Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Jesus Helvetica Christ

| Now Playing: Keep Me Coming by Superfruit |

You know I wanna stay the night,
You got me on the floor confessing.
Lead me on and you change your mind,
You keep me second guessing.

You tear me into pieces,
That's alright.
You torture and you tease me,
That's alright.
I'm running out of reasons,
That's alright.
'Cause you take it away, take it away,
And I want it back.

You keep me coming,
Keep me coming back for more.
You keep me coming,
Keep me coming back for more.
I know you know I want it,
You keep me coming,
Keep me coming back for more.

If my last blog post was the preamble to hell, then this blog is the epicenter of the eternal fire. It's been such a rough couple of days, that I don't even know where to begin. As usual, it's because of work stress that I'm out of sorts. I mean, how many blogs can I count that don't involve me reeling from work, and end up emotionally shorthanded during the weekend? I can count the ones that I don't on one hand, I would imagine. I just, I don't know. I know I keep saying that, but this time, I really don't. Especially after today. Even yesterday was absolutely horrific and my blood pressure was on such an emotional roller coaster, that for today to also be such a soulful whirlwind, it's all too overwhelming. Anyway, on to the main course.

The last day of my weekend was spend relaxing. I literally played more video games than I did writing, because it was just an off day in respect to writing, I guess. But at least I've been getting back into Splatoon 2. I've been playing so much Mario Kart lately that I've neglecting my lil baby. But Splatoon has been fire. Like today, I played six matches in a row that I WON. SIX. I've never won that much in a row because I always have to be the mom of the team and cover the HQ, but that's neither here nor there. Back to my point. I ended up playing a bunch of Splatoon and just being Lays Potato Chips and watching YouTube videos and whatnot. That part was great. But, like usual, the work week started, and thus Hell on Earth was unleashed.

So I can't really speak to this for Monday. Monday really was the MVP of the week. It wasn't a bad day, but I still wasn't able to stick to routine. Mainly because I had 660 price changes drop, but what can you do? I worked hard to get them cut in half at least, on top of running freight and everything else. They also had us in Infants for like an hour, just zoning, so that cut into time I could have been executing processes, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, Marty. They've also restarted the zone at two, and we're not allowed to do anything else but zone. So that's also been cutting into time. But ya know. Like I said, Monday was a blessing in comparison. A true, god-fearing blessing.

Because yesterday, I just can't. Like it actually causes me physical pain to think about. Actual lacerations across my heart. But I'll do my best. So walking in, there was more freight than usual for my department. Which isn't to say that it was a lot, a cart and a pallet, but still more than I normal would have, and thus throwing me off of my normal routine for the day. So there was that. Then my blood pressure met its first spike when I was told that the things I was already working, i.e., the pallet and the cart, was already worked. Which I found funny because everything that I was working was going out. Which means that someone wasn't doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing, which is so frustrating, because it means I have to go back and double check, and waste more time. But yeah. Especially when the home is empty? So frustrating. Then the second spike hit when Seanathan Michael told me that there was my stuff in the wrong bin and there was more to run. Then I check behind him, just to make sure he got everything, and I'm finding stuff that's being hidden behind over boxes. I was livid. I saw red. I heard sirens. Kill Bill sirens. I was a man possessed. It was just enough. It was just a dark day. And then the third spike came in knowing that tomorrow, meaning today, was going to be rough because Wednesday's are notoriously hard because most people have it off. And it was. Oh, it really was.

But it was so bad that I texted Benzo and asked if we could meet up at Alejandro's and pig out like the fatty fatty fat fat that I am. So we did, and it was scrumptious as usual. Then we went to Ross and Target, where I was literally blown away by their men's clothing selection. I very rarely go to Target, and probably haven't been in one since 1989 came out, so there's that. But they have multiple size fats so I was in heaven. Then we headed out to see mother!, which was a weird...interesting movie. Like, it has you going until the very last frame. It's crazy. But an interesting, good kind of crazy. I think. I'm still trying to process the damn thing haha.

I also had another nightmare last night. More murder and craziness matching some stuff from the weekend. In last night's, it was sort of like a movie. I was part of a group of teenage friends, and they were offed by a killer. The killer was revealed, three of us, myself included survived. Then it went like a year or so later, and we had new friends with us, and all but the three of us were killed again. It was revealed that one of the three of us were the killer this time, mourning over the loss of one of the friends from the first killing, blaming us for surviving. They murdered us before killing themselves. Then a third one, where I was inhabiting a new character, that ended up being the killer and getting away with it. I have fucked up dreams, y'all.

Today was a behemoth of underestimation. A unfathomable decline in moral, integrity, and overall work ethic. I'm still trying to recover from what happened today. I'll do my best not to lose it, to be honest. So everything was fine. Not fine, but better than yesterday. Even went back out to lunch with Teresa and Pam today (We also went out Monday and I ate at Zaxby's for the first time {it was alright}), and everything was just mediocre. Then the shrink meeting happened. And it wasn't too bad, until it took a turn for the worst. After AP asked us a question, on how we were gonna fix blah blah issue and what the issue was, we gave reasons. And verbatim? "Well if all you're gonna do is complain, then you need to quit your job. You're being paid to do a job for a reason, and if you can't do it without complaining, then you can go. You're all replaceable." I fucking kid you not. I was livid. I saw red. I heard sirens. Kill Bill sirens. It was just too much. I still can't get over it. I still have no idea how I'm going to go in there tomorrow and do my job without plateauing in depression. It's going to be so hard.

Tonight was the finale of Big Brother. Paul didn't win. Pissed. But ya know. And the title of this blog comes from what I've been saying lately. I always say Jesus H a lot, and ended up giving it a working middle name, since I have an infatuation with middle names for some reason. Also, during mother!, I came up with Lucifer Christian on the fly, because I'm HILARIOUS. Ignore me, I'm depressed. The one thing that's been keeping me going is Keep Me Coming, and Future Friends the album in general, keeping me pumped up. AND. My reputation merch is going to be here Tamar Braxt! I'm so excited to see it all. So that'll at least get me through the day. Or, at least, I'm hoping.

A bold face italic, 

-- Jesse

Saturday, September 16, 2017


| Now Playing: Save Me From Myself by Chester Lockhart |

I'm tired of losing sleep.
Tensions too high,
But I'm in too deep.
Is like a dear old friend.
No matter where we start,
Together in the end.

If I lose it all, will you still be here?
We die for the money, we cry golden tears.

Bloody noses up in Beverly Hills,
We wear bikinis while we're drowning in pills.
Drive my Mercedes on the highway to hell,
Somebody save me from myself.

Ugh. That's how I would sum up the past couple days since my last blog. Just ugh. The SpongeBob episode.
Anyway, after coming down from the sheer annoyance of Wednesday's work day (Mainly because of AP but ya know), I woke up Thursday feeling pretty good because I actually slept well. I don't know why the previous days were so hard for me, and why sleep was eluding me like a sought after dream, but I was super thankful to have finally gotten some rest for once. So I was in good spirits when I headed into work, which is unusual these days, but I was feeling myself (trademark, Beyoncé).

I got with Dennis about my back wall, and it needing to be organized and some of the deleted needed to be taken to clearance, and I actually got the okay to mark stuff down, as long as it was nine dollars and under. Which I'll take at this point. At least most of it was around that price and was able to go down. I put stuff that was over that on clearance labels anyway, and it helped drive some sales that way, so I'm not complaining. The only problem was that this project was going to take up the majority of my time, from organizing everything, getting everything accurately priced, and then marking down the things that I was able to markdown, I was looking at an all-day, if not most-day, project. Which meant that there was no way I was going to be able to stay in routine, but it had to be done. The only other problem with this, was that a particular Elderly Duo kept on getting in my way.

Riffling through the buggy of markdown items, giving me hard glances, and hovering around me for THREE HOURS. I come back from lunch, and think all is well. Cut to an hour and a half later, when I'm actually getting somewhere and marking down the markdown items, who pops in for a rude hello? I was over it. It literally was making my blood pressure boil, and considering that this was happening not only for long periods of time but also multiple times throughout the day? They were making MARCUS come out. I jokingly talked about this on Tuesday, when we had to move the BTS stuff to L&G. I was joking with Zack that I had a demon inside of me, and his name was MARCUS. It was just a joke and the first name that popped into my head at that moment. And I've decided that it's preferred if his name is in all caps (I swear, I'm not actually insane). But the reason this blog is titled after this hypothetical and imaginary hell-dweller is because it's just how I've been feeling lately. What with AP getting on my last possibly nerve on Wednesday, and then the Elderly Duo on Thursday, it was just enough.

Then, after work on Thursday, I debated on whether or not I should wait until midnight to film my reaction to Superfruit's album, which arrived at midnight, or wait until I got off work on Friday to do it. I was going to wait until Friday, but my grandma let me know that Jessie, my cousin, was coming down for the weekend, and since I presumed that she was bringing Aidyn with her, I opted for Thursday night instead.  I didn't want to wake the baby or anything with my loud reacting ass, so I had to stay up to film it. Which sucked, because I was dead tired after dealing with the Elderly Duo and marking down items earlier in the day. But I did it. I waiting for Part Two of Future Friends to come out on iTunes by go ahead and reacting to the Part One songs while waiting. So that was fun. And the Part Two songs are SO GOOD. Scott and Mitch really set the bar high with the music, and I'm obsessed. Their music is so different, especially for pop music, and it's so fucking good. I'm also pretty proud of the album cover I made for the album, which I did Friday night while organizing the album titles and added Sweet Life (A track only on their YouTube channel). I'll insert the album cover because I'm obsessed with my handiwork and also my YouTube video of my reaction of the album. NOTE: I didn't edit the base picture of Scott & Mitch, the ball pit picture which I love so much. I just superimposed the logo and matched the color of the album title and everything with the background from the picture I found through Google. But here ya go anyways.

My song in the NP was going to be Hurry Up! by Superfruit, because I kept singing it all day at work Friday, but I kept going back to Chester's song, especially today on my day off. After filming my complete reaction, I was so tired, so I headed to bed. And since I finished Queer As Folk, as I previously mentioned, I didn't know what to watch. I tried a few shows I'd never watched before, then opted for HTGAWM Season 3 rewatch, but I wasn't feeling it. I guess I was too damaged by my loss of Queer As Folk haha. So I just started replaying it again. I know, I'm trash. But what else is new?

Then I woke up and headed to work. But I woke up from the weirdest dream. Literally, the weirdest. I had a dream that I was a Power Ranger (super dork, I know) and it was set during this sort of post-apocalyptic world where Rangers were the sources of power in the country, whether it be political, social, or otherwise. Basically, if you weren't a Power Ranger, you weren't worth anything. Apparently, it got this way because a lone Ranger decided that normal mortals were beneath them, and they rose through the ranks until the world became post-apocalyptic and they affirmed their seat of power. Anyway, there was a rogue group of Rangers, desperately trying to restore order to the world, and give power back to those that deserved it, and needed it. I was a part of the Rogue Rangers. Anyways, so it was my job to sneak into this Power Rangers base, right. And this thing was guarded by some of the strongest Rangers that had ever morphed. And I had to sneak on, without morphing, to retrieve some type of device or something or other that was the source of this tyrannical leader Ranger's powers of success. So I made it through this entire weird obstacle course, Great Wall of China-looking base, and met up with a small group of fellow Rouge Rangers at the rendezvous point, which was the power device we needed to acquire. Well, the leader of the Rogue Rangers? Was my Tumblr crush haha. This guy that I think is super cute that I follow on Tumblr (He's also a fellow Swiftie, but I'm trash where he's health, so there's literally nothing there, but I can still dream). I don't even know his real name, but I digress. He was the leader of the Rogue Rangers and he said "We have to get this right." And wouldn't you know it, one of the Elite Rangers popped up, intent on stopping us from getting the device. She morphed, and her suit was very reminiscent of the Yellow Mighty Morphin Ranger, but the suit looked different and the helmet was as well, and I attempted to morph but she knocked me off the ledge we were on. The rest of the Rogue Rangers scattered, and my Tumblr crush rushed to my aid and said "We have to get out of here. The rest of the world will die along with us if we let them win." And I remember running with him to safety and I woke up. I know, it's weird. But honestly, it was kind of everything. I've always wanted to be a Power Ranger.

Anyway, now that I'm done embarrassing myself, work wasn't too bad yesterday. I also did routine. Capping and all. It was a pretty good day. Nothing really major happened. Oh, I forgot to mention, on Thursday, after the blow up with AP, I skipped the morning meeting Thursday. I had a lot of work to do anyway, with the markdown thing going on, so it was all well. Apparently nothing was said. They didn't even do the cheer that morning. Petty. Anyways, Friday was good. I got to do my thing, helped out a couple people, Morgan was at Academy, so I helped with price changes. All in all, it was a good day. 

There was a new sneak peak at a behind the scenes video for Taylor's LWYMMD video, so that was fun. But as soon as I got home, I had to get to work editing the Superfruit video, so that's all I did. By the time I was done, Jessie was here. As was my cousin Taylor, so we all hung out for a few. They were gonna play Monopoly, and wanted me to join, but when they left to get Taylor's brother, they weren't back at 10, and home girl was TIRED. So I ended up going to bed and falling asleep almost instantly. I found out later that they didn't even play, and Taylor ended up going home, so all was well.

But sleeping didn't go so well for me. Firstly, I kept on waking up thinking that I had to work because that's how hard I was sleeping. I was so tired from trying to stay up to hang out with my cousins, and it just fucked with for some odd reason. Then, I had two terrifying, weird, nightmares. Well, the first one wasn't so weird. I had this dream where these people were breaking into the house. But like it started outside, where I was like with my grandparents and they pulled up in this truck and suddenly we were inside. And then the next thing I knew, one of the girls is in the house and she pulls a gun, and I start running. I mean, I booked it. I remember running in zig zags, so they couldn't get a good aim on me, and I ran through the yard and the church (I live next door to a church, ironic, I know) and heading towards the road, but there were no cars. I woke up in a flourish. I rose up off my bed a little bit. Because what scared me the most was the first shot the girl made. I felt the bullet graze my thigh, and it really fucked me up. I reluctantly went back to sleep and had an equally scary but much more weird dream. In this one, I was back at my Lake Lane house with my mom and I had a sister? Which is weird, because I only have a brother, but ya know, dream logic. Anyways, she had this boyfriend that could morph into a snake? Did I mention that it was a weird dream? Anyway, her boyfriend was the guy who plays Josh on Being Human, a show I only watched half of the first episode of, and he morphed into half snake, half man and, like, injected his tail into my "sister" and said she was impregnated with hybrid snake-human babies that would kill her from the inside out, then we locked him in a room. I went running because I'm terrified of snakes, and he morphed into a snake and chased me out of the house, and outside, until I felt my body giving up, screaming for my mom, and right before the snake got to me, I woke up.

I was so freaked out, I had to get out of the house. I checked the time, it was only seven in the morning. But I was freaked the fuck out. I got in my car, and drove. I ended up getting some breakfast at McDonalds, and was still reeling from how those dreams got to me. It was just a really weird situation.

I came home, did some writing, then decided to play some Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (I blame Joe for his recent Let's Play of it), and that's all I've done all day, besides bingeing some Try Guys videos, and the Buzzfeed Queer Prom videos, which literally melted my ice heart. Then Jessie say my genius snapchat of Waluigi in slow-motion with the track in the NP playing haha. I think I'm literally so funny. Anyway, she came in and we played a few rounds of Mario Kart. All in all, a good way to spend my day off. Just next time, hold the slasher movie / snake humanoid dreams, okay?

Not exactly a demon but probably a descendant of one,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

And That's Putting It Loose Leaf

| Now Playing: Garden by Dua Lipa |

Used to walk around your apartment,
Nothing but a smile on me.
But tonight I'm so self conscious,
Isn't it so clear to see?
Nothing's ever perfect in paradise,
Don't know what it's worth 'til you pay the price,
When you bite your tongue does it draw blood?

So are we leaving, this Garden of Eden?
Are we leaving, this Garden of Eden?
Now I know, what I know,
But it's hard to find a meaning.
Where do we go, 'cause we don't,
Believe in this Garden of Eden.

The past few days since my last blog have been pretty weird, I guess. Just weird, really. Sunday was wonderful, because I was still off. I got a little bit of writing done, but not too much. After writing almost the entire weekend I had off, I was sort of more than creatively drained. But getting 25 pages done over the course of three days is a feat nonetheless.

I also finally got to get together with Benzo on Sunday, and it was much needed. After she got off work, we met up at the usge, good ol' Alejandro's. We had a great time, and the food of course was hella good so we kept on dancing. The title of this blog also comes from out time together, as I'm hilarious and said this when retelling to her about work. But it's also fitting, seeing as how work went on Tuesday. I'm literally just hilarious is the moral of the story.

Work on Monday, was actually pretty amazing. And given how the setup to work began, that's a miracle. Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I was nervous about going into work because I had called out, and no matter the just reason, I felt guilty for not being there. I guess that's just the person that I am. I didn't fall asleep until around 3:30 in the morning, and considering I have to be up at 6 for work, it just was awful. Heading into work was rough, super rough. I was so tired, and on top of all the worries I had, it was just a lot to deal with. But like I said, the day ended up being pretty great. I actually was able to follow routine and just had a really good day. But my ear acted up. It's important to note here that my ear didn't bother me ALL WEEKEND. But as soon as I get back to work? Intense ear pain, throbbing pain. It was so intense. I've really got to get this checked out.

We also have a new Co at the store. Dennis, and he's awesome. That was mainly presented on Tuesday. We were called to an early meeting to be told that we had to move BTS, take it to L&G, and then set the rest of Halloween. A mess. Literally, we weren't in out departments from the rest of the day. Literally until 4. But we were out of fixtures, and within ten minutes, Dennis had us some. I have a really good feeling about him. He's super great. I actually had to take the helm of BTS / Halloween project because there was just no direction going on and we needed to get it done. So I took on that role, and it turned out pretty good.

When I got off work, I filmed a new reaction video. I had the idea to react to someone I've never listened to, so I decided to react to Dua Lipa's debut album. She's been really popular on Tumblr, so I figured what the hick, why not. And I was impressed. Here's my video, if you'd like to watch it.

So there's me being the mess I usually am. But it was super fun to react to. Next up is Superfruit on Friday and I'm so excited! That's going to be so much fun. I absolutely love their music, and having another seven tracks to listen to is going to be hella good, so I'm sure I'll keep on dancing there as well.

Today was really good. Firstly, my time off got approved for Taylor Swift's album release! I'm super extra, I know, but to truly prepare myself, I need the day off. So thank God that's a real and true thing. Taylor would be proud haha.

And since I've been having such a hard time sleeping lately, after I got off work yesterday, I went straight to bed. Literally, right after dinner. I slept from 6:30 in the afternoon until 4:30 in the morning. THAT'S how tired I was. But I went ahead and stayed up once I got up this morning, because I had already slept for ten hours, so I figured I should get up for the day. I'm so sad though because I finished Queer As Folk. I'M LITERALLY SO SAD. I cried during the ending, even though I've seen it multiple times before. I just can't. Queer as Folk is such a damn good show. I just finished the last episode while I was doing my boosts for after dinner tonight.

Then I caught the Nintendo Direct, literally nothing exciting but more info on UltraMoon and Mario Odyssey, but there ya go. No news on Smash, super annoyed at that. But that's about it. Oh, I also sort of talked to Dennis today about my feelings, the ones I've been trying to talk to Seanathan Michael lately (That's his new name, per me). I felt so relieved to get it off my chest, but I don't know what's going to happen with it. Probably nothing, but we shall see. Oh. And Bitch. I got selected to do the cheer this morning, and it went poorly. It was AP (I won't even bother saying her name) who kept egging me on, and I was like no, I'm not doing it. I just don't feel comfortable being put on the spot in front of a large group of people. That literally sets my anxiety on fire, and she was gasoline dangling over the flame. She pulled me aside after the meeting and said "you WILL do it next time." Not a chance, I'm not putting myself in that sort of situation. So yeah, that happened.

I'm gonna chill out for the rest of the night, maybe try and watch Big Brother, if I can.

Leaving loosely,

-- Jesse

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Writer's Retreat

| Now Playing: Out Loud by Gabbie Hanna |

I still taste your presence,
Once sweet but it turned sour.
Tried to shake your indifference,
But it's too late now.
I hear you in the quiet,
I see you when I'm in the dark.
You just couldn't fight for this,
But it's not your fault.

Say what you mean, out loud,
Drowning in silence, when I'm lost in the crowd.
'Cause every sweet thing you never speak,
Is deafening, never knowing what could be.
Wish I could show you how,
But you're just a ghost now.

Let's be real. I haven't really been listening to anything but ...Ready For It? since it came out the other night, but I fell in love with Gabbie Show's (It's literally so weird to type her real name, I always refer to her as Gabbie Show) song that she dropped. Plus, I love the idea that the song was constructed from her content from her upcoming book. That's such a cool concept. I might even have to look into reading Adultolescence. Back to the normal trash. I'm also writing this like I did the last blog, in installments during the actual day in which said events occurred.

Heading back to work after being off on Wednesday wasn't too bad. I still didn't want to go, because I just had a feeling that it was going to be one of those days. I suppose that's why I got up early enough to get myself some of that good good. By which I mean McDonald's breakfast. After jamming out to ...Ready For It? on a consistent loop, I headed into work. My first mistake. I was really feeling good, and ready to take on the day. But a couple of department managers called out, which is totally fine, but since we don't have other associates, i.e., people in the departments that can help out us DM's, to cover their areas when they are away. Which is why I knew it was going to be an interesting day. My third eye, per usge, proved victoriously clairvoyant. I was helping Morgan run back and forth to Sporting Goods all morning. Plus, there was something about the people today, Lord Jesus above, formerly of the Cross. I swear. There must have been irritation swimming in the air. But anyways. C'est la vie.

My ear was also super bothering me. Before the morning meeting, I literally had to clutch on to my cart to keep from losing both my balance and my consciousness. It's getting worse. So so much worse. I can only assume it's getting more and more exacerbated by the happenings at work, but I just don't know how much longer I'm going to have my hearing. And that simple fact, that actual possibility, scares the living shit out of me. I was thinking about it the other night, and it brought me to tears. That's something that could actually happen if I don't get this stress under control and this ear problem under control. I could lose my hearing.

Moving on, the customer I dealt with during Pick Up today? Nightmare. Total nightmare. Not to mention that it almost took me an entire hour to settle the thing. Let's just say that buying display TVs are a pain, especially when the markdown labels don't work. And then add that with a wandering customer, it's just a mess. But the day wasn't too bad overall, my ear was just really really bothering me. Like it really never has before. Normally, when it bothers me, it bothers me and then I pop it back into place, through painful procedures, and it's done. But today, it throbbed after I popped it back into place. Throbbed throughout the rest of the day. And while it wasn't extremely painful, but it was so uncomfortable, I couldn't focus. So that was weighing on my mind all day long. And, because I had the Trend Pod mods to set, I stayed until 5:30. Plus, I really needed to be able to see Skyler and give him proper direction. All in a days work, I suppose.

Right before I went on lunch, Taylor Swift dropped some videos that she did with AT&T. Thank God I switched a while ago. I'm so glad I have the service that she drops all this new and behind the scenes content haha. But they were pretty cute videos. Well, because of these videos, the Tix site for has changed. Now, you can watch both of the AT&T videos for a boost. Ten views per day. So I thought I was getting a bunch more boosts, since the lyric video and music video for LWYMMD can be viewed up to 20 times a day. But they scalped the views down to 10 views per day for each video, leaving the grand total of views for all four videos to 40, which was the amount total for the two videos before. I know I sound like a crazy person, being this obsessed with boosts and shit, but I just really want good seats to this tour. I have a feeling that this tour, this album is going to be the best thing ever for me, especially for bringing me through the darkest bit of my depression that's been forming like algae around my heart lately.

After getting all my boosts in, it was time for Big Brother. And since my TV is still fighting me over control, I found a great livestream of the episode. I missed Wednesday's episode, but the recap on tonight's episode caught me up. And girl, it was fucking intense. They blindsided Jason, and he was PISSED. Alex was PISSED. It was PISSED. And like, emotional, because Christmas and Josh were crying during the breaking tie vote, which I said to myself the other day would be the best way to vote, so kudos to me for being a Big Brother genius strategizer. Then, since it was Double Eviction night, they voted Raven out instead of Kevin! WHAT?! I was SHOCKED. I have no idea what's going to happen now. There's an eviction on both Wednesday and Thursday next week, and then it's the final. So I'm hoping for Christmas, Alex, and Paul. But if they don't blindside Paul, it's his, he has it. He's played such a smart, incredible, genius game all summer. I fucking love Big Brother.

And then there was Friday. My ear was still really bothering me, and it was making me feel like absolute garbage, so I ended up taking the day off. I really hated to do it, but I was so tired and my ear was just keeping me up all night. Anyways, if I was going to have the day off and not be at work, I was determined to make it worth it, by getting some writing done. So I got up, made a pot of coffee, and I got to work. And man, I'm so glad I did. I wrote a whopping twelve pages! It was all this flashback scene that I really didn't know how to get right, but just diving right in seemed to have worked the best. It's so good. This second book, on a content level, is just surpassing the first one, and I absolutely adore the first book haha. This one is just so much more laser focused and outright. It's all going according to plan.

After working on the book for about five hours or so, I proceeded to just chill and watch some Queer As Folk. I'm on Season 4 now, and admittedly almost done. All that's left is Season 5 and I'll feel the heartbroken blues yet again over finishing another series during a rewatch. And then once it was late enough in the day, I worked on my boosts for Also! They had a couple of items on "backorder" which I was like what the hell is that. But it's letting you have items that were sold out. And one of them was the Rep hat! So obviously, I splurged and got it because I'm Taylor Swift trash.

Other than that, the day has been pretty lax. It was Taylor's birthday (My cousin, not the acclaimed artist of my heart), and she was supposed to come over with Nikki around 8, but that ended up not happening. So maybe we'll end up doing something for her on Saturday.

I woke up today, and immediately worked on making today a repeat of yesterday on the writing front. Got my coffee, got my music, and got to work. I'm so damn proud of myself for the work I've gotten done on writing these past few days. 12 pages yesterday and another seven done today, it's been amazing. I'm just super proud of myself for getting so much done since I did miss work yesterday. I'm glad I'm making the most of my time. I even typed up everything that I got done yesterday too. I've been a busy little writing bee. It seems like almost all I've done since my last blog is write, and I'm so damn glad that's been my reality for the past few days. Writing has always been my sanctuary, so it's been nice to have a little retreat from reality and getting into what truly makes me happy, and that's writing.

I took a little break to go get gas, before we possibly get any of this Hurricane Irma weather and prices go up even higher. Even though gas is already at two and half dollars. After helping these sweet people at the pump who were having some trouble, I got my gas and headed back home. Then I was energized to get some more writing done. Then after dinner, I ended up typing up what I had done yesterday and then I've been working on my boosts for I'm probably just going to watch Queer As Folk for the rest of the night haha. One more day of this wonderful weekend left, and then it's back to reality (oop, there goes gravity). I plan on getting some more writing done tomorrow, so let's hope that dream comes to fruition.

Retreating to the sanctuary of writing,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Say Hello To Veronica Lodge

| Now Playing: ...Ready For It? by Taylor Swift |

Knew he was a killer,
First time that I saw him.
Wonder how many girls he had left and left haunted.
But if he's a ghost then,
I can be a phantom,
Holding him for ransom.
Some, some boys are trying too hard,
He don't try at all though.
Younger than my exes but he act like such a man so.
I see nothing better,
I keep him forever,
Like a vendetta.

I see how this is gon' go,
Touch me and you'll never be alone.
Island breeze and lights down low,
No one has to know.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams,
You should see the things we do, baby, mmm.
In the middle of the night, in my dreams,
I know I'm gonna be with you, so I take my time.
Are you ready for it?

Did you peep that song in the NP? That's right, Taylor dropped a new song, and I'm obsessed. This is literally a dream come true because not only is Taylor releasing new music for the first time in three years, but it really looks like she's going down a Dark Pop avenue. That's all I've ever wanted and more for Taylor, and it looks like that's what she's giving to me and I'm forever grateful for that. But enough about the Queen, let's get this blog underway. I'm trying something different on this one, because I felt like my blog's have been a little rushed lately, and I'm not really delving into what I've been feeling and everything. So, I'm going to write this blog post in installments, during the actual days that they happen so maybe I can accurately portray the picture I'm trying to convey. Alright, for real for real, on to the blog.

So after tuning into that horrendous football game Saturday night, and after freaking the fuck out that we were getting a new song, nothing happened. I don't know if I even mentioned it before, but it was randomly one night when the time stamp for "Track 1" showed up on iTunes, and it sat that way for a few days. And after Taylor liked that post from me, I was gone. G-O-N-E, gone, bitch. I was so excited, and I actually started messaging the girl who's post it was on Tumblr, and we sort of bonded and became friends, so that was nice. But there was no release of the song at midnight, or even an hour after, so I eventually fell asleep.

And then woke up to a massive shitstorm. I woke up, and the single had been out for just under an hour. I literally whipped my ass out of bed, got everything ready, and recorded my reaction to the track, now complete with an official name. The first track off of reputation is titled '...Ready For It?'. And here's my reaction to it for those interested.

As you can see, I was shooketh to the core. I was literally up for all of ten minutes before I was bopping my ass to this new track. The opening? Killed me. The verses? Revived me. The high notes and backing vocal? Killed me again. It's literally so good. AND THIS IS BASICALLY TAYLOR RAPPING LIKE WHAT? I can already see this being the opener for the Rep Tour, and hearing Taylor say 'Are you ready for it?' followed by that breaking synth swaying all over the arena. I can't fucking wait for it to happen. Also, my Target order didn't go through weirdly yesterday, so I reordered. And now, my albums purchased on is finally correct now with how many I've purchased. So that ended up being wonderful.

All I've done with this singular day off is a big, fat, nothing. It's become rapidly apparent that I need one day to, like, detox from the week, and then I can get everything I need to get done. That's what's been so great about having weekends off. But since this was my weekend to work, that's not going to happen. I'm off on Wednesday this week, so I'm hoping that can be my day to get some writing done. But all in due time. I basically just watched Queer As Folk and scrolled through Tumblr all day. My TV isn't working right, so I had to miss Big Brother, even after catching up on the live eviction I missed working the Star Wars event Thursday night. So I've just been working on my boosts for and watching Queer As Folk, which I finally started Season 3 of, for the past hours. I also took a little nap for I think two hours, it really disoriented me so I have no concept of when it happened and for how long, but yeah.

And then right before I went to bed, I decided to check my video, just to see if I had any comments. I love getting comments on my videos in general, but especially my reaction videos because it's literally me just being a mess and myself haha. Last time I checked it, like around the time I posted it, it was at like 300 views, which is CRAZY. Like that's so cool. So imagine my shock and surprise when I pull up my channel and I see that my reaction to ...Ready For It? is at an unimagined FIVE THOUSAND VIEWS. I literally was laying in bed, staring at my screen this a glitch? No way there's five thousand people that have watched my video. But after refreshing it and everything, the thing was already almost at six thousand. LIKE WHAT?? Never in my wildest dreams (trademark, Taylor Swift) would I imagine gaining that many views over my silly self. But I'm SUPER grateful that people are liking my reaction. And there were so many comments! So, of course, I had to reply to all of them, it's the least I could do.

By morning, I was really thinking about taking a mental health day again, when weighing the thought of going into work. I just can't help feeling that way anymore. I love my job, and love having it, but I just really need to talk to Sean. So anyway, I headed to work, stopped and got some Hardee's because #TeamFat and #TrashFam. And as I was eating my breakfast, I decided to check my video again. I messaged Benzo about it the night before, but I knew she was asleep. So as I'm checking it, she texts me and is like ARE YOU FAMOUS which is hilarious because it's a little overwhelming knowing that many people have seen me acting like a literal fool on the internet, but like I've said, it's literally just me being myself, so oh well. But then she's like YOU'RE AT NINE THOUSAND NOW. I about choked on my biscuit. Sure enough, I was at nine thousand and counting. THAT'S LITERALLY SO CRAZY TO ME. This is super doubtful, but if anyone who reads this (lol) has watched the video, thank you. I'm so overwhelmed and excited by this fact.

So work was pretty normal, I guess "Thanks I guess". I didn't have a lot of freight, but Dwayne instantly was like "Can you do Zack's?" because he wasn't there. And I instantly was just annoyed. Not because I mind helping, but because this is the issue. There's too much freight and not enough people. And even after I managed to get all my freight ran, while helping customers and fellow DM's alike, I moved on over to help out Wendy with all of her freight. I don't know what's been going on with Housewares getting so much ungodly freight, but something needs to be done about it, seriously. I was over there the entire rest of my shift. Literally until it was time for me to take my cart back and everything. And there was still live freight when we left. Yeah. Something seriously needs to be done about it because I'm at the point where I'm Squidward about it. I see it, but do I really have interest in helping?

Literally, that's me. Anyway. I was going to work on my boosts for with the rest of my evening, but I really didn't feel like staying up until 10pm, just doing boosts. So I decided that I'll regroup Tamar Braxt when I can get them in earlier. So I just decided to lounge around and watch Queer As Folk. And as of 10pm as I'm updating this, my video for ...Ready For It? has hit 11,000 VIEWS!! WHAT THE FUCK. It's so exciting. I can't wait to be reacting to Superfruit's album and Shania Twain's album when they come out later this month. AND Demi's new album, Tell Me You Love Me, comes out the same day as Shania's!? How am I going to deal with both albums dropping the same day!? September 29th about to be real busy for ya girl.

Also, it randomly hit me while working that I really want to dye my hair. I'm feeling hella empowered by all this new music Taylor Swift is putting out, and I just need new hair the reflects me being the baddest bitch in the game. So that's going to happen. Peep that photo, but I'll get to that here in a little bit.

Yesterday wasn't too bad at all, in terms of work. I even got to stay in routine, in a manner of speaking. I woke up, and it was really hard getting up for the day. I don't know why, but both yesterday and Monday, I've had such a hard time willing myself to get up. I don't know if it's me being over what's been regularly happening at work or not, but I'm not about it. Anyway, I checked my video before I left for work, and my video was already surpassed 12K! It's still so crazy to me that that's continuing to be a thing. More comments have been coming in, and I've been replying to them all, per usge. It's just so great that people are loving my reaction. And this one viewer, commented on my LWYMMD reaction, and followed me on Twitter. Then tweeted a selection of my reaction and that got over 100 retweets. LITERALLY WHAT IS HAPPENING. It's so crazy, but I love it and I'm grateful.

Like I said, work wasn't too bad. It was pretty much routine, with a couple wrenches thrown in the plan. But for the most part, I got to go about my day without too much delay. And once my check went in, the one with our bonus on it, thank God, I decided that I was going to get my hair color and also but some Beats on layaway. And I even got a great deal on them anyway, because they were cheaper online. And with my discount factored in, it was like 200 bucks for these 350 dollar headphones. So ya girl was excited for that.

I headed home, finally, after it taking a while to deal with my layaway thing and purchasing my hair color. Had some dinner, and I decided to wait a little bit to dye my hair. Why? Because I really needed to get my boosts in on I know, I'm Taylor Swift trash, but that's already been established. Anyway, I did that while scrolling on Tumblr, and then I went ahead and preordered the album from And then I was gonna go ahead and preorder that Rep hat, but it's sold out. Not only that, but almost EVERYTHING on the store is sold out. Like WHAT?! People must be really wanting their boosts and therefore their tickets. But I got the album cover t-shirt in my size before it sold out too.

Then I made the process of trying to cut my hair, but that didn't happen because the clippers that my grandparents have are better than mine, but they only have two attachments, and ya home girl really doesn't know how to use them. So I decided to get it cut later, since our hair place was closed today at work for reasons of unknown origin. Anyway, coloring my hair was a process. Especially in the bathroom here because it's always so damn hot in there. But I got it done. It's so black. I was going to post a picture of what it looked like once I dyed it, but I decided to wait until I get it cut too and it looks exactly like how I want it. Then I waited around until American Horror Story came on. Cult is gonna be fucked. It really messed me up. Then it was time for Queer As Folk and bed.

I didn't get to do any writing today, something I'm pretty bummed about. But this week hasn't been too bad and I'm just trying to cut myself a break. August was pretty rough for me, so I'm cutting myself the slack I feel like I owe myself. But I did get some things done today. After dyeing my hair last night, I knew that once I got up, I needed to head somewhere and get my hair cut because it's in such dire need. So I settled on just going to the Valley View Walmart to get it cut because there was no chance I was going to my store to get it done, plus, with them being randomly closed yesterday, there was no guarantee that they'd be open anyways. After doing some shopping and actually finding my first ever Simpsons t-shirt (I would have gotten the other one too, but they didn't have one in size fat), I headed over to the hair cutting place. She actually did a bomb job, and with my new Vantablack look, it looks fucking incredible. All I can think about is Veronica Lodge, the Riverdale iteration, because she's my queen. So here's a picture of the new Veronica Lodge.

I really like the way I look with black hair for some reason. I mean, I've dyed my hair black before, but this feels right? It's really hard to explain, but yeah. I'm obsessed with it. I feel like I'm so fucking ready for Rep Tour with black hair now haha. Anyways, after I left Valley View, I headed home. And got to work on cleaning my room and car, and getting my much needed laundry done. Luckily, I got the trash out of my room and car fairly quickly, and pushed forward to get my laundry done. Then, I literally just relaxed the rest of the day today. I really was thinking about taking a mental health day for tomorrow, but I guess I won't. I really want to, and feel like I could benefit from it. But I need the money, even with the great bonus we got on this check that I got on Tuesday. I don't think I mentioned but I also ordered a new phone case? Like I love the one I got, but it still gets dust and dirt underneath this supposed protective barrier. Anyway, the new case shipped out today, so that's great. Another thing that hasn't been working? My TV. It was working fine when I flipped it to that football game that Taylor made me watch, but ever since then, the remote won't change the channel. I've tried everything, but I've missed Big Brother because of it. I've caught up thanks to the internet, but still, it's pretty annoying.

Also, my reaction video of ...Ready For It? is at 13.9K views as we speak. LITERALLY CRAZY.

I really, really hope that since I talked to Shanan and I'm getting this weekend off like I'm really supposed to, despite what the schedule says, that I can get some writing done this weekend. I feel like it's been so long since I've written, and I always get a little stir crazy when I haven't gotten any material covered in a while. I'm just going to sink into bed and lose myself in some Queer As Folk and try to drown the heart heavy thoughts when thinking about getting up early for work tomorrow. I just want things to change. And hopefully, when Sean gets back from vacation, they can. Until then, Veronica Lodge incarnate can extinguish the fire.

Specializing in ice,

-- Jesse

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Totes Masc, Bro

| Now Playing: I Like Me Better by Lauv |

To be young and in love in New York City,
To not know who I am, but still know that I'm good,
As long as you're here with me.
To be drunk and in love in New York City,
Midnight into morning coffee,
Burning through the hours talking.

I like me better when I'm with you,
I like me better when I'm with you.
I knew from the first time,
I'd stay for a long time 'cause.
I like me better when,
I like me better when I'm with you.

Okay, so, currently? I'm fucked up. But I'll get to that because literally something could happen at any given minute and, because I'm Taylor Swift t r a s h, I'm liable to combust at the first sight of movement.

The past couple days haven't been too bad, albeit they still didn't go according to plan. I STILL haven't gotten the chance to talk to Sean about what I've been dealing with lately, and it's no one's fault. It's just bad timing, crazy timing. And I understand that. It's just frustrating when I'm going through this stuff, and I know that something could possibly be done about it, and nothing's going forward simply because we can't even have the initial conversation. It's rough, but I'll be alright. Sean's on vacation for the next week, so that'll delay it even more. It sucks, but like I said, I'll be alright.

Working the weird hours that I did on Thursday was just that: weird. It felt weird to get to sleep in, even if it was just until ten o'clock. With how hard it's been for me to sleep and feel rested lately, I'll take whatever sleep I can these days. I wanted to get some writing done while I waited to go in at 4pm, but I didn't. I was just too anxious, I guess, from going in at work. I've never worked a midnight Toys event, or a midnight Walmart event in general, so I wasn't sure exactly what to expect. But all I did before work was watch Queer As Folk and stay in bed. All in all, a good way to spend ones' time. The event wasn't bad. I got everything straightened up and ready for the Star Wars train by moving features and all that jazz.

SOMETHING HAPPENED. TAYLOR SWIFT JUST LIKED A POST FROM ME ON TUMBLR. Literally what is my life? I'm on here complaining and shit and TAYLOR, SWEET SWEET TAYLOR LIKES A POST FROM ME??? It wasn't my post but the fact that she liked it from ME means I'm for sure on her Tumblr dashboard. I know she follows me and has liked an actual post of when the Out Of The Woods video dropped but I'M SO FUCKED UP?????????

Okay, I'm going to try and salvage this trash blog post by continuing. Aside from one customer, the Force Friday event was fine. She told me I could have opened the Star Wars train early, even though I opened it right at midnight, but ya know. Okay, so then Friday, nothing much happened. I was helping Morgan a lot throughout the day with display TV's and things of that nature. I also didn't come in until 9am because I was there until almost 2am. It was weird. I didn't sleep much, but I got to leave at 4:30 on Friday, so all was well.

I really didn't want to go to work today, because ya know. But I did. And even though there was a bunch of freight, mostly belonging to other departments, it was a pretty good day. I had Amber there with me so it was even better. We worked Wendy's freight almost all day long. As in until about 3 o'clock. Yeah. It was a lot. It's just crazy how much things have changed at work lately. I mean, just look at Kelly? Gone. It's just absolutely insane.

So then today. I came home and started watching Queer As Folk and upping my boosts on because I just wanted to relax. And then, as I'm still doing both of the aforementioned activities, Taylor puts on her Instagram story something about watching the football game tonight at 8 on ABC with the hashtag #ReadyForIt? LIKE NO TAYLOR, I'M STILL NOT OVER LWYMMD GIRL. So at approximately 8:13, a promo for the game comes on featuring what is a snippet of A NEW SONG FROM TAYLOR. There's no official name of it yet, but we're hoping it drops at midnight, in which case, I'll film my reaction to it in full. The snippet is a minute long and it's SO GOOD. "Are you ready for it?" is the presumed title and it's more DARK POP bitch I'M DONE! Also she dropped new merch with "...ready for it?" on, and you know that this ts trash can already bought it. I'm a fucking mess. I'm going to try to stay glued together from Taylor liking that post from me and make it until midnight. I'm so not ready.

Also shout out to Lauv for making his way on the NP. I've still been listening to Look What You Made Me Do like non-stop, but I've had this song on my phone for a while now and revisited it the other night while in bed and I was just grooving so hard because it's so good. I've been alternating between I Like Me Better and Look What You Made Me Do the past couple days on the way to work. And shout out to Pike for the nod to the title. They have a video titled that, and I've been saying it a lot lately. I said it while I walked past some basketball shorts today at work because I love basketball shorts. I also posted the title about Taylor Swift getting me to watch a football game haha. Only Taylor could turn me into a sporty spice.

Masculine and trash for Taylor Swift,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

You're All Gonna Watch Me Disappear Into The Sun

SURPRISE! There's not a song featured in the Now Playing in this blog because, let's be honest, I haven't been listening to ANYTHING but Look What You Made Me Do. So, instead of listing that twice and being even more obnoxious, we'll just skip the NP for this post. But huge shout out to Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol for getting me through a really rough day yesterday. I'll go ahead and title this blog after Lorde's Liability, only because there's a line in it that's really resonating with me all of the sudden. I was going to name it after Dancing With Myself, but that really just doesn't represent what the past few days have been like. Anyways, on to the blog.

So I think I've sort of started a trend here lately, and that's I actually get some writing done on Sundays #ScribingSundays. I woke up, got my coffee ready, and I got into the gig, henny. Of course, per usge, I turned on Lorde's Melodrama and away I went. I only wrote, like, the opening scene of the first chapter of chapter six, but hey, writing is writing. I also started watching, or in this case, I guess it would be rewatching, videos of PK and Mike, a lovely gay couple on YouTube, and I've been literally obsessed. It's a good thing too, because it's literally been one of the few things, aside from the gift that keeps on giving that is Taylor Swift, that's gotten me through most of this work week, so I've been super thankful for them this week. All I really did after finishing with said writing was watching Pike. PK and Mike are literally the cutest ever and I think I just needing some lightheartedness, the exact opposite of what my life, at least my work life, as become. It was a pretty wonderful way to spend the day.

And then, yet again, the Monday mourning came. I can't really explain it. I was fine before I went to sleep, even thinking about going to work, I was A-Okay. But then I woke up and just instantly felt depressed. I feel like this would be so much more easily dealt with if this was an overall feeling, in a way. Like if I felt depressed ALL the time. I don't. It's only when taking in the stress from work and mulling it over in my once auraclear heart. Only now my heart has a vantablack shell. I just, I don't know. The stress just keeps getting to me and getting to me and turning my blood into kerosene and work is flicking the lighter over my skin. It's just too much. It wasn't that it was a bad day or anything, just a day of self-internalizing and an inner monologue filled with stressful scenarios. And once I was home? I was fine. That's what's so bizarre to me. As soon as I leave, or even after I clock out, it's like I'm suddenly able to mentally check myself out of there and I'm fine. Giddy, happy, and just all around the normal me when I'm at home. It's one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced.

The next day at work was pretty bad. I thought waking up for work on Monday was bad, but it turns out, that mourning had absolutely nothing on the muck that Tuesday had conjured up. I almost called out of work. It was that bad. I felt horrible on the inside. deeply broken and depressed at the thought of going in. I know that makes no sense, my job isn't that crazy, but the stress I guess has leaked its flammable fuel into my veins and that's what's so irritating. It's like, I want to rise above it all and be okay, but when I'm at work, I'm just not okay.

Alright, enough of that. I'm not at work and therefore I'm not feeling that way, so I'm about over talking about it. Hopefully soon I'll be beyond it all and I'll be able to actually have to time to talk to Sean about everything. We actually had a meeting set up for today, but chaos ensued, so that's been delayed, yet again. Who knows when it'll happen, but it didn't today because of the Star Wars thing happening Friday. Force Friday. Then new toys for Episode 8 are coming out, and I'm actually working 4pm to 1am tomorrow. Which will be weird, but I'm ready for it. Whenever my schedule gets shaked up like that, I have less on my mind, and I have as better day. So I'm looking forward to that part. Having to shift the entire action figure aisle mod today though? Not fun. I was supposed to get off at 3 and didn't leave until right at 5:30. So that's how that went.

Ever since I came home Monday from work, I've been immediately coming home and turning on Pike and watching the LWYMMD Video and Lyric Video to gain my 40 views per day on to up my priority rating haha. I know, I know. I'm Taylor Swift trash and a total mess, but that's what I do for my home girl. Her releasing Look What You Made Me Do, announcing this album, has literally made my year. And I truly mean that. She's given me something to look forward to, something to be completely content and 100% happy about, now more than ever. I couldn't thank her enough for that. I've officially learned all the words to LWYMMD, and it's everything. But bitch when that video premiered at the VMAS Sunday? I LOST IT. The video is absolutely insane. It's perfect. She addressed everything the media has EVER said about her. If I can, I'll link it below, but ya know. It's broken so many records, I couldn't possibly, Jack. She beat the Vevo record for 24 hours AND beat the world record for most viewed video on YouTube EVER. MY QUEEN IS THE QUEEN TO END ALL FAVES. I love her so much. See? This excitement? I'm so thankful for it.

I'm gonna cut this short. I've caught up all rewatching all the Pike videos. I might just start it up again. I'm still watching Queer As Folk at night, and I'm just going to watch it now and just chill. I'm really needing some chill time.

Disappearing into the sun to never be seen again,

-- Jesse

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Hiss Hiss, Bitch

| Now Playing: Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift |

I don't like your little games,
Don't like your tilted stage.
The role you made me play,
Of the fool, no I don't like you.
I don't like your perfect crime,
How you laugh when you lie.
You said the gun was mine,
Isn't cool, no I don't like you.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time,
Honey I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.
I got a list of names and yours is in red underlined.
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Oh, look what you made me do,
Look what you made me do.
Look what you just made me do,
Look what you just made me do.
Oh, look at what you made me do,
Look what you made me do.
Look what you just made me do,
Look what you just made me do.

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me,
I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams.
I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now.
Why? Oh, 'cause she's dead!

Wow. Literally wow. This has been an incredible few days since my last blog post, mainly because of the gracious angel that is Taylor Alison Swift. But before I even get into that, I literally almost forgot to post this blog haha. Literally, I was laying in bed, doing a massive binge of PK and Mike videos, and I looked at the time randomly and it just hit me all of the sudden that it was Saturday, and that it was almost ready to turn into Sunday. Oopsie Daisy. Anyway, lego my eggo.

So in my last blog I talked about it being my last day at Academy for work, and I was glad to be done with all the learning and testing, but I just wasn't ready to go back to my store. It's no secret that it's been more than a little rough on me lately, and I've been dealing with some pretty dark feelings as of late, but it actually turned out to be really great. So this week, we're doing all these events to raise money for CMN, and Wendy and I missed the Pie In The Face event, where all of upper management gets pied in the face with every donation, because we were at Academy, but we came back just in time for the Dunk Tank on Thursday. Work was alright enough to accommodate the Dunk Tank event, thankfully. I actually ended up going with Cheryl to go get the thing because I'm pretty much known as the Mighty Muscle around the store because I'm totes masc so that was fun. Then the entire day was spent dunking all of the managers. And ya girl right here was literally the MVP of the day. By the time it got to Kelly, I was throwing some serious heat, and got her about thirty times. It was a pretty cool way to come back to the store, and alleviated a lot of my feelings. I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to Sean, but all in due time.

And it was no secret, because I was shouting it from the rooftops and literally telling everyone that I knew, that Taylor was dropping a new single on Thursday night, and a bitch was hype. I literally came home from work and tried to get a nap in because I knew Taylor was about to fuck me the fuck up and I was staying up until midnight to listen to it since I still had to work in the morning (Especially since I couldn't cut any of my overtime, but more on that in a sec). I woke up around 8:30 (Actually, I was woken up but *insert hands up face emoji*) and took a shower, put on my Taylor Swift 1989 Tour shirt and a bitch got ready for the release. It was a lot of patiently/impatiently waiting, but holy fucking shit was it worth the wait. It was so worth the three years of waiting.

So everyone assumed that the single, which STILL had no name or anything, was going to drop early, because iTunes has a tendency of doing just that. 1989 I think came out at like 10:50 or something back when it came out, but that was not the case with the new single. There were so many rumors on the name of it, from Timeless, which was going around since she dropped the trio of snake videos, to About To Explode, and it was also mentioned that it might be eight minutes and forty seconds long, but none of that ended up happening. About thirty minutes before midnight, and about ten minutes before the song officially came out, Beats 1 tweeted a picture that listed Taylor's new single as 'Look What You Made Me Do' and the Swifties were FLIPPING. But Taylor's tweet came through on my phone at around 10:40, and it was legit. The first single was out, and it was indeed called Look What You Made Me Do.

In true "I just started a YouTube channel, and I crave exposure" fashion, I recorded my reaction of LWYMMD. I'll insert it here so anyone who wants to see how much of a mess I am can leave me a comment telling me what I already know.

So that happened. I didn't really say much in this reaction as I did in my reaction to Kesha's Rainbow album, but that's because I was shooketh to the core, sis. Like, I can't even wrap my head around that we even got a new single, let alone that it's like, a living, breathing, entity existing in the world. It's so good. It's so fucking good. I have a tendency of overplaying the shit out of her lead singles, not gonna lie. I played the shit out of both Shake It Off and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together when they first came out, and I eventually not only got tired of them, but they also became some of my least favorite Taylor songs, mostly because of that. I really don't want that to happen to LWYMMD, but I don't think it will. The song is exactly what I've been wanting. I can't tell you how much I've told people that I just want Dark Pop from Taylor, dark themes, dark beats, and just some darkness. Look What You Made Me Do gives me that shit on every level, and that's why it's my favorite lead single from her, and also why I don't think I'm going to tire of it anytime soon.

Work on Friday was good, too. It was Dunk Tank Day Two, so that was even better. I got to dunk Sean, even though we didn't get to talk, except for how much overtime I had and that I had to leave at 11:15. Yeah. 11:15. I left work at 11:15. I decided to head down and surprise Benzo at her workplace, and after waiting for her for a little while, she finally came back from Rocky Mount and we shared some lunch at Sonic (FUCK those mozzarella sticks were bomb af) and it was fun to catch up. I also stopped by at surprised Mom at her new LPN job and we got to do some catching up. That was all fun and games.

I came home and literally chillaxed for the rest of the day Friday. I can't even really remember what all I did, besides uploading my LWYMMD reaction. Oh, the tickets thing. So Taylor is doing something different this time around with tour, and it comes in the form of Ticketmaster. You have to sign up through the website, to get exclusive access to tickets. You pick a location, and confirm your account, and then you start doing certain activities to gain "boosts" which move up your place in line and your priority rating. It's really weird, but ya girl is determined to get really good fucking seats on the reputation tour after how subpar my seats were for 1989 tour. I have to be there, we're about to get our bonus, and I'll have the money. Some of the boost activities require money though, like preordering albums and buying merch. So I bought literally the least expensive item on the store, which was a pop socket for my phone. So that happened. I preordered the album on iTunes, and then today I ordered the magazine versions from Target. 72 page magazine with handwritten lyrics and POETRY FROM TAYLOR?? Sign me the fuck up. But yeah. So my priority rating right now is high, but I'm worried about it dropping. That's the downside to this new thing, I suppose.

And today, I've just been the epitome of Lays Potato Chips. I was planning on writing some, but I wasn't feeling it. I needed another day of detox I guess, because I haven't done much besides spend more money on upping my priority rating on I've also watched a shit ton of YouTube today, because I've just really needed a relaxing day. Oh, I also got the phone case I ordered on Tuesday! It's supes cute, blue, and is basically like the cheaper sister of the LifeProof cases and I live. The only downside? It covers up the speakers on the bottom, and the receiver for calls, which is weird because this is specifically made for iPhone 7 Plus, and it doesn't accommodate those features. But it's amazing. I love it. It'll look even better once I get my reputation pop socket. Anyway, I've fallen back into PK and Mike's videos, which I haven't watched in literally over a year, and I'm going back to the beginning and watching them all. I love to live vicariously through the lives of strangers. Even though I swear Mike looks so familiar, maybe it's just because he's from Virginia, but who can never be sure.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping I can actually get some writing done. But we shall see. And here's hoping I can actually enter my damn album preorder info into and get my extra boosts bitch. And let's just have a massive round of applause for Taylor Swift for having the most perfect, dark, intense clapback song of the year. 2017 is officially saved.

Hissing at the haters,

-- Jesse

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


| Now Playing: Supercut by Lorde |

'Cause in my head,
In my head I do every right.
When you call,
When you call I forgive and not right.
Because ours are the moments I play in the dark,
We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart.

In your car, the radio up.
In your car, the radio up.
We keep trying to talk about us,
I'm someone you maybe might love.
I'll be your quiet afternoon crush,
Be your violent overnight rush,
Make you crazy over my touch.

But it's just a supercut of us, supercut of us.
Oh it's just a supercut of us, supercut of us.

BITCH. Okay, so let's get into this gig henny, because so much has happened in almost every way since my last blog that for every bit of that one that was short? This one will be twice as long. I want to start off first by saying that the only reason that Lorde is in the NP (I know, for, like, the third or fourth time) is because Taylor Swift's single hasn't dropped yet. I'll get into more on Taylor Swift and her mic drop shenanigans in a second, but I've just been so obsessed with Lorde and mainly Melodrama lately. As I've previously stated, it's the soundtrack to my second book, that I'm currently working on, and so whenever I'm writing, I put on Melodrama. So even when I'm not writing, like driving on the way too and from work, it's Melodrama that I'm listening to, and Supercut has been the latest to join restless brain. Now that that's out of the way, let's kick this shit into overdrive because ya girl has a lot to cover and tonight's Big Brother night, so mama's on a time crunch.

So on my last blog, I talked about how on my day off on Saturday, I didn't really do a whole lot because it had been a pretty emotionally draining week and I just need a day to be Lays Potato Chips. But that was not the case with my second day off. Sunday was full-speed ahead on getting some work done, and by work, I mean writing. I downed two (honestly, bases on ounces, it's probably four) cups of coffee, and ya reigning ketchup kween was swerving for all ya nerve. I had it in my mind to finally finish chapter five of Book Two that day AND get the entiery of chapter five typed up in Scrivener. And that's exactly what I accomplished. It took my all day, literally a minimum of eight hours, if not more, but it happened. And I was super proud of myself because not only did I reach that personally set goal, but the content bitch. If anyone (as if anyone reads this haha) has read my first book (or that either), this second one is on a whole other level. I don't know what kind of shit I'm on, but it's that good good because this book is churning out some hyperactive soul-sloshing excellence. Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot motherfucker.

I'll try to stop cussing so much, but literally me. Anyways, then we move on to the start of the work week, which, let's be honest, work wasn't great because work really isn't ever great anymore, but I pushed through because of Taylor Swift. Monday was the day of the solar eclipse, and after Taylor had wiped all of her social media on Friday, and left it blank over the whole weekend, the entire Swiftie fandom was S H O O K E T H. Like the struggle was so real, it was on a fishing line (I realize how week of a joke that was, but literally give me a break, I'm still reeling from the news of Taylor's today). And there were so many rumors going around, I can't even begin to type them all out because Lays Potato Chips: The In-Between-quell, but the main rumor was was that Taylor was going to drop a brand new single on our ass Monday.

Okay, so let's set the scene. I'm minding my business, doing my job, it's a little bit after eleven, and I just casually check at my phone. Now, for anyone reading this (lol) that doesn't know, I'm a massive Taylor Swift fan, and that's putting it so mild, salsa is quaking for her position. Taylor follows me on Tumblr (Two years later, and I still can't believe it), and I have notifications set up for when she posts on Tumblr, as well as Twitter. So back to the scene, I casually pick up my phone and see a video was posted on both her Tumblr and Twitter pages. I. Blacked. Out. I remember clutching my chest, my breath hitchhiked across the globe, and I finally got the courage to click on the notifications once my breath made it's round trip back to my lungs. This bitch, with no caption, uploads a ten second, silent video of what appears to be some type of reptile's tail.


LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I was so perplexed. Everyone was saying it had to do something about the Kimye comments about Taylor being a snake, which, by now, it's pretty much confirmed that that's what Taylor's referencing by posting her multiple videos (More on those in a sec). I'll post the videos so anyone (me) can view them. Anyway, so that happened while I was at work and I was completely FREAKING OUT. Like, it's been three years since Taylor Swift put out music, almost like two years since we've heard much from her, a year since we've really seen her out in public, and she wipes her media over the weekend and then posts a video of a snake / some type of reptile tail on Monday? Literally crazy. So that's all us Swifties had. Was the video, which half were saying was a snake and half were saying was a dragon, and rumors. That's all we had. So with the video live and all over the world, the rumor is that the single is going to drop around the time of the eclipse. This was largely do to Joseph Kahn, her director from the Blank Space and Wildest Dreams videos, but, since Joseph Kahn is literally the biggest troll in the fandom, that didn't happen. And if you look closely, there's a five on the tail. Most of us were hoping for a livestream at 5, but that didn't happen. Then it became clear that it meant five days. Friday. A new single on Friday. HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE.

I actually got to witness the eclipse, and I'm really glad I got to experience it. I can't deny that I was a little let down, because even though here in Salem were weren't expecting but 90% totality, I was just expecting for it to get a little bit darker than it did. There's been less light in the sky right before a thunderstorm, but it was still really cool to witness that glowing fingernail in the sky haha. A bunch of us made sure to get to see the eclipse during the beginning and peak times of it, and I'm just glad that I have that story to tell. Like I said during the eclipse, I was waiting for Stone Age medieval darkness.

Yesterday was my first day of Academy. Both Wendy and I were headed to Academy this week, and needless to say, with how much pressure everyone has put on it, we were dreading it a little bit. Me? I was a little ready to get out of my home store for two days, I'm not even trying to lie. And it was refreshing, I'm not ready to go back tomorrow to what I can only assume will be a shitstorm, but I'll get to that later as well. So I get up my normal time, no single from Taylor has dropped overnight, so all is well. I head to the store, meet up with Wendy, we clock in, and then head to Academy over at Valley View. It honestly wasn't too bad. Just a lot to take in and try to retain. Luckily, we could take notes and new that the test we would take today would be open book. So that helped. But it's still nerve racking when you're told you could be demoted if you don't pass it. Like I said, they super hyped up the pressure, and for no reason.

So then, at the same time as yesterday, 11AM, Taylor drops another video on Tumblr and Twitter, and being in class, I couldn't whip out my phone and view it. I felt the vibrate at around 11, and I knew. I just knew. Call it my Swiftie Sense, but ya girl was Raven Symone. *To the tune of "It's the future I can see"* It's the Swiftie Sense in me. I'm a mess, I know. But anyway. This time, the video looks more like snakes, a tangle of them of sorts, and this video is also silent, but 20 seconds long.


What the FUUUUUUCK, right? Like what the hell is going on? It's one thing to post these things, but with no context or caption? It was driving us CRAZY. After looking on Tumblr, some crazy good detective ass Swifties discovered that not only were these images indeed of a snake, but also said that it was a certain type of snake. A bush viper. And after looking it up, there's no doubt. It's definitely that. But today's video really confirmed that, but before I get into that, I have to get into the crazy religious woman that made me super uncomfortable at lunch yesterday.

So Valley View has a Burger King in their store, in the same vein that our store has a Subway. Okay, so that's what Wendy and I decided that we were going to have for lunch that day. So we're in line, and Wendy has to take a phone call, so it's just me waiting for my food to be done (Their broiler was down, so only foods they had were ones that used the fryer. No skin off my ass because chicken nuggets) and this lady comes up and orders. She's white, rude, and entitled. Literally the worst. Of course, she was an older lady, and asked for something a dollar, then proceeded to get rude with the wonderful African-American angel behind the counter because she didn't account for the additional charge of tomato. Gets so fucking hateful with this wonderful cashier, and you can tell she just doesn't like anyone who isn't like her, white and a bitch, and is just overall the worst human being on the planet. After all that, this white bitch turns to me and says something, and I can't quite hear her. She's all smile and repeats saying, "Jesus loves you." Ya girl ain't religious, so I instantly felt uncomfortable. Religion just really makes me uncomfortable, given my sexuality and my past, so it's just scary for me. I brushed it off, said thank you, and this woman is just giddy. "He wanted me to say he loves you, and he died for your sins." My first thought was why weren't you treating this wonderful woman behind the counter like your treating me right now? It's clear why, and it just set me off. "Why aren't you treating her this way?" At this point, I just give her a rude look, and look away. Have I mentioned that I hate people?

The rest of Academy was fine, it's no big. Just a lot to try and retain, like I've said. I couldn't really sleep that night because 1. the excitement of whatever the hell Taylor Alison Swift has up her sleeve and 2. because I didn't get home until really late. We left our store at about quarter till six, and I didn't get home until almost 7 because of a wreck on the interstate. So I was super tired, and hungry, by the time I got home and by the time I finished and was starting to wind down, it was already ten o'clock. I tried to let Queer As Folk, which I'm still making my way (downtown, walking fast, faces past and I'm homebound) through, but my leg was also bothering me, and sleep just didn't come easy.

It was time to do it all over again this morning. Day 2 of Academy, and also Day 3 of expecting another snake video from Taylor. All of us expected for there to be four days of these cryptic vids, but we got way more than we expected today. Like, way more. So I head to the store, meet up with Wendy again, clock in again, and head over to Academy again. We were both a little nervous because of the test, but it turned out alright. Okay, so then I'm sitting there in class, really trying to soak this information in, and my phone buzzes at around 10:30. I think it's a little earlier for Taylor, considering how on point she was the past two days, but I have a feeling, and dare a glance at my pocket and reach for my phone. Another snake video from Taylor. FUCK. This one was again silent, again ten seconds long, but showed the face of the snake, this time undeniably a bush viper, that attacked the camera, and looked pissed off as hell. No explanation, no caption.


TAYLOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?? But wait, bitch. There's more. So lunch time happens, and Wendy and I are back at it again with the BK and we're sitting down, talking, whathaveyou. And I get a notification. Taylor. Again. Twice in the same day? I couldn't possibly, Jack. But twasn't a dream. Twas real. And this bitch, that's when she really got ya girl fucked up, and I mean really, really F U C K E D  U P. Not only did certified angel, Taylor Alison Swift, drop an image saying that we were getting a new single tomorrow night / Friday morning. BUT SHE ANNOUNCED THE NAME OF HER NEW ALBUM, THE ALBUM COVER, AND THE ALBUM RELEASE DATE BITCH.


I'm not even sorry for my freak out. This is literally my favorite artist, and I'm so fucking excited, I don't know what to do. Taylor is releasing new music for the first time in three year. Her album title (We still don't know the name of the single we're getting tomorrow, though it's been rumored to be the timeless title that's been floating around since Monday) I love. I love that title of reputation. That's what's been dragged through the mud these past couple years, is Taylor's reputation. With Kimye, and the dating rumors, Calvin, Hiddleswift, the new guy who's name I didn't bother to learn, and the trail, she's been really criticized and she's had ENOUGH. I'm of the small minority that hope the lead single is something like Bite or Venom, or some hardcore shit like that because it would be amazing. The song WILL BE my next obsession, and definitely in the next blog's NP. Should I film a reaction? I might film a reaction of it tomorrow night, but Taylor's music is so special to me, I don't know haha. I kind of want that to be just between me and her if that makes sense? Either way, I'm so ready and not ready at the same time.

I passed the test at the Academy with a 95. I really was striving for a 100, but I digress. I'm home now, after more traffic from the interstate, I've eaten, and I'm still freaking the fuck out from Taylor's announcement. I'm going to try to calm down and watch Big Brother, but BITCH. I can't. Taylor Swift's just owns my ass.

Reminding you to buy Taylor Swift's sixth studio album, Reputation, on November 10th,

-- Jesse