There's glitter on the floor after the party,
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby.
Candlewax and polaroids on the hardwood floor,
You and me from the night before, but.
Don't read, the last page
But I stay, when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away.
I want, your midnights,
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.
You squeeze me hands three times in the back of the taxi,
I can tell that it's gonna be a long road.
I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe,
Or if you strike out and you're crawling home.
Don't read, the last page
But I stay, when it's hard or it's wrong or you're making mistakes.
I want, your midnights,
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.
Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
And I will hold on to you.
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This blog is going to be a little different. Actually, it's going to be a lot different, I think from here on out, actually. I don't want to "recap" my days anymore. Honestly, they're just full of rage from work, and that's just not what I'm about. Or rather, it's not what I want to be about anymore. I want this to be a stream of raw consciousness, from me to the reader. Sure, this is about me I guess, since it is my blog and all, but I'm sort of over this whole "Here's what I did on Monday, here's what I did on Tuesday" motif that I've sort of been reveling in since I starting blogging again, and definitely since this blog started. When it first started, this was just a place to house my feelings, not a daily reel on what I did throughout my day. I'm still going to have a 'Now Playing' in every blog, because I love music, and I want to share the music I'm listening to, even if it's just so a future version of myself can look back and say "Hey! I remember that song! I remember how I felt when I was really zoned in on that song.". I just want to get back to blogging, I guess. Sharing my feelings. Sharing the struggles. Just not recapping. I'm sorry, recapping can't come to the phone right now. Why? Because she's dead. (You know I had to sneak some Taylor in there).
The whole new outlook on what this blog will become actually derived from work today, so I am going to get into that a little bit. I was off yesterday, and I was sort of really dreading work this morning. With everything that happened on Monday, something just wasn't sitting right with me. So I was worried. I mean, Monday was a horrid day to begin with, full of company visits and said company going through my bookbag without my permission. It just really stressed me out. And with how vocal I am at work (which is something that I'm trying to grab the reigns on, because being this mass of angry one-liners is just really making me into something I never intended to be), I was worried that, for a lack of a better analogy, my actions (here meaning words) would have consequences. I just don't like being someone who's angry and everything. And while I don't think I'll ever to be able to truly let my feelings not be known, I don't want to be angry. Anger has never been something that I've wanted to be a part of. It was my problem before when I was working here, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm still going to be sassy, because I'm just a sassy bitch, and I'll throw out one-liners because that's just what I do. But it's no longer going to come from a place of anger.
Today while I was at work, coming back from a day off, and seeing so much. So much here means three pick carts and four breakpacks just left for me to deal with, I got so angry. I'm was so angry because I work so hard, and work so hard to be the best that I can be while I'm at work, and being angry really...it just has no room. That's how I came to what I'm now referring to The Zero Place. Because it's quite clear that, no matter how much I speak out, no matter what evidence I bring forth, no matter what I do, no matter what makes me angry, it's not going to change. And if it's not going to change, then I have to. And my change, is just letting go of it. Letting go of that anger, of that "weight of the world on my shoulders" mentality when it comes to work. I've just got to quit caring so much about how I'm doing, or what's going on around me, because certain things just won't change. So I started doing some deep breathing while I was in the backroom, and just got to my Zero Place. I don't know why, but I instantly pictured, like, a beautifully lit field. A slight breeze, it feels like it's 73 and perfect, and it's just peaceful. No hate, no prejudice, just serenity.
And I don't know why, but that just really helped me get back to zero. To refresh, to recharge. After I kept thinking about The Zero Place in general, I just felt better. Things aren't going to change at work, it's not going to get less chaotic, but my mind can be. I even started making up my own musical theater song (because I thought The Zero Place is a place where showtunes reign supreme haha) called A Wonderful Place For Me And You. I don't even remember how it went, because I was just singing lyrics out of my head into thin air, but it doesn't matter. I just felt connected to this hypothetical place where I could feel okay again. Then I started thinking about it further, and if one song could feel the way that I picture this place, this serene calm, it would be Never Let You Go by Jakaranda. Aka, the song that plays in the Wedding Dress photoshoot scene in The Parent Trap. You know, the one (the better one, in my opinion) that starred a young Lindsay Lohan? It's one of my favorite films ever, but that song's atmosphere is The Zero Place.
And even throughout the rest of the day, not caring about the non-changes that will never take place at work didn't bother me. With every instance, I just kept thinking "The Zero Place" in my head, and I was okay. I was back in the field, with the singular tree behind me (think the place in The Knowing where the kids go after the end of the world? Except WAY less moody and more 'perfect day' blue and sunshine), just feeling carefree. I want to feel the same way that I do outside of work, while I'm working. I want to be the same person I am outside of work, while I'm working. And I think with The Zero Place, I can achieve that. I know this probably sounds really stupid, but it's all just a massive metaphor for me learning to deal with the animosity that breeds around work. Just take a look at my earlier posts, riddled with work ridicule. I just can't do it anymore.
On Monday after work, I got to work on writing for the first time in what felt like forever. Truly. And this isn't recapping, I swear, but it's just important because it'd been a little while. Starting chapter eight felt amazing, even though that started way before Monday after work, and during my day off on Tuesday, when I wrote more, it just clicked for me how happy I was. Writing, doing what I love. I know I've said it time and time again, but writing is what I'm meant to do. Being a storyteller, a craftsman of creative plots, it's just what I was put on this Earth to do. And I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I will, someday, make a living off of it. It's just in the cards for me.
Alright, so I guess we're bringing this blog to a close, or this blog's sun is setting quickly over the brim of the horizon. I don't know, I just felt like this blog needed a change, not just my work attitude. Since...a while, this blog has been a graveyard of work details, a myriad of work bashing that I just can't do because...what am I helping? Who am I helping? Certainly not myself. It's good to get it out, and to vent and everything of that nature, but that's not what this blog was meant for. I want this blog to be a place where I can ebb my feelings into, where I can have safe space to allow my thoughts to live, where I can remember the struggles I'm facing for that inevitable day when I can make this, writing, like I'm doing on this very blog, my livelihood.
Finally at zero,
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