Saturday, August 19, 2017


| Now Playing: The Louvre by Lorde |

Well summer slipped us,
Underneath her tongue.
Our days and nights are,
Perfumed with obsession.
Half of my wardrobe,
Is on your bedroom floor.
Use our eyes, throw our hands, overboard.

I am your sweetheart,
Psychopathic crush.
Drink up your movements,
Still I can't get enough.
I over think your,
Punctuation use.
Not my fault, just a thing, that my mind do.

A rush at the beginning,
I get caught up just for a minute.
But lover, you're the one to blame,
All that you're doing,
Can't your hear the violence?
Megaphones in my chest.
Broadcast the boom boom boom boom,
And make 'em all dance to it

This probably won't be very long haha. Not really a whole hell of a lot has happened since my last blog. I've been keeping to myself, I have no money, I haven't really done anything. So, yeah. There's that.

I've been getting some comments on my video reaction to Kesha's Rainbow, which as been fun to see. Someone actually called me entertaining, which was such a high compliment. I love seeing stuff like that, especially when, like in that video as well as all my videos, I'm just being myself. Even if I probably do come off a little abrasive and crass. That's just me.

Speaking of videos, I accidentally finished Dream Daddy. I know, I'm an actual mess. I didn't even really know that much about Dream Daddy before I bought it and started playing and recording it, so I had no idea how long the game was, which isn't very long. I was hoping for a wonderful ending, but apparently there's all kinds of endings and I was PISSED by my ending haha. But I'll save those details for the videos. You can totes check out my channel (Jesse Grey on YouTube), my second Dream Daddy video just went live today, so there's that. I think I'm going to keep recording more Dream Daddy, and just try and see all the endings with all the dads because I just really love the game and I know there's so much that I'm missing. Plus, I like to think that my commentary is pretty entertaining. But I also think I'm the funniest person on the planet, so excuse me bias.

Work has been light since I last blogged. The plan was to talk to Sean about my feelings on Friday, but that didn't end up happening. Things were super busy Friday, and there just wasn't time. I'm still going to talk to him about it, even though I'm really scared to and just nervous about it. I also have to go to Academy Tuesday and Wednesday of next week, so I'm so not looking forward to that classroom type setting with kindergarten type activities. But whatever. At least Wendy will be there with me in some shape or form. After my last blog, I've just kind of accepted my fate at work, until I talk to Sean, so my spirits haven't been nearly as heavy. Supes thankful for that.

Today, I've just been a trash bag of Lays Potato Chips. I woke up super early for my day off, like seven, and I watched Fate of the Furious for the first time, so that was nice. Then I proceeded to do a whole bunch of nothing because it's been such an exhausting week. I did however do some writing today, of course while listening to Melodrama, but I stopped because my hand started to hurt. But it was some good shit, per usge lately. I also caught some of Joseph Birdsong's stream tonight playing Splatoon 2's Salmon Run, but I'm honestly just too tired to stay up.

I can't believe I almost forgot to mention probably the most exciting news since my last blog! Okay, so let me set the scene, bitch. Alright so everything was normal, supes norms, on Friday and I'm at work and go to break and see people absolutely FREAKING OUT on Twitter and Tumblr, in regards to Taylor Swift, so I was like *insert eyes emoji* what is happening? So at first I thought it was for sure a hack, but I suppose at this point that's been completely ruled out, but Taylor has completely wiped her social media accounts. All of them. All replaced with black profile pictures, and black cover photos, and just blank-black. Like WHAT THE FUCK. There's been no announcement, but there's a lot of speculation and rumors. There was first a rumor that a single was going to drop on Friday night at midnight, but that didn't happen. The latest is Monday, something is going to happen, but we shall see. I'm literally DYING for new Taylor music and it would certainly lift me out of whatever remaining depression I'm feeling.

Since I finished Charmed, I had no idea what to watch at night when I go to bed. After mulling over my options, I settled on Queer As Folk, and I've been loving it so far. I'm honestly so ready for bed, I'm about to turn on some Queer As Folk, and just go to bed. I hope I'm a lot more productive tomorrow, but if not, oh well. I'm honestly too tired from this overwhelmingly emotional work week to stress out about anything else.

Vacant and void of concern,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Push Me To The Edge

| Now Playing: Boots by Kesha |

Then I met you Saturday, night
I tried to run away.
Sunday morning,
I woke up, fucked up, with you right next to me.
Had a flight booked to Japan,
But you took me by the hand.
Now every morning I wake up with you right next to me.

I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops when I'm with you.
So slide over here,
Tell me the truth.
I know you love me wearing nothing but your boots.

If you can't handle these claws,
You don't get this kitty.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.
Baby pick me up, spin me 'round, take me on a ride.
Pull you by the belt, recognize that you're mine tonight.

I'm walking on air,
Kicking my blues.
Everything stops...
When I'm wearing, when I'm wearing,
Baby nothing but your boots.

What a difference going back to work from the weekend makes, I guess. "Thanks I guess". Going back to work, going back to days, wasn't too great. Honestly, it just did exactly what the title of this blog is, pushed me to the edge (All my friends are dead). I've been listening to that song off and on, can you tell? Anyway, work. I've already had these feelings, these toxic, depressing feelings, while working for a while now, which is evident by earlier blog posts, but something wasn't right. It was just all wrong. I'm so tried of feeling the way I do, that I just can't do it anymore. The attitudes, the favoritism, the s t r e s s. Mainly, it's the stress. Life is just way too damn short for me to be having this much stress at 25. It's way too much to handle. So, work was really just...sad, really, until I was talking to Jessica and she mentioned something that I've been thinking about doing for a while now. And talking it over with her, just really made me realize that it's not only something that I want to do, but something that I really need to do.

I won't disclose the details until either the success or rejection of my projected plans, just in case. I slept on the decision Monday night, and I dreamt about a plane. Now, I know most people don't really read into their dreams too heavily, but as an avid daydreamer, the dreams that spur in my head at night usually have meaning for me. Anyways, in the dream, I was really tense and nervous. Which is me if I was ever on a real plane, but the entire plane was laid out sort of like an apartment. I'm not really sure what this means, maybe some sordid inkling about comfort or me wanting my own place, but me being on a plane in general is what I focused on. And when I looked it up (I know, I know, Google doesn't know everything and nothing on the internet is 100% reliable, but this was just validation for me personally) and sometimes dreaming about being on a plane means "you need a change in your daily life", and that's really all it took for me.

I slept on it again Tuesday night, and woke up this morning, refreshed. My first thought was "this is right, this feels right". So I'm going to try and make it happen because Tuesday? Probably one of the worst days I've ever had. And not because work was inherently bad or difficult, but just the inner demons hissing at me from behind my jailed soul were getting to me. It was a whole new level of inner darkness for me because I felt so helpless. It was like a Vantablack moment: the reprise. Only this time, it was happening at work instead of at home. 

I'm really hoping that everything works out, and goes according to plan. And I know that no matter what, everything will end up exactly how it's supposed to be, so I'm not stressing out too much about the outcome. It just would be really amazing if I got to do what I'm trying to do, and not only for just my stress in general. I've really got to figure out what's going on with my right ear. I've been having problems with it since, I can't even remember, probably back in April? Whenever it was that I was picking up overtime at the Lexington store, and right after I got super sick. Like a virus or something, only it fucked with everything. And then my eye had this redness thing going on and the medicine I went on to treat that ended up closing off my hearing in my right ear, about like 50%, for like a month. I got that taken care of, flushed my ears like I have to do every five years because of excessive ear wax, but now I they randomly flutter and close, and I have to pop them back into place in a way. It's so bizarre, and I need to fix it. It's no coincidence that it mostly happens on work days and doesn't bother me when I'm off. The stress has to be eliminated, for both my mental health as well as my physical health

Alright, enough of that "I'm ready...depression." stuff. Now that it's out of the way, I can get to the good parts. Sunday was great because I accomplished two things that I've always wanted to engage in. I bought the game Dream Daddy, which of course has been all over the internet for a while now and I've always been intrigued by, and the other thing is I recorded / started a let's play of a game and posted it on YouTube? Like WHAT. I never in a million years thought I would 1. Be able to find software to record anything and 2. Be comfortable enough to post it online where potentially anyone could see it, but I did it! After uploading my reaction to Kesha's Rainbow album to my channel (You can totes check it out if you like. As per my other social mediums, I'm Jesse Grey on there as well), I decided that I really wanted to play Dream Daddy, and not only play it, but record myself playing it for the first time and uploading it to my newly crafted channel. 

Firstly, I did a little research. I looked up Dream Daddy and what it was all about, watched a few let's plays of it, just to get a feel for the story and the game itself, and I knew I wanted it. And with it only being 15 dollars, how could I not buy it? And with how the start to my work week began, I'm super glad I did purchase it because it's been a great outlet for me to go to to just, play this awesome game, and be myself. I also researched some free recording software that recorded your computer screen, because you know ya girl's a thrifty and frugal bitch. I settled upon Atomi ActivePresenter, and it's made it so super easy. You literally start recording at the drop of a hat, or in this case, the simple press of a button, and that's it. You're recording. It also does a fantastic job of recording both your game's audio and your commentary audio without conflicting upon each other, which is what I was always worried about. But Atomi is incredible. I don't have a face cam in my videos, because honestly who wants it, but I love making the videos. It's been so fun! And I love exploring new outlets for me to sort of put myself out there. 

I recorded I think a total of eight videos of Dream Daddy on Sunday. It was like, three plus hours of gameplay, and I know, I'm literally trash. But like I said, it's been super fun. I recorded myself a little on Monday and a little tonight, and it's just resolidified the fun I'm having posting stuff online, and on YouTube no less. I also want to do book reviews, but that will be in the future haha. Anyway, yesterday, after the Vantablack day I had, I came home and didn't record any Dream Daddy. But I did do some writing in Book Two, and bitch that shit was fire. I was coming up with some literally Grade A +++ content. And officially, Lorde's Melodrama is the soundtrack to the book. I listened to it yet again while writing yesterday, and it just sounds the way the book feels, in the same way that Panic At The Disco's Death Of A Bachelor sounds the way that Sever felt. It was super good to get that out. I also read some more in The Foxhole Court, which I've also been dying to do. So even though my work day was less than stellar, my night ended up making up for it.

And today, like I mentioned a little before, started wonderfully when I woke up and I just felt...right. After mulling over my work decision for two days, it feels like the right thing to do, the next step for me. I just really want, and sort of need it, to work out the way I'm hoping. More to come on that as it develops. But bringing that newfound acceptance to work was nice, because it made for a good attitude to get the work day going. Plus, there wasn't nearly as much freight to run, and I actually STAYED IN ROUTINE TODAY BITCH. I haven't done that, actually worked all the processes were supposed to do on a daily basis, since literally my first week in the department. So Kudos to that. It was a good day surrounded by good feelings. Then I came home, recorded two more episodes of Dream Daddy, and now, it's almost time for Biiiiiiig Brotherrrrrr! It'll be the perfect cap on this really well played day. I'm gonna upload todays recordings of Dream Daddy to YouTube and schedule them for their acclimated days, and then it's relaxation until it's time for bed.

Also, I finally finished Season 8 of Charmed and I'm bummed. That feeling of finishing a TV series, even one you've seen time and time again, is a bummer. I'm looking for my next thing to binge and I don't know. I don't wanna do something on Netflix, but I might end up doing just that. I was thinking either Ugly Betty or Grey's since I have those DVDs, but we shall see tonight, I suppose. That'll be a problem for after Big Brother.

On the edge but hanging on,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Dark Western Cowgirl, Tattooed Angel

| Now Playing: Hunt You Down by Kesha |

I wanna be your baby,
Your angel all in black.
Your little blue eyed gypsy,
Who's always got your back.
I wanna be your favorite,
And always on your side.
I wanna talk forever,
With babies down the line.

But I got something to tell you first.

I never hurt nobody,
Never buried a body,
Never killed no one, no, no.
I ain't afraid,
To get a little crazy,
Baby when I'm in love.
You say you've had your fun,
And that you're done and I'm the one.
Just know, that if you fuck around,
Boy I'll hunt you down.

Thank the Good Lord that this week of overnights is O V E R *blares World Star sirens*. I'm so damn glad. There, luckily, hasn't been anymore drama as far as the spreading of lies and crap about how hard we've worked (Spoiler, we've worked hella hard all week), but I was just so ready for everything to be set and shit. I'm still a little self conscious about coming back to days on Monday. I just have a throbbing in my third eye that some type of drama is going to get spurred about how I've worked or just something I've done / haven't done and I'm not mentally prepared for it. But I've still got tomorrow to relax and try and not let that get to me.

I did get to leave early Thursday morning, in lieu of preparing for my tattoo appointment later on in the day, so that was I didn't leave quite as early as I would have liked, but hey, leaving early is leaving early. Once I got home, it was super hard to try and go to sleep. I don't know if it was just work getting to me, being almost done with overnights, the excitement over getting a new tattoo, or a combination of all things considered, but sleep evaded me for the longest time. I finally ended up falling asleep though, and I had an alarm set for eleven, so I could shower and get ready for the 12:30 tattoo appointment. But I ended up only getting about three hours of sleep, sleeping through my alarm, and waking up on my own at around 11:45. So I busted to get dressed and presentable and got to Blue Lotus in a timely manner. And as usual, Christinia is a damn genius when it comes to tattooing and I finally got my left hand inked! I'll insert a picture of my beautiful fish.
It's not the best picture, because the Aquaphor is sporting a massive glare to the camera, but it's the first picture I took, right after I unwrapped it once I got home. The art itself, comes from the same guy who made the raven one on my right hand, who also did the ravens for Maggie Stiefvater's Raven Boys, which we all know I'm overly obsessed with. This tattoo is just really important to me. Yes, it's a little nod to being a Pisces, the second tattoo in the probably Pisces Trilogy that I'll end up having on my body haha, but also the colors are important. My soul, my aesthetic, my heart, is made up of my three favorite colors: Blue, pink, and grey. And while these fish aren't grey, both of them sporting blue and pink are because they're my favorite colors, but also a nod to gender. I hate gender constructs, especially over inanimate things like toys, makeup, and color, so I wanted to have it mean like an androgyny sort of vibe. I feel both masculine and feminine all the time, and I just wanted this tattoo to have that meaning as well. I've also named them, as I've named my raven (Her name is Chainsaw, after the raven in Raven Boys). Their names are Masc and Femme, and, naturally, the pink one is named Masc and the blue one is named Femme. I need to quit attaching so much analytical meaning to everything but, in the words of Nina Bo'Nina Brown, sue me.
Image result for nina bonina brown sue me gif

After settling down from the high of getting a new tattoo, I settled in bed and started to watch Charmed (I'm currently on Season 8 of my rewatch, so I'm almost done for the 2345676543th time) and after watching Shane videos on my phone, I fell asleep, got another three hours of slept, and then got instantly annoyed because of my phone.

So for the past I literally have no idea how long, my phone has been giving me trouble. Mainly, I've been having trouble with the lightning port and my charger staying plugged in to the damn thing. No matter what I did, it won't charge or play music from the lightning port unless it's wiggled in at a certain angle, and I was having enough. It also was having trouble staying plugged in. The chargers were slipping out at the slightest touch or move, and it was really grating on my everlast-gobstopping nerve. It was super low on battery before I took my little nap after getting my tattoo done, and when I woke up, even after making sure the phone was plugged in before I fell asleep, my phone was dead. Deader than dead. It wouldn't even turn on. I was freaking out, because I thought that all of the sudden, my phone had lost the ability to charge altogether. After about an hour of messing with it, I got it to turn on and stay charging. But I decided I was going to see about going to AT&T to get it looked at and possibly fixed. But at least it was finally charging.

Jessie ended up coming over, spending the weekend here at the house. She brought Aidyn obviously, and I even still can't get over how freaking adorable her baby is. He's such a good baby and just so damn precious. It's been nice having her here, so we can catch up and everything. She might be moving back down here soon, which would be awesome. I miss all the fun times us cousins used to have when we were little.

I slept fairly normally. If by fairly normally, I mean I didn't fall asleep until after two, and I woke up at 6:30 and ended up staying awake. But hey, these are the things that happen when recovering from overnights, I suppose. I went to AT&T and got my phone fixed though! All that was plaguing my phone? All the issues I've been having, all the frustrations? Was from lint. A damn dust bunny of lint that was so much more than I would have expected. The guy who cleaned it out said it's just from being in my pocket and shit and it happens all the time, but really? Lint was my issue? Whatevs, it's fixed now and I haven't had any problems since leaving the store, so I'm happy. But after getting back from AT&T, I ended up turning on Charmed and fell asleep, and literally wasted my entire day off. This wasn't some short little nap. I was asleep for SEVEN HOURS. I didn't wake up until literally 6:30 this evening. I'm actual trash.

The rest of tonight has been littered with me just catching up on Big Brother (Thank God Jessica went home and isn't part of Jury! Cody is still there, but hopefully he's leaving soon). I was going to catch up on Claws, but I ended up not. Also, Kesha's album finally came out! I ended up making a video of my reaction to the thing, but it's so good. It's so damn good. It was definitely worth the wait and I'll be listening to it until further notice. The title of this blog is what I described in my video reaction of what Rainbow is haha. I'm a mess. Speaking of pop stars, literally don't ask me how I feel about this whole Taylor Swift trail going on. Everyone who knows me know I'm a Super Swiftie. People saying they don't care are the problem and I won't listen to any of it. I'm so proud of her for lending her voice to justice and I just love it. She's also given us the best quote of 2017, to be honest. "My ass is on the back of my body." Literally legend.

I'm currently writing this in-between the series finale of Orphan Black and I'm FUCKED UP. Like how is this beautiful show over for good? This show has meant so much to me and I'm just not over it. The ending just rolled and I cried. It literally was the best thing ever. Clone Club for life.

Anyway, I should probably calm myself down. Maybe I'll finally get to play some Splatoon 2, maybe I won't. But alas, here's to coming back to day shift. And to some writing getting done this weekend, that would be the ultimate goal. Or maybe I'll down myself in some reading and get back into The Foxhole Court. Who the hell knows, I could end up staying up all night and mess my sleep up even more.

Your dark inked cowgirl,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

And The Lights Will Flicker On And Off

| Now Playing: Hard Feelings / Loveless by Lorde |

I light all the candles,
Cut flowers for all my rooms.
I care for myself the way I used to care about you.
These days we kiss and we keep busy,
The waves come after midnight.
I call from underwater,
Why even try to get right?
When you've outgrown a lover,
The whole world knows but you.
It's time to let go of this endless summer afternoon.

Hard feelings, These are what they call hard feelings, of love.
When the sweet words and fevers all leave us here in the cold.
Alone with the hard feelings, of love.
God I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home.

Bet you wanna rip my heart out,
Bet you wanna skip my calls now.
But guess what, I'd like that.
'Cause I'm gonna mess your life up,
Gonna wanna tape my mouth shut.
Look out, lovers.
We're L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S, generation.
L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S, generation.
Of fucking with our lovers' heads, generation.

So much drama has happened in the past few days at work, I don't even know where to begin. I posted my last blog during my second attempt at staying up during the night to prepare myself for my Sunday night / Monday morning shift, the first of five. Well, I was successful. I stayed up until about 6:30, and slept until about 4:30, if I remember correctly. Everything's a little hazy, given my schedule since overnights started, so I'm bound to get some specifics wrong.

I woke up Sunday evening, and just played Splatoon 2 until it was time to get ready for work. The first night at work was probably the biggest flip that my department was undergoing. And that's what we were starting with. And it was, it really was a massive flip. It was a lot. Between myself, Cheryl, and Ken, plus the added weight of the Mod Team, we were able to get everything done that we had set out to do on Night 1, but the No Mod, dear God. The stuff dropping off of the Mod, the sheer amount of everything, is absolutely insane. I think the first night, we had seven carts of No Mod? Something like that, I honestly can't even be bothered to recall. It was just a lot, a lot, a lot. Then, as soon as I get off, which was over an hour late, by the way, I went straight home and went straight to bed. That's pretty much my routine when I work overnights. It worked well in the past, so I utilized it for this round of overnights as well.

Coming in Monday night / Tuesday morning was great. It's always wonderful to come in for an overnight shift, being told you aren't doing your job correctly and you left an obscene amount of pallets that should have been worked. Oh, and this is AFTER you walked off what was left with the Headmistress, which was only a pallet, a float, and a rocket cart. But spinning tales of seven pallets and all of that works too. Needless to say, Cheryl and I were PISSED. Then, I was told that I should have started planning this reset 30 days ahead of time. You know, the department that as of this morning, I have only had for TWENTY-FIVE DAYS. I was so beyond angry and so beyond over it. I'm glad that was the last of the nit-picking for the most part, but it really just set my teeth on edge and made them bleed frustration.

Last night / this morning, we got ahead. All four sections that were set to be made on our last two nights of overnights, we busted our asses and got them finished last night. So we're ahead as far as setting goes. But even though that's a great thing, we still have all of this New Mod and regular freight to work, that if we weren't ahead, we'd be utterly screwed. Luckily though, we are ahead for setting, so we can spend these next two nights filling and stocking the department. This is assuming everything goes according to plan, which, I'm not betting on. But hopefully, luck will slide more in our favor.

Shout out to SpongeBob for the title of this blog. It's a line from one of my favorite SpongeBob episodes of all time, Graveyard Shift, since I've been nether deep in overnights this week. I've also been listening to a lot of Lorde lately, hence why the past two blogs have had Lorde in the NP. Melodrama might just be becoming the soundtrack to Book Two. I haven't had much time for writing or time for reading more of The Foxhole Court, because everything's just been so crazy. I haven't even played Splatoon 2 since that Sunday evening before overnight week started, which is so foreign to me because I've played it every single day since I got it. But alas, my life has been so SpongeBob, answering to the metaphorical Hash-Slinging Slasher.

Tonight / tomorrow morning, we're cutting our overtime. Both Cheryl and I have plans tomorrow, so it works out. Plus, since we're ahead, it makes the most sense for us to cut it tonight when we're just running pallets upon pallets of freight and what have you. I'm getting Tattoo #6 at 12:30 tomorrow afternoon, and I'm so pumped! Mom had her appointment today, but I couldn't go because I was sleeping. I haven't heard from her, so she's either still getting tattooed, or she's on her way home from being tattooed and can't send me the picks. I can't even remember what she was getting, but I can't remember what anything is thanks to overnights, so I'm not going to push my luck.

I'm hoping tonight goes as planned, and Cheryl and I can both dip out at 5 AM to cut our time, and I can go immediately (ALL JUNIOR GIRLS REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY. IMMEDIATELY!) to bed so I can get some rest before my tattoo appointment. I would normally apologize for a movie reference, like that Mean Girls one in parentheses, but I don't apologize for any Mean Girls references, ever.

Flickering lights and long overnights,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Ketchup Kween

| Now Playing: Sober by Lorde |

Oh god,
I'm closing my mouth around this liquor wet lime.
Midnight, lose my mind.
I know you're feeling it too,
Can we keep up with the ruse?

Bodies all through my house,
I know this story by heart.
Jack and Jill get fucked up and possessive when it gets dark.
But my hips have missed your hips,
So let's get to know the kicks.
Will you sway with me,
Go astray with me?

King and queen of the weekend,
Ain't a pill that could touch our rush.
But what will we do when we're sober?
When you dream with a fever,
Bet you wish you could touch our rush.
But what will we do when we're sober?

And here we are, yet again, reporting live from this messed up schedule I'm on to try and prepare myself from overnights. I definitely failed at trying to stay up last night, and it's completely screwed me over for today / tonight, but I'm really trying to get it together for tonight. But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself, per usge.

The visit from Big Boss went okay, I guess. That's what they told us anyway. But since they came so late in the afternoon, ya girl was peaceing out ASAP. Even though my department was a massive trauma center of awful, if they say the visit went alright, then whatevs. Friday was a joke at work, just a mess. So much freight, so little accurate direction, just a mess. Please welcome to the stage, Messy Queen Galore. Literally my drag name if it were honest.

After leaving work Friday and coming home, my goal was to stay up until at least six in the morning (fail) and do some writing (double fail), while maybe catching up on all my shows (partial fail). I caught up on everything Orphan Black and it fucked me up. I'm so not ready for the entire series to be over after tonight's and next week's episode. I'm just so unprepared. I started to watch the five episodes I'm behind on The Fosters, but I fell asleep last night while watching it, so that didn't get completed. I even played some Splatoon 2 to keep me awake, but once I started watching The Fosters laying in bed, it was all over. I woke up around 5:30, sulking at my failure haha. But I went back to bed and finally gave up on trying to sleep late into the day and got up around 1. I fully woke up around 11, and just kept pushing myself to fall back asleep over and over again until I got up. I've stayed up for 72 hours straight before, but I just can't do it anymore.

I've pretty much spent the entire day, not really doing a whole lot. Just trying to stay up and moving, for the most part, I suppose. I've been playing a lot of Splatoon 2 throughout the day, pretty much most of the day, because there's a Splatfest going on, where people compete over a theme (which is ketchup vs. mayo) and, well, I don't really know what happens haha. I've literally played the game most of the day, hence the title, but I did drink some coffee and get some work accomplished. I did some writing to Lorde's album Melodrama, which is just way better than my initial thought of "oh I like it a lot". I didn't want to push the writing, because this sleep schedule / work preparedness has me so completely thrown off that I would rather wait and have good quality. But hey, working on some of it is better than nothing. I also completely rebranded some of my social sites, and reworked my tumblr, so that's good. I still want to work on putting up another chapter on Young Writers Society, so I'll probably work on that before I watch some Fosters or tonight's OB.

I also got those books I ordered from Amazon, finally. I'll insert a picture because I'm literally Lays Potato Chips and don't want to write them all out.

I'm currently reading The Foxhole Court, because I kept seeing stuff about it all over Tumblr. Also because Nora Sakavic inspired the whole turnaround for me, that lead to me putting my book on Smashwords and getting more active on Goodreads. So far, it's pretty great. The language is so wonderful and I'm so intrigued by the story, despite it lingering in the land of sports, but I already know it's full of hella gay, so I support it. I even tweeted all three authors about it, and heard back from Craig and Domino about theirs, so that was super awesome. I'd love to read some more of it, but I'm worried about reading more tonight and it making me tired. Maybe I'll do it anyways, since I can't make any further progress on my own book. But I'll probably end up playing more Splatoon 2 to be Pocahonest.

I'm just hoping that overnights go alright. I really don't want it to be a really bad week, because this past week was really pushing it. I'm really looking forward to a reprieve from that, so I'm really needing this week of overnights to pull it together for me. At least I'll have three nights off after I finish the overnight haul, and I'll also be ending it by getting a new tattoo! Thank fucking God to be honest because I can't really remember the last thing that I really looked forward to. I can't wait to have my other hand tatted, and I'm really needing it. That high from getting a new tattoo is just what I need to keep it together.
Well that's enough out of me. I'm going to go try and work on getting another chapter added to YWS and then I'll get to the shows I've missed. Here's hoping I can make it to at least 4 am. I guess that goal is a little easily obtainable. Oh, also, huge shout out to Kesha for continually slaying the game! She just released her latest song, Hymn, from the forthcoming Rainbow album and its a mukafuka BOP. The instrumental is so fucking good and the lyrics just speak to me on a wavelength of levels. Keep it up, Kesha. I NEED IT.

Googling ketchup overuser anonymous groups,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


| Now Playing: Fashion Of His Love by Lady Gaga |

I never was the kind of girl,
That's naturally sure when it comes to love,
Oh no.
I was insecure,
But when it comes to you and me,
I can't deny this feeling inside,
Oh no.
I never felt like this before,
This before,
No, no, no.

I'm seeing all the signs from above,
I'm gonna be the one that he loves.
I was made for loving him,
The fashion of his love.
I'm gonna be his first and last kiss,
'Cause baby I was born to be his.
I was made for loving him,
The fashion of his love.

Throwback jam in the Now Playing, what upppp. I've been randomly cycling through singing this song the past few days, and definitely today and yesterday. Also, how the hell are we already saying hello to August? I feel like this summer has been so stressful and so much has happened, that it's literally blazed at the speed of light out of my grasp. But anyway, let's get into the usual shitshow.

Benzo's birthday was Sunday! And we got to spend the entire day together, which normally is already life soothing, but spending her whole birthday side by side is just an extra slab of icing on the proverbial birthday cake. She said she wanted me to plan something, so I decided that we could hit up our numero uno Mexican eatery, Alejandro's, and have lunch there, followed by some later dessert at Bruster's. Mexican was glorious as ever, per usge, and we (mainly me) needed some time before we added dairy to the already swirling nether in my stomach. So we went shopping around hitting the usual hangouts. Ross & Burlington. Only this time, I was actually able to find stuff that not only I needed, but also for a good price / size. I found some really bomb shoes at Burlington that fit me perfectly and were on sale, so 'twas a win-win. I also bought a cheap vent mount for my phone because, since I'm having literally the worst time ever getting my chargers to stay plugged into my phone because the lightning port is literally garbáge, it would help me while listening to music in my car. We had a pretty good time just shopping around. I was hoping to find a backpack for me to use at work, but hey, you can't win 'em all.

We also watched Big Brother and Claws together to end the evening once I drove her back home, so that was great as well. Once I finally got back home, I was dreading it because it meant that work was glazing on over the horizon for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful to have my job and do enjoy it most of the time. But I just wish that certain things were different, and certain processes were followed / accurately staffed.

It wasn't too bad, I don't guess. I'm just really ready to get this 7 reset over with and am sort of looking forward to working overnights this upcoming week because it means I'll be left alone. Plus having Cheryl there with me will help my comfort levels at least. So that's good. Work hasn't been too bad following Monday. Just SO MUCH NEW stuff for the reset, I'm over And today, I found out that they're combining Pets with Paper Chemicals, so there goes my former department I guess. I mean, Pets is sometimes really hard to manage because it's shopped so heavily, so I guess we'll see how that goes (but I'm sure it's going to end badly).

Enough with that old tired recap crap, I'm so over talking about work all the time. My true work, my writing, is what I want to talk about more. Only, I haven't had a whole lot of time dedicated to writing because work has been so intense lately. Once I come home, I'm dousing myself in sessions of Splatoon 2 to both wind down and get aggression out of the my body. It's just really taken it's toll on me lately. Anyway, back to good tidings. Sunday, Benzo kept talking about us finding a place to play bingo at, something we've always wanted to do. And Monday night, we took our first plunge into the nightlife of playing bingo for profit.

It was up here in Salem, at the Moose Lodge. You know, the one that's literally within walking distance from my house? So fetch. Being there was a little daunting. Daunting because we've never played for money before, but also because the crowd was sided? Let's just say, some people were not very welcoming. But we had a sweet older lady guide us through the chaos, so I'm super thankful for that. Plus, there was free food, literally win-win. I didn't end up winning anything, but Benzo made it out with 50 bucks. Considering how much we spent at this place for the package and the food and everything, she only made about 10 dollars. But hey, that's more than we went in with. Plus, she deserved to win on her birthday. She's literally a waking angel walking this Earth and deserves way more than she gives, which is saying a lot. We hope to start playing more regularly like the 73 year olds we truly are at heart, but we need more funds saved up for that.

Only two more days of work left, and then I get to work on fucking up my sleep schedule. HURRAY! Not that there's much of a sleep schedule I have now. I've been having a little bit of trouble getting to sleep the past few nights. I'm about to go pop some melatonin before Big Brother comes on so hopefully I'll be ready to snooze on with Charmed by the time it's over with. I'd love to say that I'll get some writing done this weekend, but I don't know. I'm hoping since I'm going to be fucking up my sleep and therefore am staying up later into the night, I'm hoping that will be the case. But knowing me, I'll screw up and end up falling asleep supes earls Friday night. I just really want overnights to go well, and tomorrow really. Big Boss is coming, and of course, everyone is freaking out. Not me, because I'm still working hard to gain that control back, and because we've been pulled out of our departments so much the past two weeks, it's not like I've had a lot of time dedicated to polishing my department. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I work so hard every day, and that's all that matters in the end.

Time to devour some sleeping aids and relax before Big Brother comes on. Maybe I can sneak a quick shower in and wash the haste from the past few days off of me. God willing.

Your bingo playing fiend,

-- Jesse

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Eureka! Epiphany!

| Now Playing: Vacation by Superfruit |

I can't believe I still get like this,
My body on fire, Breathless.
I only wanna be alone with you.
It's alright,
I'm coming for you baby.
Hold tight,
Let me break on you like a wave.
And don't you pretend that you can't feel it.

I'm yours tonight if you say that you want it,
Our paradise if you think you can go there.
Sweet summer love vacation,
Feeling the good vibrations.
Our paradise if you say that you want it.

And I'm telling you, (I'm not going. You're the best man, I've eeeeeeevvverrrr known. No there's no way I can, eeeeeeeeevvverrrr go. No no there's no way. No way I'm living without you. I'm not living without you. I don't want to be freeeEEEEeee. I'm staying, I'm staying. And you. And you. You're gonna love meeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee.) Please ignore that, I just went on a musical tangent for a second there. Anyway, I'm telling you, work this week has been pretty insufferable. It's just been so intense with all those prices changes and everything, it's just been so overwhelming. Thursday was filled with more of the same. More prices changes, more extra stuff that they wanted me to do that I didn't have time for. And Friday I was STILL trying to get all of the late clearance out of the way. I finally was able to clear all the late ones. But there was still over a thousand when I left. Plus I had time to cut Thursday from staying over the day before. But this weird thing happened Friday that I was super thankful for and kept me from literally losing my shit.

I was mentally coaching myself, talking myself down from being so wound and feeling like I was teetering on the edge of mental capacity. I kept telling myself that I can only do what I can do and just to quit stressing out so much. I just have got to quit letting that place effect me so much. So I felt a little better, and the stress just absolutely left me after thinking about the second book and the plotlines just shifted everything into perspective for me and everything. It was really needed.

Today was Lays Potato Chips, but it's what I needed. I did do laundry, so now I have all clean clothes for the first time since I moved back to Salem. Oh, and Friday, I treated myself and bought some books from Amazon and also stopped by Gamestop and picked up my copy of Splatoon 2. And thank God I did. It was exactly what I needed. Splatoon 2 is such a damn fun game and it really allowed myself to get lost in it and just enjoy it to the fullest extent. I might play a little here in a minute just before bed. I cleaned my room some more, playing more Splatoon, watched some Charmed, fell asleep for an hour, and woke up about an hour ago just to write this and everything. And then I saw a massive spider in my room the size of the raven on my tattooed hand that my grandma had to kill because I was petrochemically petrified. And now, Benzo and I are sending voice texts quoting Matilda. We're enough haha. I'm glad tomorrow's her birthday so we can eat, be Lays Potato Chips: The Sequel, and enjoy each other's company.

This is the shortest blog I've had in a while. But that's because I haven't done much, and I've been trying to destress from this week before overnights start next Sunday. Pray for me. (PRAY WITH ME FORREST, PRAY WITH ME). I'm enough tonight.

Thankful for the little epiphanies,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dark Side Of The American Dream

| Now Playing: Without You by Lana Del Rey |

Summer time is nice and hot,
And my life is sweet like vanilla is.
Gold and silver line my heart,
But burned into my brain are these stolen images.
Stolen images, baby, stolen images.
Can you picture it?
Babe, the life we could've lived.

Hello, hello,
Can you hear me?
I can be your china doll,
If you like to see me fall.
Boy you're so dope,
You're love is deadly.
Tell me life is beautiful,
They all think I have it all.
I've nothing without you,
All my dreams and all the lights mean,
Nothing without you.

I know, I know. I'm complete trash for having a Lana Del Rey song in the NP for the third time in a row, I'm aware. But she's just so damn good and this song has literally been stuck in my head the past couple of days, that I literally had no choice. Every time I've been in the car, I've alternated between Million Dollar Man and Without You. Lana's Born To Die album is just so fucking good, I can't escape it even if I wanted to. Now that that's out of the way, onto our regularly scheduled shit show.

Let's start with the positives, or as I like to call it, Sunday. That's where my positives' peaked, and it's been a runoff of toxic sludge ever since.
Image result for spongebob sundae

Sunday was really good. I set out a personal goal to just write on my last day off before the work week, and that's exactly what I did. I actually wrote a whopping ten pages. I was pretty impressed with myself. I'm finally, and trying to keep up the momentum, churning out this second book on a more regular basis. I've needed to for a while now. It's been over a year since I started the second book and the first book's publishing and subsequent release took over so much that I didn't really have a whole lot of time to write in the second book. But I suppose that's the price of being a writer, and a self-published one at that.

Monday, meaning work, is when things plummeted. As they tend to do lately, when work is involved. During the morning meeting, we learned that all of us were blitzing out the Back to School freight. All of it. And all of it, was ten pallets. That's literally so insane, I still can't believe we finished it all. Of course, it took us over two hours to get everything done. Not to mention everything else we had to get done that day. And to top it all off, I checked my departments price changes, and I had over 3500. 3500. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I just laughed. Because there was no way I was going to have time to get to them after having over two hours of my day taken away from me because of BTS. There was just no way in hell. The only real good that came out of the day was when I decided to start posting my novel on my old stomping grounds, good ol' Young Writers Society. I remembered how much feedback I used to get on my writing, and we all know that's the one thing I've been dying to devour since my novel's release. I suppose it's a lot easier to take in single chapters, most reading is. So that was literally the only plus.

Things didn't really get better with yesterday. I woke up to five notifications on YWS, which floored me that I had such an active response on just posting the Prologue from my book. So that was wonderful. I didn't get to read everything and soak it in in detail until much later, but waking up to that was nice. Another benefit I forgot to mention from leaving the weekend was my sleep. I stayed up a little longer Sunday night to see if that helped my sleeping, and it did. I'd love more than six and half hours of sleep, but apparently, my body just can't handle it. Anyway, work wasn't too bad and nothing really special or crazy happened, except that I literally cast out all my fucks and wore a shirt to work that's not approved. I wanted to be comfortable and my 90's cartoon nostalgia shirt just needed to be kept on from slumber. So I did. Luckily, I think I got away with it only because it's blue. It doesn't have a collar like we're supposed to don, but it was good enough from me, and honestly, all that they were getting from me.

Mawmaw made Poor Mans for dinner, much to my excitement. With her famous mashed potatoes, it was a lovely dinner. I'm only mentioning this because it was one of the few things that has been enjoyable about the past few days, so I'm reveling in them when I'm presented the opportunity. It was hella good on every level, so I kept on metaphorically dancing (I'm sorry, I'm just a sucker for that classic No Doubt song). The responses from Young Writers Society weren't bad, and I'm really good at taking constructive criticism, especially when I'm so proud of this body of work, more than anything I've ever created, so I don't sweat the small stuff. Plus, the book is already published, so it doesn't matter what I'm advised to "work on". But feedback was what I wanted and that's what I got. I actually noticed some things to take away from the reviews and comments, which is always a good thing. I just hate that you have to gain "points" by reviewing other's work just to post your own. It's a definite flaw in their system, but whatever works to get people looking at your stuff.

Today was just enough. Enough in pretty much every aspect of my life. One plus being is I didn't stay too much after work and we had Taco Bell for dinner. I can't remember the last time I'd had the delectably sinful delights from Taco Bell, but it was a nice reminder for how much I really need to lose weight. But the time though, where is it? Price changes consumed my work day, as I still had a fair amount upon coming in. I knew I was going to be doing them all day, but what I wasn't counting on was the fact that some of them, miraculously, became late halfway through the day. I wasn't even aware that such a thing could happen, but I know now I suppose. I was going to stay until 5, or even 6 or 7 to get more of these "late" ones done, but Sean (My assistant manager) told me via a text from April R to go ahead and head home, and he'd try to work out some help for the prices changes tomorrow. Hopefully he's true to his word because I still have over 2000. There's no way I'm going to be finished with them by the end of the week, let alone the three day time period we're "supposed" to have on them.

Yet another thing to siphon my good feelings has been the latest in Trump Tweets Bullshit. Not allowing transgender individuals in the military and banning them from further serving is just absolutely garbage. I'm not here for it, and talking politics in my family is just dangerous. My grandparents hold such...I won't say strict, let's say rigid, republican standards that it's hard to reason with them, more so my grandpa, who let's just save time and say holds some still rather radical views on things that shouldn't be radical anymore. It got me really heated today when we were talking about it (With my dad, who made a surprise visit), and it just really got me down. I'm so tried of feeling so oppressed all the time. And I already have enough self-doubt and demonic depression holding me down without getting added artillery from our so called triumphant leader. I've just had enough this week, and I'm so ready for the weekend. I'm hoping to do something with Benzo for her birthday, only I don't know what. Even if it's just spend time together, I'm all for it. I just need a reprieve.

Speaking of reprieves, Big Brother is about to come on. So I'm going to go soak into that for a good while before I possibly do some writing, possibly do some reading, I don't know. I'm going to be up after it's over is all I know. I'm too wound up to wind down at the moment.

Forever a dark-sided dreamer,

-- Jesse

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Full Dark, No Stars

| Now Playing: Million Dollar Man by Lana Del Rey |

I don't know how you convince them and get them,
I don't know what you do.
It's unbelievable.
And I don't know how you get over,
Get over.
Someone as dangerous, tainted, and flawless as you

One for the money,
Two for the show.
I love you honey,
I'm ready, I'm ready to go.
How did you get that way?
I don't know.
You're screwed up and brilliant,
Look like a million dollar man.
So why is my heart broke?

Since my wonderful day off, work has tried it. I mean, really tried. Even more so than at the beginning of this week. I don't even want to get into the details because I'm so over it. Just more and more of the same, more and more of expecting me to get all of this work done without staying over to get said work done. And because I stayed after Thursday, it meant that Friday was going to be a blessed day. And really, a thrice blessed day.

It's no secret that I've been getting into Lana Del Rey recently. And by "getting into" I mean "falling down the deepest darkest hole of her beautiful music's soul". It seems that the songs from Born To Die are probably my favorite, but that hasn't stopped me from pretty much downloading her entire audio arsenal. And Thursday night, after the trials of work and it's long day of acquiring overtime, I thought to myself "When in the hell does Lana's new album come out?". I knew it was soon, but upon looking it up, I saw that I only had to wait until morning for Lana to fuck me up with Lust For Life in full. And bitch. I. Wasn't. Ready. It's so good. Definitely more hip-hop influenced than the rest of her work, in my opinion, but Jesus H. Christ, I was unprepared. I mean, 13 Beaches? White Mustang? God Bless America - And All The Beautiful Women In It? Lana, you've successfully fucked this gay up.
Related image

Anyways, after listening to her album in the car Friday morning before work, I was elated and just ready to get the day over with. Not only was there a new Lana album to obsess over, but also, because I had the hour and a half of overtime, I was planning on taking a super long lunch to cut my time, and in turn using that time to write more in the second book. That ended up happening, but not the super long lunch part.

There was work drama. About the cutting of time. After being so drilled in our brains to not cut time on Fridays, everyone pretty much knew that if you still had time on Fridays, you had to cut it on lunch. This was again reiterated to us during the morning meeting. But as I and another associate were called to stay after, we were told to break this very rule because we had such an excess of time. So then one associate heard that another, one who's allowed to do literally whatever the hell she wants because of the department that she's over, had FOUR hours to kill. Then I was stopped by good ol' gossip Hardware that Electronics was pissed about Pick-Up. Then the drama hit the fan when an electronics associate called out Pick-Up saying, "It must be nice to be so favored that you get to do what you want, whenever you want." GIRL. The T was hot, and served with strawberry toast. Ya girl was L I V I N G.

But since Paper Chemicals had my back and I had hers from the meeting, we went ahead and followed order to only cut thirty minutes of our overtime on lunch and cut the rest by leaving early. I agree that it sucks and everyone should be held to the same exact standards, but I was just following orders at the end of the day. Big Brother had a Battle Back this week, Friday, so I got to enjoy that fresh hell. I'm so annoyed by who came back, but I also totally expected it. Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries. It's a train wreck and I'm over it. I got to write some again last night, to Lana of course, and some good shit was pouring out of me. But it was late and I needed to stop before it got too late. I wanted to write some more after this, but now I'm not so sure. I'm getting really tired and I might just lay in bed with some MPGIS.

Today wasn't too bad. I didn't sleep much. I kept on having these weird dreams about some of my fears, among them being my teeth falling out and my car being stolen and someone trying to murder me. But I guess that's just the fucked up psyche of the average creative type. At least, that's what I'm telling myself so that I can move on with my life. I got into Riverdale last night. I had watched the pilot with Benzo a while back, and I loved it. The Archie characters, I've always loved. And Archie's Weird Mysteries was my SHIT. So I kept up the trend today and binged the first season. Thanks Netflix! It's dialogue is very up my alley, and the title of this blog came from it. I know it's also a Stephen King novel, but recycled saying or not, I love it to death. But the show is amazing. It's literally so good. Gives me a good vibe for my book too. So that's always a plus.

Also, as a side note, I tried to litter this blog with amazing gifs, but Blogger wasn't having it I guess because when I went to paste in my third one, it didn't even appear, but messed with the formatting. So only Lana up there shall remain. Fitting, as that damn Million Dollar Man song has been plaguing my dreams so effervescently.

Honorable Mention for NP goes to Shania Twain's new song, Poor Me. THE QUEEN OF CROSSOVER IS BACK BITCHES. I can't wait for Now to be released as a full album. I'm so ready, willing, and able for it.

Starless and darkful,

-- Jesse