Wednesday, August 30, 2017

You're All Gonna Watch Me Disappear Into The Sun

SURPRISE! There's not a song featured in the Now Playing in this blog because, let's be honest, I haven't been listening to ANYTHING but Look What You Made Me Do. So, instead of listing that twice and being even more obnoxious, we'll just skip the NP for this post. But huge shout out to Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol for getting me through a really rough day yesterday. I'll go ahead and title this blog after Lorde's Liability, only because there's a line in it that's really resonating with me all of the sudden. I was going to name it after Dancing With Myself, but that really just doesn't represent what the past few days have been like. Anyways, on to the blog.

So I think I've sort of started a trend here lately, and that's I actually get some writing done on Sundays #ScribingSundays. I woke up, got my coffee ready, and I got into the gig, henny. Of course, per usge, I turned on Lorde's Melodrama and away I went. I only wrote, like, the opening scene of the first chapter of chapter six, but hey, writing is writing. I also started watching, or in this case, I guess it would be rewatching, videos of PK and Mike, a lovely gay couple on YouTube, and I've been literally obsessed. It's a good thing too, because it's literally been one of the few things, aside from the gift that keeps on giving that is Taylor Swift, that's gotten me through most of this work week, so I've been super thankful for them this week. All I really did after finishing with said writing was watching Pike. PK and Mike are literally the cutest ever and I think I just needing some lightheartedness, the exact opposite of what my life, at least my work life, as become. It was a pretty wonderful way to spend the day.

And then, yet again, the Monday mourning came. I can't really explain it. I was fine before I went to sleep, even thinking about going to work, I was A-Okay. But then I woke up and just instantly felt depressed. I feel like this would be so much more easily dealt with if this was an overall feeling, in a way. Like if I felt depressed ALL the time. I don't. It's only when taking in the stress from work and mulling it over in my once auraclear heart. Only now my heart has a vantablack shell. I just, I don't know. The stress just keeps getting to me and getting to me and turning my blood into kerosene and work is flicking the lighter over my skin. It's just too much. It wasn't that it was a bad day or anything, just a day of self-internalizing and an inner monologue filled with stressful scenarios. And once I was home? I was fine. That's what's so bizarre to me. As soon as I leave, or even after I clock out, it's like I'm suddenly able to mentally check myself out of there and I'm fine. Giddy, happy, and just all around the normal me when I'm at home. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced.

The next day at work was pretty bad. I thought waking up for work on Monday was bad, but it turns out, that mourning had absolutely nothing on the muck that Tuesday had conjured up. I almost called out of work. It was that bad. I felt horrible on the inside. deeply broken and depressed at the thought of going in. I know that makes no sense, my job isn't that crazy, but the stress I guess has leaked its flammable fuel into my veins and that's what's so irritating. It's like, I want to rise above it all and be okay, but when I'm at work, I'm just not okay.

Alright, enough of that. I'm not at work and therefore I'm not feeling that way, so I'm about over talking about it. Hopefully soon I'll be beyond it all and I'll be able to actually have to time to talk to Sean about everything. We actually had a meeting set up for today, but chaos ensued, so that's been delayed, yet again. Who knows when it'll happen, but it didn't today because of the Star Wars thing happening Friday. Force Friday. Then new toys for Episode 8 are coming out, and I'm actually working 4pm to 1am tomorrow. Which will be weird, but I'm ready for it. Whenever my schedule gets shaked up like that, I have less on my mind, and I have as better day. So I'm looking forward to that part. Having to shift the entire action figure aisle mod today though? Not fun. I was supposed to get off at 3 and didn't leave until right at 5:30. So that's how that went.

Ever since I came home Monday from work, I've been immediately coming home and turning on Pike and watching the LWYMMD Video and Lyric Video to gain my 40 views per day on to up my priority rating haha. I know, I know. I'm Taylor Swift trash and a total mess, but that's what I do for my home girl. Her releasing Look What You Made Me Do, announcing this album, has literally made my year. And I truly mean that. She's given me something to look forward to, something to be completely content and 100% happy about, now more than ever. I couldn't thank her enough for that. I've officially learned all the words to LWYMMD, and it's everything. But bitch when that video premiered at the VMAS Sunday? I LOST IT. The video is absolutely insane. It's perfect. She addressed everything the media has EVER said about her. If I can, I'll link it below, but ya know. It's broken so many records, I couldn't possibly, Jack. She beat the Vevo record for 24 hours AND beat the world record for most viewed video on YouTube EVER. MY QUEEN IS THE QUEEN TO END ALL FAVES. I love her so much. See? This excitement? I'm so thankful for it.

I'm gonna cut this short. I've caught up all rewatching all the Pike videos. I might just start it up again. I'm still watching Queer As Folk at night, and I'm just going to watch it now and just chill. I'm really needing some chill time.

Disappearing into the sun to never be seen again,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Hiss Hiss, Bitch

| Now Playing: Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift |

I don't like your little games,
Don't like your tilted stage.
The role you made me play,
Of the fool, no I don't like you.
I don't like your perfect crime,
How you laugh when you lie.
You said the gun was mine,
Isn't cool, no I don't like you.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time,
Honey I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.
I got a list of names and yours is in red underlined.
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Oh, look what you made me do,
Look what you made me do.
Look what you just made me do,
Look what you just made me do.
Oh, look at what you made me do,
Look what you made me do.
Look what you just made me do,
Look what you just made me do.

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me,
I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.
I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now.
Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead!

Wow. Literally wow. This has been an incredible few days since my last blog post, mainly because of the gracious angel that is Taylor Alison Swift. But before I even get into that, I literally almost forgot to post this blog haha. Literally, I was laying in bed, doing a massive binge of PK and Mike videos, and I looked at the time randomly and it just hit me all of the sudden that it was Saturday, and that it was almost ready to turn into Sunday. Oopsie Daisy. Anyway, lego my eggo.

So in my last blog I talked about it being my last day at Academy for work, and I was glad to be done with all the learning and testing, but I just wasn't ready to go back to my store. It's no secret that it's been more than a little rough on me lately, and I've been dealing with some pretty dark feelings as of late, but it actually turned out to be really great. So this week, we're doing all these events to raise money for CMN, and Wendy and I missed the Pie In The Face event, where all of upper management gets pied in the face with every donation, because we were at Academy, but we came back just in time for the Dunk Tank on Thursday. Work was alright enough to accommodate the Dunk Tank event, thankfully. I actually ended up going with Cheryl to go get the thing because I'm pretty much known as the Mighty Muscle around the store because I'm totes masc so that was fun. Then the entire day was spent dunking all of the managers. And ya girl right here was literally the MVP of the day. By the time it got to Kelly, I was throwing some serious heat, and got her about thirty times. It was a pretty cool way to come back to the store, and alleviated a lot of my feelings. I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to Sean, but all in due time.

And it was no secret, because I was shouting it from the rooftops and literally telling everyone that I knew, that Taylor was dropping a new single on Thursday night, and a bitch was hype. I literally came home from work and tried to get a nap in because I knew Taylor was about to fuck me the fuck up and I was staying up until midnight to listen to it since I still had to work in the morning (Especially since I couldn't cut any of my overtime, but more on that in a sec). I woke up around 8:30 (Actually, I was woken up but *insert hands up face emoji*) and took a shower, put on my Taylor Swift 1989 Tour shirt and a bitch got ready for the release. It was a lot of patiently/impatiently waiting, but holy fucking shit was it worth the wait. It was so worth the three years of waiting.

So everyone assumed that the single, which STILL had no name or anything, was going to drop early, because iTunes has a tendency of doing just that. 1989 I think came out at like 10:50 or something back when it came out, but that was not the case with the new single. There were so many rumors on the name of it, from Timeless, which was going around since she dropped the trio of snake videos, to About To Explode, and it was also mentioned that it might be eight minutes and forty seconds long, but none of that ended up happening. About thirty minutes before midnight, and about ten minutes before the song officially came out, Beats 1 tweeted a picture that listed Taylor's new single as 'Look What You Made Me Do' and the Swifties were FLIPPING. But Taylor's tweet came through on my phone at around 10:40, and it was legit. The first single was out, and it was indeed called Look What You Made Me Do.

In true "I just started a YouTube channel, and I crave exposure" fashion, I recorded my reaction of LWYMMD. I'll insert it here so anyone who wants to see how much of a mess I am can leave me a comment telling me what I already know.

So that happened. I didn't really say much in this reaction as I did in my reaction to Kesha's Rainbow album, but that's because I was shooketh to the core, sis. Like, I can't even wrap my head around that we even got a new single, let alone that it's like, a living, breathing, entity existing in the world. It's so good. It's so fucking good. I have a tendency of overplaying the shit out of her lead singles, not gonna lie. I played the shit out of both Shake It Off and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together when they first came out, and I eventually not only got tired of them, but they also became some of my least favorite Taylor songs, mostly because of that. I really don't want that to happen to LWYMMD, but I don't think it will. The song is exactly what I've been wanting. I can't tell you how much I've told people that I just want Dark Pop from Taylor, dark themes, dark beats, and just some darkness. Look What You Made Me Do gives me that shit on every level, and that's why it's my favorite lead single from her, and also why I don't think I'm going to tire of it anytime soon.

Work on Friday was good, too. It was Dunk Tank Day Two, so that was even better. I got to dunk Sean, even though we didn't get to talk, except for how much overtime I had and that I had to leave at 11:15. Yeah. 11:15. I left work at 11:15. I decided to head down and surprise Benzo at her workplace, and after waiting for her for a little while, she finally came back from Rocky Mount and we shared some lunch at Sonic (FUCK those mozzarella sticks were bomb af) and it was fun to catch up. I also stopped by at surprised Mom at her new LPN job and we got to do some catching up. That was all fun and games.

I came home and literally chillaxed for the rest of the day Friday. I can't even really remember what all I did, besides uploading my LWYMMD reaction. Oh, the tickets thing. So Taylor is doing something different this time around with tour, and it comes in the form of Ticketmaster. You have to sign up through the website, to get exclusive access to tickets. You pick a location, and confirm your account, and then you start doing certain activities to gain "boosts" which move up your place in line and your priority rating. It's really weird, but ya girl is determined to get really good fucking seats on the reputation tour after how subpar my seats were for 1989 tour. I have to be there, we're about to get our bonus, and I'll have the money. Some of the boost activities require money though, like preordering albums and buying merch. So I bought literally the least expensive item on the store, which was a pop socket for my phone. So that happened. I preordered the album on iTunes, and then today I ordered the magazine versions from Target. 72 page magazine with handwritten lyrics and POETRY FROM TAYLOR?? Sign me the fuck up. But yeah. So my priority rating right now is high, but I'm worried about it dropping. That's the downside to this new thing, I suppose.

And today, I've just been the epitome of Lays Potato Chips. I was planning on writing some, but I wasn't feeling it. I needed another day of detox I guess, because I haven't done much besides spend more money on upping my priority rating on I've also watched a shit ton of YouTube today, because I've just really needed a relaxing day. Oh, I also got the phone case I ordered on Tuesday! It's supes cute, blue, and is basically like the cheaper sister of the LifeProof cases and I live. The only downside? It covers up the speakers on the bottom, and the receiver for calls, which is weird because this is specifically made for iPhone 7 Plus, and it doesn't accommodate those features. But it's amazing. I love it. It'll look even better once I get my reputation pop socket. Anyway, I've fallen back into PK and Mike's videos, which I haven't watched in literally over a year, and I'm going back to the beginning and watching them all. I love to live vicariously through the lives of strangers. Even though I swear Mike looks so familiar, maybe it's just because he's from Virginia, but who can never be sure.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping I can actually get some writing done. But we shall see. And here's hoping I can actually enter my damn album preorder info into and get my extra boosts bitch. And let's just have a massive round of applause for Taylor Swift for having the most perfect, dark, intense clapback song of the year. 2017 is officially saved.

Hissing at the haters,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


| Now Playing: Supercut by Lorde |

'Cause in my head,
In my head I do every right.
When you call,
When you call I forgive and not right.
Because ours are the moments I play in the dark,
We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart.

In your car, the radio up.
In your car, the radio up.
We keep trying to talk about us,
I'm someone you maybe might love.
I'll be your quiet afternoon crush,
Be your violent overnight rush,
Make you crazy over my touch.

But it's just a supercut of us, supercut of us.
Oh it's just a supercut of us, supercut of us.

BITCH. Okay, so let's get into this gig henny, because so much has happened in almost every way since my last blog that for every bit of that one that was short? This one will be twice as long. I want to start off first by saying that the only reason that Lorde is in the NP (I know, for, like, the third or fourth time) is because Taylor Swift's single hasn't dropped yet. I'll get into more on Taylor Swift and her mic drop shenanigans in a second, but I've just been so obsessed with Lorde and mainly Melodrama lately. As I've previously stated, it's the soundtrack to my second book, that I'm currently working on, and so whenever I'm writing, I put on Melodrama. So even when I'm not writing, like driving on the way too and from work, it's Melodrama that I'm listening to, and Supercut has been the latest to join restless brain. Now that that's out of the way, let's kick this shit into overdrive because ya girl has a lot to cover and tonight's Big Brother night, so mama's on a time crunch.

So on my last blog, I talked about how on my day off on Saturday, I didn't really do a whole lot because it had been a pretty emotionally draining week and I just need a day to be Lays Potato Chips. But that was not the case with my second day off. Sunday was full-speed ahead on getting some work done, and by work, I mean writing. I downed two (honestly, bases on ounces, it's probably four) cups of coffee, and ya reigning ketchup kween was swerving for all ya nerve. I had it in my mind to finally finish chapter five of Book Two that day AND get the entiery of chapter five typed up in Scrivener. And that's exactly what I accomplished. It took my all day, literally a minimum of eight hours, if not more, but it happened. And I was super proud of myself because not only did I reach that personally set goal, but the content bitch. If anyone (as if anyone reads this haha) has read my first book (or that either), this second one is on a whole other level. I don't know what kind of shit I'm on, but it's that good good because this book is churning out some hyperactive soul-sloshing excellence. Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot motherfucker.

I'll try to stop cussing so much, but literally me. Anyways, then we move on to the start of the work week, which, let's be honest, work wasn't great because work really isn't ever great anymore, but I pushed through because of Taylor Swift. Monday was the day of the solar eclipse, and after Taylor had wiped all of her social media on Friday, and left it blank over the whole weekend, the entire Swiftie fandom was S H O O K E T H. Like the struggle was so real, it was on a fishing line (I realize how week of a joke that was, but literally give me a break, I'm still reeling from the news of Taylor's today). And there were so many rumors going around, I can't even begin to type them all out because Lays Potato Chips: The In-Between-quell, but the main rumor was was that Taylor was going to drop a brand new single on our ass Monday.

Okay, so let's set the scene. I'm minding my business, doing my job, it's a little bit after eleven, and I just casually check at my phone. Now, for anyone reading this (lol) that doesn't know, I'm a massive Taylor Swift fan, and that's putting it so mild, salsa is quaking for her position. Taylor follows me on Tumblr (Two years later, and I still can't believe it), and I have notifications set up for when she posts on Tumblr, as well as Twitter. So back to the scene, I casually pick up my phone and see a video was posted on both her Tumblr and Twitter pages. I. Blacked. Out. I remember clutching my chest, my breath hitchhiked across the globe, and I finally got the courage to click on the notifications once my breath made it's round trip back to my lungs. This bitch, with no caption, uploads a ten second, silent video of what appears to be some type of reptile's tail.

LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I was so perplexed. Everyone was saying it had to do something about the Kimye comments about Taylor being a snake, which, by now, it's pretty much confirmed that that's what Taylor's referencing by posting her multiple videos (More on those in a sec). I'll post the videos so anyone (me) can view them. Anyway, so that happened while I was at work and I was completely FREAKING OUT. Like, it's been three years since Taylor Swift put out music, almost like two years since we've heard much from her, a year since we've really seen her out in public, and she wipes her media over the weekend and then posts a video of a snake / some type of reptile tail on Monday? Literally crazy. So that's all us Swifties had. Was the video, which half were saying was a snake and half were saying was a dragon, and rumors. That's all we had. So with the video live and all over the world, the rumor is that the single is going to drop around the time of the eclipse. This was largely do to Joseph Kahn, her director from the Blank Space and Wildest Dreams videos, but, since Joseph Kahn is literally the biggest troll in the fandom, that didn't happen. And if you look closely, there's a five on the tail. Most of us were hoping for a livestream at 5, but that didn't happen. Then it became clear that it meant five days. Friday. A new single on Friday. HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE.

I actually got to witness the eclipse, and I'm really glad I got to experience it. I can't deny that I was a little let down, because even though here in Salem were weren't expecting but 90% totality, I was just expecting for it to get a little bit darker than it did. There's been less light in the sky right before a thunderstorm, but it was still really cool to witness that glowing fingernail in the sky haha. A bunch of us made sure to get to see the eclipse during the beginning and peak times of it, and I'm just glad that I have that story to tell. Like I said during the eclipse, I was waiting for Stone Age medieval darkness.

Yesterday was my first day of Academy. Both Wendy and I were headed to Academy this week, and needless to say, with how much pressure everyone has put on it, we were dreading it a little bit. Me? I was a little ready to get out of my home store for two days, I'm not even trying to lie. And it was refreshing, I'm not ready to go back tomorrow to what I can only assume will be a shitstorm, but I'll get to that later as well. So I get up my normal time, no single from Taylor has dropped overnight, so all is well. I head to the store, meet up with Wendy, we clock in, and then head to Academy over at Valley View. It honestly wasn't too bad. Just a lot to take in and try to retain. Luckily, we could take notes and new that the test we would take today would be open book. So that helped. But it's still nerve racking when you're told you could be demoted if you don't pass it. Like I said, they super hyped up the pressure, and for no reason.

So then, at the same time as yesterday, 11AM, Taylor drops another video on Tumblr and Twitter, and being in class, I couldn't whip out my phone and view it. I felt the vibrate at around 11, and I knew. I just knew. Call it my Swiftie Sense, but ya girl was Raven Symone. *To the tune of "It's the future I can see"* It's the Swiftie Sense in me. I'm a mess, I know. But anyway. This time, the video looks more like snakes, a tangle of them of sorts, and this video is also silent, but 20 seconds long.

What the FUUUUUUCK, right? Like what the hell is going on? It's one thing to post these things, but with no context or caption? It was driving us CRAZY. After looking on Tumblr, some crazy good detective ass Swifties discovered that not only were these images indeed of a snake, but also said that it was a certain type of snake. A bush viper. And after looking it up, there's no doubt. It's definitely that. But today's video really confirmed that, but before I get into that, I have to get into the crazy religious woman that made me super uncomfortable at lunch yesterday.

So Valley View has a Burger King in their store, in the same vein that our store has a Subway. Okay, so that's what Wendy and I decided that we were going to have for lunch that day. So we're in line, and Wendy has to take a phone call, so it's just me waiting for my food to be done (Their broiler was down, so only foods they had were ones that used the fryer. No skin off my ass because chicken nuggets) and this lady comes up and orders. She's white, rude, and entitled. Literally the worst. Of course, she was an older lady, and asked for something a dollar, then proceeded to get rude with the wonderful African-American angel behind the counter because she didn't account for the additional charge of tomato. Gets so fucking hateful with this wonderful cashier, and you can tell she just doesn't like anyone who isn't like her, white and a bitch, and is just overall the worst human being on the planet. After all that, this white bitch turns to me and says something, and I can't quite hear her. She's all smile and repeats saying, "Jesus loves you." Ya girl ain't religious, so I instantly felt uncomfortable. Religion just really makes me uncomfortable, given my sexuality and my past, so it's just scary for me. I brushed it off, said thank you, and this woman is just giddy. "He wanted me to say he loves you, and he died for your sins." My first thought was why weren't you treating this wonderful woman behind the counter like your treating me right now? It's clear why, and it just set me off. "Why aren't you treating her this way?" At this point, I just give her a rude look, and look away. Have I mentioned that I hate people?

The rest of Academy was fine, it's no big. Just a lot to try and retain, like I've said. I couldn't really sleep that night because 1. the excitement of whatever the hell Taylor Alison Swift has up her sleeve and 2. because I didn't get home until really late. We left our store at about quarter till six, and I didn't get home until almost 7 because of a wreck on the interstate. So I was super tired, and hungry, by the time I got home and by the time I finished and was starting to wind down, it was already ten o'clock. I tried to let Queer As Folk, which I'm still making my way (downtown, walking fast, faces past and I'm homebound) through, but my leg was also bothering me, and sleep just didn't come easy.

It was time to do it all over again this morning. Day 2 of Academy, and also Day 3 of expecting another snake video from Taylor. All of us expected for there to be four days of these cryptic vids, but we got way more than we expected today. Like, way more. So I head to the store, meet up with Wendy again, clock in again, and head over to Academy again. We were both a little nervous because of the test, but it turned out alright. Okay, so then I'm sitting there in class, really trying to soak this information in, and my phone buzzes at around 10:30. I think it's a little earlier for Taylor, considering how on point she was the past two days, but I have a feeling, and dare a glance at my pocket and reach for my phone. Another snake video from Taylor. FUCK. This one was again silent, again ten seconds long, but showed the face of the snake, this time undeniably a bush viper, that attacked the camera, and looked pissed off as hell. No explanation, no caption.

TAYLOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?? But wait, bitch. There's more. So lunch time happens, and Wendy and I are back at it again with the BK and we're sitting down, talking, whathaveyou. And I get a notification. Taylor. Again. Twice in the same day? I couldn't possibly, Jack. But twasn't a dream. Twas real. And this bitch, that's when she really got ya girl fucked up, and I mean really, really F U C K E D  U P. Not only did certified angel, Taylor Alison Swift, drop an image saying that we were getting a new single tomorrow night / Friday morning. BUT SHE ANNOUNCED THE NAME OF HER NEW ALBUM, THE ALBUM COVER, AND THE ALBUM RELEASE DATE BITCH.


I'm not even sorry for my freak out. This is literally my favorite artist, and I'm so fucking excited, I don't know what to do. Taylor is releasing new music for the first time in three year. Her album title (We still don't know the name of the single we're getting tomorrow, though it's been rumored to be the timeless title that's been floating around since Monday) I love. I love that title of reputation. That's what's been dragged through the mud these past couple years, is Taylor's reputation. With Kimye, and the dating rumors, Calvin, Hiddleswift, the new guy who's name I didn't bother to learn, and the trail, she's been really criticized and she's had ENOUGH. I'm of the small minority that hope the lead single is something like Bite or Venom, or some hardcore shit like that because it would be amazing. The song WILL BE my next obsession, and definitely in the next blog's NP. Should I film a reaction? I might film a reaction of it tomorrow night, but Taylor's music is so special to me, I don't know haha. I kind of want that to be just between me and her if that makes sense? Either way, I'm so ready and not ready at the same time.

I passed the test at the Academy with a 95. I really was striving for a 100, but I digress. I'm home now, after more traffic from the interstate, I've eaten, and I'm still freaking the fuck out from Taylor's announcement. I'm going to try to calm down and watch Big Brother, but BITCH. I can't. Taylor Swift's just owns my ass.

Reminding you to buy Taylor Swift's sixth studio album, Reputation, on November 10th,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 19, 2017


| Now Playing: The Louvre by Lorde |

Well summer slipped us,
Underneath her tongue.
Our days and nights are,
Perfumed with obsession.
Half of my wardrobe,
Is on your bedroom floor.
Use our eyes, throw our hands, overboard.

I am your sweetheart,
Psychopathic crush.
Drink up your movements,
Still I can't get enough.
I over think your,
Punctuation use.
Not my fault, just a thing, that my mind do.

A rush at the beginning,
I get caught up just for a minute.
But lover, you're the one to blame,
All that you're doing,
Can't your hear the violence?
Megaphones in my chest.
Broadcast the boom boom boom boom,
And make 'em all dance to it

This probably won't be very long haha. Not really a whole hell of a lot has happened since my last blog. I've been keeping to myself, I have no money, I haven't really done anything. So, yeah. There's that.

I've been getting some comments on my video reaction to Kesha's Rainbow, which as been fun to see. Someone actually called me entertaining, which was such a high compliment. I love seeing stuff like that, especially when, like in that video as well as all my videos, I'm just being myself. Even if I probably do come off a little abrasive and crass. That's just me.

Speaking of videos, I accidentally finished Dream Daddy. I know, I'm an actual mess. I didn't even really know that much about Dream Daddy before I bought it and started playing and recording it, so I had no idea how long the game was, which isn't very long. I was hoping for a wonderful ending, but apparently there's all kinds of endings and I was PISSED by my ending haha. But I'll save those details for the videos. You can totes check out my channel (Jesse Grey on YouTube), my second Dream Daddy video just went live today, so there's that. I think I'm going to keep recording more Dream Daddy, and just try and see all the endings with all the dads because I just really love the game and I know there's so much that I'm missing. Plus, I like to think that my commentary is pretty entertaining. But I also think I'm the funniest person on the planet, so excuse me bias.

Work has been light since I last blogged. The plan was to talk to Sean about my feelings on Friday, but that didn't end up happening. Things were super busy Friday, and there just wasn't time. I'm still going to talk to him about it, even though I'm really scared to and just nervous about it. I also have to go to Academy Tuesday and Wednesday of next week, so I'm so not looking forward to that classroom type setting with kindergarten type activities. But whatever. At least Wendy will be there with me in some shape or form. After my last blog, I've just kind of accepted my fate at work, until I talk to Sean, so my spirits haven't been nearly as heavy. Supes thankful for that.

Today, I've just been a trash bag of Lays Potato Chips. I woke up super early for my day off, like seven, and I watched Fate of the Furious for the first time, so that was nice. Then I proceeded to do a whole bunch of nothing because it's been such an exhausting week. I did however do some writing today, of course while listening to Melodrama, but I stopped because my hand started to hurt. But it was some good shit, per usge lately. I also caught some of Joseph Birdsong's stream tonight playing Splatoon 2's Salmon Run, but I'm honestly just too tired to stay up.

I can't believe I almost forgot to mention probably the most exciting news since my last blog! Okay, so let me set the scene, bitch. Alright so everything was normal, supes norms, on Friday and I'm at work and go to break and see people absolutely FREAKING OUT on Twitter and Tumblr, in regards to Taylor Swift, so I was like *insert eyes emoji* what is happening? So at first I thought it was for sure a hack, but I suppose at this point that's been completely ruled out, but Taylor has completely wiped her social media accounts. All of them. All replaced with black profile pictures, and black cover photos, and just blank-black. Like WHAT THE FUCK. There's been no announcement, but there's a lot of speculation and rumors. There was first a rumor that a single was going to drop on Friday night at midnight, but that didn't happen. The latest is Monday, something is going to happen, but we shall see. I'm literally DYING for new Taylor music and it would certainly lift me out of whatever remaining depression I'm feeling.

Since I finished Charmed, I had no idea what to watch at night when I go to bed. After mulling over my options, I settled on Queer As Folk, and I've been loving it so far. I'm honestly so ready for bed, I'm about to turn on some Queer As Folk, and just go to bed. I hope I'm a lot more productive tomorrow, but if not, oh well. I'm honestly too tired from this overwhelmingly emotional work week to stress out about anything else.

Vacant and void of concern,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Push Me To The Edge

| Now Playing: Boots by Kesha |

Then I met you Saturday, night
I tried to run away.
Sunday morning,
I woke up, fucked up, with you right next to me.
Had a flight booked to Japan,
But you took me by the hand.
Now every morning I wake up with you right next to me.

I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops when I'm with you.
So slide over here,
Tell me the truth.
I know you love me wearing nothing but your boots.

If you can't handle these claws,
You don't get this kitty.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.

I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops...
When I'm wearing, when I'm wearing,
Baby nothing but your boots.

What a difference going back to work from the weekend makes, I guess. "Thanks I guess". Going back to work, going back to days, wasn't too great. Honestly, it just did exactly what the title of this blog is, pushed me to the edge (All my friends are dead). I've been listening to that song off and on, can you tell? Anyway, work. I've already had these feelings, these toxic, depressing feelings, while working for a while now, which is evident by earlier blog posts, but something wasn't right. It was just all wrong. I'm so tried of feeling the way I do, that I just can't do it anymore. The attitudes, the favoritism, the s t r e s s. Mainly, it's the stress. Life is just way too damn short for me to be having this much stress at 25. It's way too much to handle. So, work was really just...sad, really, until I was talking to Jessica and she mentioned something that I've been thinking about doing for a while now. And talking it over with her, just really made me realize that it's not only something that I want to do, but something that I really need to do.

I won't disclose the details until either the success or rejection of my projected plans, just in case. I slept on the decision Monday night, and I dreamt about a plane. Now, I know most people don't really read into their dreams too heavily, but as an avid daydreamer, the dreams that spur in my head at night usually have meaning for me. Anyways, in the dream, I was really tense and nervous. Which is me if I was ever on a real plane, but the entire plane was laid out sort of like an apartment. I'm not really sure what this means, maybe some sordid inkling about comfort or me wanting my own place, but me being on a plane in general is what I focused on. And when I looked it up (I know, I know, Google doesn't know everything and nothing on the internet is 100% reliable, but this was just validation for me personally) and sometimes dreaming about being on a plane means "you need a change in your daily life", and that's really all it took for me.

I slept on it again Tuesday night, and woke up this morning, refreshed. My first thought was "this is right, this feels right". So I'm going to try and make it happen because Tuesday? Probably one of the worst days I've ever had. And not because work was inherently bad or difficult, but just the inner demons hissing at me from behind my jailed soul were getting to me. It was a whole new level of inner darkness for me because I felt so helpless. It was like a Vantablack moment: the reprise. Only this time, it was happening at work instead of at home. 

I'm really hoping that everything works out, and goes according to plan. And I know that no matter what, everything will end up exactly how it's supposed to be, so I'm not stressing out too much about the outcome. It just would be really amazing if I got to do what I'm trying to do, and not only for just my stress in general. I've really got to figure out what's going on with my right ear. I've been having problems with it since, I can't even remember, probably back in April? Whenever it was that I was picking up overtime at the Lexington store, and right after I got super sick. Like a virus or something, only it fucked with everything. And then my eye had this redness thing going on and the medicine I went on to treat that ended up closing off my hearing in my right ear, about like 50%, for like a month. I got that taken care of, flushed my ears like I have to do every five years because of excessive ear wax, but now I they randomly flutter and close, and I have to pop them back into place in a way. It's so bizarre, and I need to fix it. It's no coincidence that it mostly happens on work days and doesn't bother me when I'm off. The stress has to be eliminated, for both my mental health as well as my physical health

Alright, enough of that "I'm ready...depression." stuff. Now that it's out of the way, I can get to the good parts. Sunday was great because I accomplished two things that I've always wanted to engage in. I bought the game Dream Daddy, which of course has been all over the internet for a while now and I've always been intrigued by, and the other thing is I recorded / started a let's play of a game and posted it on YouTube? Like WHAT. I never in a million years thought I would 1. Be able to find software to record anything and 2. Be comfortable enough to post it online where potentially anyone could see it, but I did it! After uploading my reaction to Kesha's Rainbow album to my channel (You can totes check it out if you like. As per my other social mediums, I'm Jesse Grey on there as well), I decided that I really wanted to play Dream Daddy, and not only play it, but record myself playing it for the first time and uploading it to my newly crafted channel. 

Firstly, I did a little research. I looked up Dream Daddy and what it was all about, watched a few let's plays of it, just to get a feel for the story and the game itself, and I knew I wanted it. And with it only being 15 dollars, how could I not buy it? And with how the start to my work week began, I'm super glad I did purchase it because it's been a great outlet for me to go to to just, play this awesome game, and be myself. I also researched some free recording software that recorded your computer screen, because you know ya girl's a thrifty and frugal bitch. I settled upon Atomi ActivePresenter, and it's made it so super easy. You literally start recording at the drop of a hat, or in this case, the simple press of a button, and that's it. You're recording. It also does a fantastic job of recording both your game's audio and your commentary audio without conflicting upon each other, which is what I was always worried about. But Atomi is incredible. I don't have a face cam in my videos, because honestly who wants it, but I love making the videos. It's been so fun! And I love exploring new outlets for me to sort of put myself out there. 

I recorded I think a total of eight videos of Dream Daddy on Sunday. It was like, three plus hours of gameplay, and I know, I'm literally trash. But like I said, it's been super fun. I recorded myself a little on Monday and a little tonight, and it's just resolidified the fun I'm having posting stuff online, and on YouTube no less. I also want to do book reviews, but that will be in the future haha. Anyway, yesterday, after the Vantablack day I had, I came home and didn't record any Dream Daddy. But I did do some writing in Book Two, and bitch that shit was fire. I was coming up with some literally Grade A +++ content. And officially, Lorde's Melodrama is the soundtrack to the book. I listened to it yet again while writing yesterday, and it just sounds the way the book feels, in the same way that Panic At The Disco's Death Of A Bachelor sounds the way that Sever felt. It was super good to get that out. I also read some more in The Foxhole Court, which I've also been dying to do. So even though my work day was less than stellar, my night ended up making up for it.

And today, like I mentioned a little before, started wonderfully when I woke up and I just felt...right. After mulling over my work decision for two days, it feels like the right thing to do, the next step for me. I just really want, and sort of need it, to work out the way I'm hoping. More to come on that as it develops. But bringing that newfound acceptance to work was nice, because it made for a good attitude to get the work day going. Plus, there wasn't nearly as much freight to run, and I actually STAYED IN ROUTINE TODAY BITCH. I haven't done that, actually worked all the processes were supposed to do on a daily basis, since literally my first week in the department. So Kudos to that. It was a good day surrounded by good feelings. Then I came home, recorded two more episodes of Dream Daddy, and now, it's almost time for Biiiiiiig Brotherrrrrr! It'll be the perfect cap on this really well played day. I'm gonna upload todays recordings of Dream Daddy to YouTube and schedule them for their acclimated days, and then it's relaxation until it's time for bed.

Also, I finally finished Season 8 of Charmed and I'm bummed. That feeling of finishing a TV series, even one you've seen time and time again, is a bummer. I'm looking for my next thing to binge and I don't know. I don't wanna do something on Netflix, but I might end up doing just that. I was thinking either Ugly Betty or Grey's since I have those DVDs, but we shall see tonight, I suppose. That'll be a problem for after Big Brother.

On the edge but hanging on,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Dark Western Cowgirl, Tattooed Angel

| Now Playing: Hunt You Down by Kesha |

I wanna be your baby,
Your angel all in black.
Your little blue eyed gypsy,
Who's always got your back.
I wanna be your favorite,
And always on your side.
I wanna talk forever,
With babies down the line.

But I got something to tell you first.

I never hurt nobody,
Never buried a body,
Never killed no one, no, no.
I ain't afraid,
To get a little crazy,
Baby when I'm in love.
You say you've had your fun,
And that you're done and I'm the one.
Just know, that if you fuck around,
Boy I'll hunt you down.

Thank the Good Lord that this week of overnights is O V E R *blares World Star sirens*. I'm so damn glad. There, luckily, hasn't been anymore drama as far as the spreading of lies and crap about how hard we've worked (Spoiler, we've worked hella hard all week), but I was just so ready for everything to be set and shit. I'm still a little self conscious about coming back to days on Monday. I just have a throbbing in my third eye that some type of drama is going to get spurred about how I've worked or just something I've done / haven't done and I'm not mentally prepared for it. But I've still got tomorrow to relax and try and not let that get to me.

I did get to leave early Thursday morning, in lieu of preparing for my tattoo appointment later on in the day, so that was I didn't leave quite as early as I would have liked, but hey, leaving early is leaving early. Once I got home, it was super hard to try and go to sleep. I don't know if it was just work getting to me, being almost done with overnights, the excitement over getting a new tattoo, or a combination of all things considered, but sleep evaded me for the longest time. I finally ended up falling asleep though, and I had an alarm set for eleven, so I could shower and get ready for the 12:30 tattoo appointment. But I ended up only getting about three hours of sleep, sleeping through my alarm, and waking up on my own at around 11:45. So I busted to get dressed and presentable and got to Blue Lotus in a timely manner. And as usual, Christinia is a damn genius when it comes to tattooing and I finally got my left hand inked! I'll insert a picture of my beautiful fish.
It's not the best picture, because the Aquaphor is sporting a massive glare to the camera, but it's the first picture I took, right after I unwrapped it once I got home. The art itself, comes from the same guy who made the raven one on my right hand, who also did the ravens for Maggie Stiefvater's Raven Boys, which we all know I'm overly obsessed with. This tattoo is just really important to me. Yes, it's a little nod to being a Pisces, the second tattoo in the probably Pisces Trilogy that I'll end up having on my body haha, but also the colors are important. My soul, my aesthetic, my heart, is made up of my three favorite colors: Blue, pink, and grey. And while these fish aren't grey, both of them sporting blue and pink are because they're my favorite colors, but also a nod to gender. I hate gender constructs, especially over inanimate things like toys, makeup, and color, so I wanted to have it mean like an androgyny sort of vibe. I feel both masculine and feminine all the time, and I just wanted this tattoo to have that meaning as well. I've also named them, as I've named my raven (Her name is Chainsaw, after the raven in Raven Boys). Their names are Masc and Femme, and, naturally, the pink one is named Masc and the blue one is named Femme. I need to quit attaching so much analytical meaning to everything but, in the words of Nina Bo'Nina Brown, sue me.
Image result for nina bonina brown sue me gif

After settling down from the high of getting a new tattoo, I settled in bed and started to watch Charmed (I'm currently on Season 8 of my rewatch, so I'm almost done for the 2345676543th time) and after watching Shane videos on my phone, I fell asleep, got another three hours of slept, and then got instantly annoyed because of my phone.

So for the past I literally have no idea how long, my phone has been giving me trouble. Mainly, I've been having trouble with the lightning port and my charger staying plugged in to the damn thing. No matter what I did, it won't charge or play music from the lightning port unless it's wiggled in at a certain angle, and I was having enough. It also was having trouble staying plugged in. The chargers were slipping out at the slightest touch or move, and it was really grating on my everlast-gobstopping nerve. It was super low on battery before I took my little nap after getting my tattoo done, and when I woke up, even after making sure the phone was plugged in before I fell asleep, my phone was dead. Deader than dead. It wouldn't even turn on. I was freaking out, because I thought that all of the sudden, my phone had lost the ability to charge altogether. After about an hour of messing with it, I got it to turn on and stay charging. But I decided I was going to see about going to AT&T to get it looked at and possibly fixed. But at least it was finally charging.

Jessie ended up coming over, spending the weekend here at the house. She brought Aidyn obviously, and I even still can't get over how freaking adorable her baby is. He's such a good baby and just so damn precious. It's been nice having her here, so we can catch up and everything. She might be moving back down here soon, which would be awesome. I miss all the fun times us cousins used to have when we were little.

I slept fairly normally. If by fairly normally, I mean I didn't fall asleep until after two, and I woke up at 6:30 and ended up staying awake. But hey, these are the things that happen when recovering from overnights, I suppose. I went to AT&T and got my phone fixed though! All that was plaguing my phone? All the issues I've been having, all the frustrations? Was from lint. A damn dust bunny of lint that was so much more than I would have expected. The guy who cleaned it out said it's just from being in my pocket and shit and it happens all the time, but really? Lint was my issue? Whatevs, it's fixed now and I haven't had any problems since leaving the store, so I'm happy. But after getting back from AT&T, I ended up turning on Charmed and fell asleep, and literally wasted my entire day off. This wasn't some short little nap. I was asleep for SEVEN HOURS. I didn't wake up until literally 6:30 this evening. I'm actual trash.

The rest of tonight has been littered with me just catching up on Big Brother (Thank God Jessica went home and isn't part of Jury! Cody is still there, but hopefully he's leaving soon). I was going to catch up on Claws, but I ended up not. Also, Kesha's album finally came out! I ended up making a video of my reaction to the thing, but it's so good. It's so damn good. It was definitely worth the wait and I'll be listening to it until further notice. The title of this blog is what I described in my video reaction of what Rainbow is haha. I'm a mess. Speaking of pop stars, literally don't ask me how I feel about this whole Taylor Swift trail going on. Everyone who knows me know I'm a Super Swiftie. People saying they don't care are the problem and I won't listen to any of it. I'm so proud of her for lending her voice to justice and I just love it. She's also given us the best quote of 2017, to be honest. "My ass is on the back of my body." Literally legend.

I'm currently writing this in-between the series finale of Orphan Black and I'm FUCKED UP. Like how is this beautiful show over for good? This show has meant so much to me and I'm just not over it. The ending just rolled and I cried. It literally was the best thing ever. Clone Club for life.

Anyway, I should probably calm myself down. Maybe I'll finally get to play some Splatoon 2, maybe I won't. But alas, here's to coming back to day shift. And to some writing getting done this weekend, that would be the ultimate goal. Or maybe I'll down myself in some reading and get back into The Foxhole Court. Who the hell knows, I could end up staying up all night and mess my sleep up even more.

Your dark inked cowgirl,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

And The Lights Will Flicker On And Off

| Now Playing: Hard Feelings / Loveless by Lorde |

I light all the candles,
Cut flowers for all my rooms.
I care for myself the way I used to care about you.
These days we kiss and we keep busy,
The waves come after midnight.
I call from underwater,
Why even try to get right?
When you've outgrown a lover,
The whole world knows but you.
It's time to let go of this endless summer afternoon.

Hard feelings, These are what they call hard feelings, of love.
When the sweet words and fevers all leave us here in the cold.
Alone with the hard feelings, of love.
God I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home.

Bet you wanna rip my heart out,
Bet you wanna skip my calls now.
But guess what, I'd like that.
'Cause I'm gonna mess your life up,
Gonna wanna tape my mouth shut.
Look out, lovers.
We're L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S, generation.
L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S, generation.
Of fucking with our lovers' heads, generation.

So much drama has happened in the past few days at work, I don't even know where to begin. I posted my last blog during my second attempt at staying up during the night to prepare myself for my Sunday night / Monday morning shift, the first of five. Well, I was successful. I stayed up until about 6:30, and slept until about 4:30, if I remember correctly. Everything's a little hazy, given my schedule since overnights started, so I'm bound to get some specifics wrong.

I woke up Sunday evening, and just played Splatoon 2 until it was time to get ready for work. The first night at work was probably the biggest flip that my department was undergoing. And that's what we were starting with. And it was, it really was a massive flip. It was a lot. Between myself, Cheryl, and Ken, plus the added weight of the Mod Team, we were able to get everything done that we had set out to do on Night 1, but the No Mod, dear God. The stuff dropping off of the Mod, the sheer amount of everything, is absolutely insane. I think the first night, we had seven carts of No Mod? Something like that, I honestly can't even be bothered to recall. It was just a lot, a lot, a lot. Then, as soon as I get off, which was over an hour late, by the way, I went straight home and went straight to bed. That's pretty much my routine when I work overnights. It worked well in the past, so I utilized it for this round of overnights as well.

Coming in Monday night / Tuesday morning was great. It's always wonderful to come in for an overnight shift, being told you aren't doing your job correctly and you left an obscene amount of pallets that should have been worked. Oh, and this is AFTER you walked off what was left with the Headmistress, which was only a pallet, a float, and a rocket cart. But spinning tales of seven pallets and all of that works too. Needless to say, Cheryl and I were PISSED. Then, I was told that I should have started planning this reset 30 days ahead of time. You know, the department that as of this morning, I have only had for TWENTY-FIVE DAYS. I was so beyond angry and so beyond over it. I'm glad that was the last of the nit-picking for the most part, but it really just set my teeth on edge and made them bleed frustration.

Last night / this morning, we got ahead. All four sections that were set to be made on our last two nights of overnights, we busted our asses and got them finished last night. So we're ahead as far as setting goes. But even though that's a great thing, we still have all of this New Mod and regular freight to work, that if we weren't ahead, we'd be utterly screwed. Luckily though, we are ahead for setting, so we can spend these next two nights filling and stocking the department. This is assuming everything goes according to plan, which, I'm not betting on. But hopefully, luck will slide more in our favor.

Shout out to SpongeBob for the title of this blog. It's a line from one of my favorite SpongeBob episodes of all time, Graveyard Shift, since I've been nether deep in overnights this week. I've also been listening to a lot of Lorde lately, hence why the past two blogs have had Lorde in the NP. Melodrama might just be becoming the soundtrack to Book Two. I haven't had much time for writing or time for reading more of The Foxhole Court, because everything's just been so crazy. I haven't even played Splatoon 2 since that Sunday evening before overnight week started, which is so foreign to me because I've played it every single day since I got it. But alas, my life has been so SpongeBob, answering to the metaphorical Hash-Slinging Slasher.

Tonight / tomorrow morning, we're cutting our overtime. Both Cheryl and I have plans tomorrow, so it works out. Plus, since we're ahead, it makes the most sense for us to cut it tonight when we're just running pallets upon pallets of freight and what have you. I'm getting Tattoo #6 at 12:30 tomorrow afternoon, and I'm so pumped! Mom had her appointment today, but I couldn't go because I was sleeping. I haven't heard from her, so she's either still getting tattooed, or she's on her way home from being tattooed and can't send me the picks. I can't even remember what she was getting, but I can't remember what anything is thanks to overnights, so I'm not going to push my luck.

I'm hoping tonight goes as planned, and Cheryl and I can both dip out at 5 AM to cut our time, and I can go immediately (ALL JUNIOR GIRLS REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY. IMMEDIATELY!) to bed so I can get some rest before my tattoo appointment. I would normally apologize for a movie reference, like that Mean Girls one in parentheses, but I don't apologize for any Mean Girls references, ever.

Flickering lights and long overnights,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Ketchup Kween

| Now Playing: Sober by Lorde |

Oh god,
I'm closing my mouth around this liquor wet lime.
Midnight, lose my mind.
I know you're feeling it too,
Can we keep up with the ruse?

Bodies all through my house,
I know this story by heart.
Jack and Jill get fucked up and possessive when it gets dark.
But my hips have missed your hips,
So let's get to know the kicks.
Will you sway with me,
Go astray with me?

King and queen of the weekend,
Ain't a pill that could touch our rush.
But what will we do when we're sober?
When you dream with a fever,
Bet you wish you could touch our rush.
But what will we do when we're sober?

And here we are, yet again, reporting live from this messed up schedule I'm on to try and prepare myself from overnights. I definitely failed at trying to stay up last night, and it's completely screwed me over for today / tonight, but I'm really trying to get it together for tonight. But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself, per usge.

The visit from Big Boss went okay, I guess. That's what they told us anyway. But since they came so late in the afternoon, ya girl was peaceing out ASAP. Even though my department was a massive trauma center of awful, if they say the visit went alright, then whatevs. Friday was a joke at work, just a mess. So much freight, so little accurate direction, just a mess. Please welcome to the stage, Messy Queen Galore. Literally my drag name if it were honest.

After leaving work Friday and coming home, my goal was to stay up until at least six in the morning (fail) and do some writing (double fail), while maybe catching up on all my shows (partial fail). I caught up on everything Orphan Black and it fucked me up. I'm so not ready for the entire series to be over after tonight's and next week's episode. I'm just so unprepared. I started to watch the five episodes I'm behind on The Fosters, but I fell asleep last night while watching it, so that didn't get completed. I even played some Splatoon 2 to keep me awake, but once I started watching The Fosters laying in bed, it was all over. I woke up around 5:30, sulking at my failure haha. But I went back to bed and finally gave up on trying to sleep late into the day and got up around 1. I fully woke up around 11, and just kept pushing myself to fall back asleep over and over again until I got up. I've stayed up for 72 hours straight before, but I just can't do it anymore.

I've pretty much spent the entire day, not really doing a whole lot. Just trying to stay up and moving, for the most part, I suppose. I've been playing a lot of Splatoon 2 throughout the day, pretty much most of the day, because there's a Splatfest going on, where people compete over a theme (which is ketchup vs. mayo) and, well, I don't really know what happens haha. I've literally played the game most of the day, hence the title, but I did drink some coffee and get some work accomplished. I did some writing to Lorde's album Melodrama, which is just way better than my initial thought of "oh I like it a lot". I didn't want to push the writing, because this sleep schedule / work preparedness has me so completely thrown off that I would rather wait and have good quality. But hey, working on some of it is better than nothing. I also completely rebranded some of my social sites, and reworked my tumblr, so that's good. I still want to work on putting up another chapter on Young Writers Society, so I'll probably work on that before I watch some Fosters or tonight's OB.

I also got those books I ordered from Amazon, finally. I'll insert a picture because I'm literally Lays Potato Chips and don't want to write them all out.

I'm currently reading The Foxhole Court, because I kept seeing stuff about it all over Tumblr. Also because Nora Sakavic inspired the whole turnaround for me, that lead to me putting my book on Smashwords and getting more active on Goodreads. So far, it's pretty great. The language is so wonderful and I'm so intrigued by the story, despite it lingering in the land of sports, but I already know it's full of hella gay, so I support it. I even tweeted all three authors about it, and heard back from Craig and Domino about theirs, so that was super awesome. I'd love to read some more of it, but I'm worried about reading more tonight and it making me tired. Maybe I'll do it anyways, since I can't make any further progress on my own book. But I'll probably end up playing more Splatoon 2 to be Pocahonest.

I'm just hoping that overnights go alright. I really don't want it to be a really bad week, because this past week was really pushing it. I'm really looking forward to a reprieve from that, so I'm really needing this week of overnights to pull it together for me. At least I'll have three nights off after I finish the overnight haul, and I'll also be ending it by getting a new tattoo! Thank fucking God to be honest because I can't really remember the last thing that I really looked forward to. I can't wait to have my other hand tatted, and I'm really needing it. That high from getting a new tattoo is just what I need to keep it together.
Well that's enough out of me. I'm going to go try and work on getting another chapter added to YWS and then I'll get to the shows I've missed. Here's hoping I can make it to at least 4 am. I guess that goal is a little easily obtainable. Oh, also, huge shout out to Kesha for continually slaying the game! She just released her latest song, Hymn, from the forthcoming Rainbow album and its a mukafuka BOP. The instrumental is so fucking good and the lyrics just speak to me on a wavelength of levels. Keep it up, Kesha. I NEED IT.

Googling ketchup overuser anonymous groups,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


| Now Playing: Fashion Of His Love by Lady Gaga |

I never was the kind of girl,
That's naturally sure when it comes to love,
Oh no.
I was insecure,
But when it comes to you and me,
I can't deny this feeling inside,
Oh no.
I never felt like this before,
This before,
No, no, no.

I'm seeing all the signs from above,
I'm gonna be the one that he loves.
I was made for loving him,
The fashion of his love.
I'm gonna be his first and last kiss,
'Cause baby I was born to be his.
I was made for loving him,
The fashion of his love.

Throwback jam in the Now Playing, what upppp. I've been randomly cycling through singing this song the past few days, and definitely today and yesterday. Also, how the hell are we already saying hello to August? I feel like this summer has been so stressful and so much has happened, that it's literally blazed at the speed of light out of my grasp. But anyway, let's get into the usual shitshow.

Benzo's birthday was Sunday! And we got to spend the entire day together, which normally is already life soothing, but spending her whole birthday side by side is just an extra slab of icing on the proverbial birthday cake. She said she wanted me to plan something, so I decided that we could hit up our numero uno Mexican eatery, Alejandro's, and have lunch there, followed by some later dessert at Bruster's. Mexican was glorious as ever, per usge, and we (mainly me) needed some time before we added dairy to the already swirling nether in my stomach. So we went shopping around hitting the usual hangouts. Ross & Burlington. Only this time, I was actually able to find stuff that not only I needed, but also for a good price / size. I found some really bomb shoes at Burlington that fit me perfectly and were on sale, so 'twas a win-win. I also bought a cheap vent mount for my phone because, since I'm having literally the worst time ever getting my chargers to stay plugged into my phone because the lightning port is literally garbáge, it would help me while listening to music in my car. We had a pretty good time just shopping around. I was hoping to find a backpack for me to use at work, but hey, you can't win 'em all.

We also watched Big Brother and Claws together to end the evening once I drove her back home, so that was great as well. Once I finally got back home, I was dreading it because it meant that work was glazing on over the horizon for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful to have my job and do enjoy it most of the time. But I just wish that certain things were different, and certain processes were followed / accurately staffed.

It wasn't too bad, I don't guess. I'm just really ready to get this 7 reset over with and am sort of looking forward to working overnights this upcoming week because it means I'll be left alone. Plus having Cheryl there with me will help my comfort levels at least. So that's good. Work hasn't been too bad following Monday. Just SO MUCH NEW stuff for the reset, I'm over And today, I found out that they're combining Pets with Paper Chemicals, so there goes my former department I guess. I mean, Pets is sometimes really hard to manage because it's shopped so heavily, so I guess we'll see how that goes (but I'm sure it's going to end badly).

Enough with that old tired recap crap, I'm so over talking about work all the time. My true work, my writing, is what I want to talk about more. Only, I haven't had a whole lot of time dedicated to writing because work has been so intense lately. Once I come home, I'm dousing myself in sessions of Splatoon 2 to both wind down and get aggression out of the my body. It's just really taken it's toll on me lately. Anyway, back to good tidings. Sunday, Benzo kept talking about us finding a place to play bingo at, something we've always wanted to do. And Monday night, we took our first plunge into the nightlife of playing bingo for profit.

It was up here in Salem, at the Moose Lodge. You know, the one that's literally within walking distance from my house? So fetch. Being there was a little daunting. Daunting because we've never played for money before, but also because the crowd was sided? Let's just say, some people were not very welcoming. But we had a sweet older lady guide us through the chaos, so I'm super thankful for that. Plus, there was free food, literally win-win. I didn't end up winning anything, but Benzo made it out with 50 bucks. Considering how much we spent at this place for the package and the food and everything, she only made about 10 dollars. But hey, that's more than we went in with. Plus, she deserved to win on her birthday. She's literally a waking angel walking this Earth and deserves way more than she gives, which is saying a lot. We hope to start playing more regularly like the 73 year olds we truly are at heart, but we need more funds saved up for that.

Only two more days of work left, and then I get to work on fucking up my sleep schedule. HURRAY! Not that there's much of a sleep schedule I have now. I've been having a little bit of trouble getting to sleep the past few nights. I'm about to go pop some melatonin before Big Brother comes on so hopefully I'll be ready to snooze on with Charmed by the time it's over with. I'd love to say that I'll get some writing done this weekend, but I don't know. I'm hoping since I'm going to be fucking up my sleep and therefore am staying up later into the night, I'm hoping that will be the case. But knowing me, I'll screw up and end up falling asleep supes earls Friday night. I just really want overnights to go well, and tomorrow really. Big Boss is coming, and of course, everyone is freaking out. Not me, because I'm still working hard to gain that control back, and because we've been pulled out of our departments so much the past two weeks, it's not like I've had a lot of time dedicated to polishing my department. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I work so hard every day, and that's all that matters in the end.

Time to devour some sleeping aids and relax before Big Brother comes on. Maybe I can sneak a quick shower in and wash the haste from the past few days off of me. God willing.

Your bingo playing fiend,

-- Jesse