Then I met you Saturday, night
I tried to run away.
Sunday morning,
I woke up, fucked up, with you right next to me.
Had a flight booked to Japan,
But you took me by the hand.
Now every morning I wake up with you right next to me.
I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops when I'm with you.
So slide over here,
Tell me the truth.
I know you love me wearing nothing but your boots.
If you can't handle these claws,
You don't get this kitty.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.
I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops...
When I'm wearing, when I'm wearing,
Baby nothing but your boots.
___________________________________________________________________
What a difference going back to work from the weekend makes, I guess. "Thanks I guess". Going back to work, going back to days, wasn't too great. Honestly, it just did exactly what the title of this blog is, pushed me to the edge (All my friends are dead). I've been listening to that song off and on, can you tell? Anyway, work. I've already had these feelings, these toxic, depressing feelings, while working for a while now, which is evident by earlier blog posts, but something wasn't right. It was just all wrong. I'm so tried of feeling the way I do, that I just can't do it anymore. The attitudes, the favoritism, the s t r e s s. Mainly, it's the stress. Life is just way too damn short for me to be having this much stress at 25. It's way too much to handle. So, work was really just...sad, really, until I was talking to Jessica and she mentioned something that I've been thinking about doing for a while now. And talking it over with her, just really made me realize that it's not only something that I want to do, but something that I really need to do.
I won't disclose the details until either the success or rejection of my projected plans, just in case. I slept on the decision Monday night, and I dreamt about a plane. Now, I know most people don't really read into their dreams too heavily, but as an avid daydreamer, the dreams that spur in my head at night usually have meaning for me. Anyways, in the dream, I was really tense and nervous. Which is me if I was ever on a real plane, but the entire plane was laid out sort of like an apartment. I'm not really sure what this means, maybe some sordid inkling about comfort or me wanting my own place, but me being on a plane in general is what I focused on. And when I looked it up (I know, I know, Google doesn't know everything and nothing on the internet is 100% reliable, but this was just validation for me personally) and sometimes dreaming about being on a plane means "you need a change in your daily life", and that's really all it took for me.
I slept on it again Tuesday night, and woke up this morning, refreshed. My first thought was "this is right, this feels right". So I'm going to try and make it happen because Tuesday? Probably one of the worst days I've ever had. And not because work was inherently bad or difficult, but just the inner demons hissing at me from behind my jailed soul were getting to me. It was a whole new level of inner darkness for me because I felt so helpless. It was like a Vantablack moment: the reprise. Only this time, it was happening at work instead of at home.
I'm really hoping that everything works out, and goes according to plan. And I know that no matter what, everything will end up exactly how it's supposed to be, so I'm not stressing out too much about the outcome. It just would be really amazing if I got to do what I'm trying to do, and not only for just my stress in general. I've really got to figure out what's going on with my right ear. I've been having problems with it since, I can't even remember, probably back in April? Whenever it was that I was picking up overtime at the Lexington store, and right after I got super sick. Like a virus or something, only it fucked with everything. And then my eye had this redness thing going on and the medicine I went on to treat that ended up closing off my hearing in my right ear, about like 50%, for like a month. I got that taken care of, flushed my ears like I have to do every five years because of excessive ear wax, but now I they randomly flutter and close, and I have to pop them back into place in a way. It's so bizarre, and I need to fix it. It's no coincidence that it mostly happens on work days and doesn't bother me when I'm off. The stress has to be eliminated, for both my mental health as well as my physical health
Alright, enough of that "I'm ready...depression." stuff. Now that it's out of the way, I can get to the good parts. Sunday was great because I accomplished two things that I've always wanted to engage in. I bought the game Dream Daddy, which of course has been all over the internet for a while now and I've always been intrigued by, and the other thing is I recorded / started a let's play of a game and posted it on YouTube? Like WHAT. I never in a million years thought I would 1. Be able to find software to record anything and 2. Be comfortable enough to post it online where potentially anyone could see it, but I did it! After uploading my reaction to Kesha's Rainbow album to my channel (You can totes check it out if you like. As per my other social mediums, I'm Jesse Grey on there as well), I decided that I really wanted to play Dream Daddy, and not only play it, but record myself playing it for the first time and uploading it to my newly crafted channel.
Firstly, I did a little research. I looked up Dream Daddy and what it was all about, watched a few let's plays of it, just to get a feel for the story and the game itself, and I knew I wanted it. And with it only being 15 dollars, how could I not buy it? And with how the start to my work week began, I'm super glad I did purchase it because it's been a great outlet for me to go to to just, play this awesome game, and be myself. I also researched some free recording software that recorded your computer screen, because you know ya girl's a thrifty and frugal bitch. I settled upon Atomi ActivePresenter, and it's made it so super easy. You literally start recording at the drop of a hat, or in this case, the simple press of a button, and that's it. You're recording. It also does a fantastic job of recording both your game's audio and your commentary audio without conflicting upon each other, which is what I was always worried about. But Atomi is incredible. I don't have a face cam in my videos, because honestly who wants it, but I love making the videos. It's been so fun! And I love exploring new outlets for me to sort of put myself out there.
I recorded I think a total of eight videos of Dream Daddy on Sunday. It was like, three plus hours of gameplay, and I know, I'm literally trash. But like I said, it's been super fun. I recorded myself a little on Monday and a little tonight, and it's just resolidified the fun I'm having posting stuff online, and on YouTube no less. I also want to do book reviews, but that will be in the future haha. Anyway, yesterday, after the Vantablack day I had, I came home and didn't record any Dream Daddy. But I did do some writing in Book Two, and bitch that shit was fire. I was coming up with some literally Grade A +++ content. And officially, Lorde's Melodrama is the soundtrack to the book. I listened to it yet again while writing yesterday, and it just sounds the way the book feels, in the same way that Panic At The Disco's Death Of A Bachelor sounds the way that Sever felt. It was super good to get that out. I also read some more in The Foxhole Court, which I've also been dying to do. So even though my work day was less than stellar, my night ended up making up for it.
And today, like I mentioned a little before, started wonderfully when I woke up and I just felt...right. After mulling over my work decision for two days, it feels like the right thing to do, the next step for me. I just really want, and sort of need it, to work out the way I'm hoping. More to come on that as it develops. But bringing that newfound acceptance to work was nice, because it made for a good attitude to get the work day going. Plus, there wasn't nearly as much freight to run, and I actually STAYED IN ROUTINE TODAY BITCH. I haven't done that, actually worked all the processes were supposed to do on a daily basis, since literally my first week in the department. So Kudos to that. It was a good day surrounded by good feelings. Then I came home, recorded two more episodes of Dream Daddy, and now, it's almost time for Biiiiiiig Brotherrrrrr! It'll be the perfect cap on this really well played day. I'm gonna upload todays recordings of Dream Daddy to YouTube and schedule them for their acclimated days, and then it's relaxation until it's time for bed.
Also, I finally finished Season 8 of Charmed and I'm bummed. That feeling of finishing a TV series, even one you've seen time and time again, is a bummer. I'm looking for my next thing to binge and I don't know. I don't wanna do something on Netflix, but I might end up doing just that. I was thinking either Ugly Betty or Grey's since I have those DVDs, but we shall see tonight, I suppose. That'll be a problem for after Big Brother.
On the edge but hanging on,
-- Jesse
No comments:
Post a Comment