Screwdriver Nights

| Now Playing: Christmases When You Were Mine by Taylor Swift |

Please take down the mistletoe,
'Cause I don't wanna think about that right now.
'Cause everything I want is miles away,
In a snow covered little town.
My mama's in the kitchen,
Worryin' about me.
Season's greetings, hope you're well.
Well I'm doing alright,
If you were wondering.
Lately I can never tell.
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time,
But there were Christmases when you were mine.

I've been doing fine without you, really,
Up until the nights got cold.
And everybody's here except you, baby.
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold.
But for me it's just a lonely time,
'Cause there were Christmases when you were mine.

Merry Christmas everybody,
That'll have to be something I just say this year.
Bet you got your mom another sweater,
And were your cousins late again?
When you were putting up the lights this year,
Did you notice one less pair of hands?
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time,
But there were Christmases when I didn't,
Wonder how you are tonight.
'Cause there were Christmases when you were mine.
You were mine.
___________________________________________________________________

In the spirit of me getting into the holiday cheer mere days before Christmas actually descends upon the masses, a little Taylor Swift holiday song appears in the NP haha. And I swear, I do actually listen to other music than Taylor Swift sometimes. But only sometimes haha. Now that I've featured, and rightfully so because it's such an incredible album, every song off of reputation, we can get into other music haha.

So the past few days have been pretty much consumed by two things: Work and alcohol, in that order. The past two days in particular have been absolutely insane as far as work goes. No, I'm serious. Insane. It's absolutely unreal the amount of people that are last minute shopping this year. This is my fifth year here, my fifth holiday here, and I've never seen in this bad. Today, for instance, looked like Black Friday, and that's saying something. Because NO DAY looks like Black Friday, but this was easily comparable. THAT'S how crazy it was, and how crazy it has been. Today was definitely better than the day before, only because I actually had adequate, or any period, help moving stuff out to the department. Roughly 15 carts came out of the back today. I'd say that's definitely an accomplishment, but I couldn't have done it without the help I was given today, no joke.

I'm a little annoyed, despite my heart and mindset finally connecting with the holiday at hand, by one thing that's Christmas involved. Every year, like reliable clockwork, Christmas always works the same for me. I always go to my mom's in the early morning, and then I head to my grandparents. Now while this is a little different, since I'm living with my grandparents, but honestly, I think it's always worked that way even with that taken into account. But there's this weird energy, in my opinion, concerning Christmas at my mom's. For instance, there's all the unsettled, undiscussed issues going on with my brother's attitude lately, then factoring in my mom's boyfriend, who I do genuinely like as a person, but he's just a little off in the manner of...I don't even know how to phrase it. He's just got some deep seeded issues, and no matter how well he's coping or doing, it just makes my defense mechanism in regards to my mom lock and go into full protect mode. I know there's nothing that I can do really in this situation, but I just feel like something is off this year. For once, I know this makes me sound like an utter bitch, but I really don't want his kids there?? I know, I know. That's a horrible thing to say. It's just that, and this is just a raw indication of how I feel, like my mom has the tendency to...lean? That's a good way to put it. She has a tendency to lean on her relationships a little too much. And by this I mean that it's awarded her laser focus, and I feel like her own wants, or needs, take a back burner. Maybe that's just a water sign trait, because I've definitely been guilty of this in the past, but it just sucks to see her still going through that sort of thing. And in this respect, I feel like she's sort of making sure that he's taken care of this Christmas, not even gift wise, just in a general sort of consideration. I feel like she's making sure that he's having the best Christmas, and her wants for him this Christmas take precedence over anything else.

Again, I'm really not trying to be a bitch. But factoring all those things together, it just makes me miss how things were last year. Hell, last Christmas was the first Christmas IN HISTORY that it was just me, my mom, and my brother having our Christmas at her house. No boyfriends from any party, no bystanders, just us. And that Christmas will always have such a place in my heart. Not because I'm unwilling to accept change or anything, I just have a lot of...hang-ups when it comes to that relationship, and it's low-key affecting my relationship with her, because I'm getting annoyed with her that she's letting it happen, but what can I do? I'm an adult, and I should just get over it. Not that I should have to just feel sort of neglected or like I'm placed on the back burner, but I've made it a point in being a being ready to adapt, like some type of gay, I've-endured-the-cruelty-of-the-world-being-gay-and-i-come-from-a-family-of-divorce chameleon. I guess we'll have to see how it goes, I suppose. I'm just...not looking forward to it, and I really hate to even say that, but I don't know. Maybe I should just quit complaining and be thankful.

So the past week or so, something else that's happened, is after dinner, I keep falling asleep for like an hour. Did I mention that before? If I did, oh well. But yeah, that's been an occurrence lately. But the past two days have been the evenings filled with after work screwdrivers, and honestly, they've just been a blessing. Maybe minus my drunken flirting with Allen, because I'm a mess. Yesterday was great because he was being playfully teasing and I was into it, but today, I was definitely more drunk than yesterday, and I think I was coming off a little strong. I don't know, I've just been enjoying the after work cocktails, and I really want to get some margarita ingredients so I can have after work margaritas haha.

Speaking of coming off strong, or honestly, maybe not, I really like Allen. Like, I really like Allen. It's something that I wasn't expecting or looking for, and while it's definitely a little scary, it's so exciting. Honestly, I had just reserved myself for single days and nights, well, honestly, forever. I had made peace with that, even if I did have that longing for connecting with someone. And now that I have connected with someone and we're continuing to connect, it just feels so great. And I know we've only gone on one official date, and then I went to that get together at his house last weekend, but we've talked every single day since the day we connected, and that's meant so much to me. The thing is, I don't know if it's too soon to talk about, like, being official? I don't know, I'm not very good at like the "rules" or anything that goes along with dating because I'm just not good at dating. I'm good at being alone. But that doesn't mean that I want to be alone, you know? I want to bring it up, but I really don't want to fuck this up, because in case you've forgotten, I really like Allen. It's just, I don't know. It's hard for me to articulate just what this beautiful guy does to me. He's just so pure and funny, and he makes me want to be a better version of myself. I don't know, these are just the ramblings of my sputtering heart I guess, and I don't even know what I'm going on about now haha. I just really like him a lot.

Well, now that I'm completely sobered up from my drunken stupor, and the hour and a half nap that it lead to earlier in the evening, and I'm feeling a second wave of consciousness, I guess that's it? I have to work tomorrow, good ol' Christmas Eve, but only at noon and only for four hours, so that's good. I think I'll settle into bed with the Simpsons, like I've been doing on my "I need something happy and whimsical" kick while on my That '70s Show embargo in leui of this "happy and whimsical" feeling haha. I'm really digging this new blog format, by the way. Just pouring out my feelings and ramblings, I could get used to this.

Eyes full of liquor soaked nights,

-- Justin