said about her. If I can, I'll link it below, but ya know. It's broken so many records, I couldn't possibly, Jack. She beat the Vevo record for 24 hours AND beat the world record for most viewed video on YouTube EVER. MY QUEEN IS THE QUEEN TO END ALL FAVES. I love her so much. See? This excitement? I'm so thankful for it.

I'm gonna cut this short. I've caught up all rewatching all the Pike videos. I might just start it up again. I'm still watching Queer As Folk at night, and I'm just going to watch it now and just chill. I'm really needing some chill time.

Disappearing into the sun to never be seen again,

-- Jesse