Letting Go

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Dripping loss,
Like a faucet broken off, at the helm.
I've been to hell,
And I don't even feel the pain, novacane.
Screaming soft,
Not enough to ever stop, all the noise.
A tossed out toy,
With no home to call my own, all alone.

And I don't wanna need you,
So over being dark blue.
And though I'm scared to leave you,
I gotta shed this old hue.

I feel dark most of the time,
Even when I'm lashing out for light.
And I don't wanna be a demon,
But all I know are evil feelings.
I wanna be good and I wanna be okay.
But first I gotta learn,
To let go of the darkest days.
_____________________________________________

Immediately after my last blog, I ended up going out with Benzo. Which honestly was for the best because I was feeling so damn weird. It was weird because nothing explicitly bad happened for me to be feeling the way that I was feeling, but yeah. I really needed to see her, and apparently, I just really needed to get out of the house too. And since I decided that I didn't want to record my reaction to Shania's new album, I decided to start listening to it in the car on the way to Alejandro's after I hopped out of the shower. So, of course, the food was amazing, as usual. I got my usual, and Benzo went with something new. But yeah, it was just needed. So after telling her about how I was feeling, I was listening to her recap of what's been going on with her lately, and I started having a panic attack. Literally no idea why, no rhyme or reason behind it, but it was intense. Luckily, Benz had a pill for me to take to calm me, and it helped, but main it was intense and I was over it. It was just something I didn't need after feeling the way that I was feeling.

After we wallowed around Ross and acquired things that we knew weren't gonna buy (Except I did get this super amazing aux cord that's both blue and pink, #aesthetic) and had a good time with that. I tried on some stuff, but the blue shoes I was gonna get didn't fit, and they were Converse and so fucking cute. But ya know. And there was thing awesome pink hoodie that I didn't get because, while it fit, I didn't think I looked to good in it. Here's a picture to remind myself that I can't wear pink like that.

Ugh. Awful. But that HUF hoodie was literally so fucking cute and comfortable. Then we watched a video of Collette (Shay's perfect angel of a wife that he doesn't deserve) and her video had some things in it that I really liked. Accepting that certain dreams you envisioned aren't coming true, learning to let go. I tried to let that sink in, but my body wasn't ready for it, I guess. I even almost completely started bawling at Sonic for now damn reason. I'm literally a mess. But then I came home, tried to cry because it's all I wanted to do, just get it out of my system, and I couldn't. I even looked into movies that have made me cry before and the Izzie and Denny scene where she yells WHAT ABOUT ME?? that always makes me cry, and nothing. Somehow, I actually got to sleep. It felt like I was just dead inside.

I woke up, feeling sort of neutral. But ultimately, I started feeling bummed out. But what else is new? On the way to work, I guess I started to feel a little bit better. I was listening to more of Shania's new album, so maybe that's why. But once I got to work, I was trying really, really hard, to feel better. And even though I had two pallets of freight, I was feeling better. But I was also still reeling from everything that happened the night before. And at around 10:30, something incredible happened. I was thinking about how I wish I could just let go of feeling this way, and I heard this melody in my head. And it came with the start of a lyric. "Dripping loss like a faucet broken off at the helm." And I was like, oh my god. This is a song. This is a song that I have to write. And within an hour, the song was finished. I even melded one of the lyrics I had written in my Notes app into it, and wrote, like, my first serious song. It's so good. I recorded the melodies and everything into my phone because I didn't want to forget this thing that helped me sort of let go of how I was feeling. The song is addressed to my depression, and I don't know, something amazing happened in that moment. I was free of it. At least for the time being. I felt so amazing after all of that. It literally became such a good day. The NP reflects the song that I wrote because it's literally the song that I've been going back to the most over the past couple days, and even though I'm not a real artist, I like to pretend, so I added a fake artist name that represents me. It's Russian for Pisces, which I have tatted on my right wrist, so it fits. You're welcome.

And since I've been home, I finished Shania's album. It's so fucking good. I'm going to be listening to it for a while, to soak in it. I did my boosts for taylorswiftix and oh, yesterday I passed 1000 boosts! So proud haha. Anyway, I did my boosts and finally got the chance to watch more of That '70s Show. I started Season Two and it's been wonderful to just sit back, relax, and enjoy my show. Then I hopped in the shower and settled into bed.

The next morning wasn't too bad, not from what I can remember anyway. After being so down on Sunday, I wasn't too worried about coming into work because I had written the song and I was still feeling free from it all, so I had a pretty great day. Even though there was all this chaos going on because there was word that company might be coming and because of that, people were just putting me on edge and I was over it. But any time throughout the day that I felt myself slipping or getting overwhelmed or just feeling dark in a general sense, I started to sing my song in my head, and I instantly started to feel better. Maybe it's because I poured my crying soul into creating that song, but it really does help put things into perspective for me, and I'm so glad I have that to lean on now in my times of need. Because let's be honest, there are going to be plenty more coming my way in the nearing future. For whatever reason, I was so tired that day. Like no matter what I did, I was just drained and over it. There were a couple times throughout the day that I didn't know if I was going to make it or not. And since I talked to Seanathan Michael about coming in early for Tuesday (I had mods due in a few categories), I knew I was going to be going to sleep early anyways.

I came home, and started watching some of That '70s Show and doing my boosts, because that's all I was going to do. I was going to do my boosts, and then head to bed because 4am comes real quick when you're not used to waking up at that hour. But while doing said boosts and watching That '70s Show, I was falling asleep. Sitting up. Like I don't know what I was so tired because the night before I actually slept really well. But ya girl was tired I guess. I laid down around 6:30 and that was all she wrote. I kept waking up, because it's weird to sleep through the night like that, starting so early, but when my alarm eventually went off, I felt so well rested. Ready to conquer anything the Earth had to throw at me, and that was a wonderful feeling. So I went into work Tuesday morning feeling great. Even better was the fact that the mods weren't nearly half as bad as I thought they were going to be, and I finished all of them within the two hours that everyone else would start coming into work for our normal shift.

I went by a semi-normal day after finishing the mods, but I was still cleaning up stuff from this morning. And then Seanathan Michael found my Barbie trend pod, so I ended up setting that, but that wasn't too horrible. Knowing that I was getting off at 2 instead off 4 was a great feeling, and I was in good spirits all day long because of it. Coupled with my wonderful amount of sleep and the fact that I was off the next day, I wasn't slowing down on the happy trail for a while, and it felt really good to be thriving on that feed. 

Coming home early, I got some boosts done that I didn't get to do yesterday, so that was great. And then I did something I normally never do on work days, which is writing! I finished the entire opening scene of chapter seven, and it's all going according to plan (TM, Corpse Bride). I redownloaded and listened to Betty Who's The Valley album while I wrote, and I think I wrote that album off a little too quickly. It's actually pretty incredible, and I think I'm going to be listening to it a lot more here soon. I want to keep up listening to Shania, and even some Demi that I've been listening to lately, but I just feel like this is the album I need to listen to for right now, if that makes sense? I don't know, but it was super awesome to get some writing done. Pretty much after that, I did boosts until it was time for bed, and then I watched new movie on Netflix.

It's called What Happened To Monday, and obsessed. It's absolutely incredible, and I was in love with it from start to finish. It definitely gives off Orphan Black vibes, because it deals with identity a lot, and Noomi Rapace is playing multiple people, just minus the clones. But yeah, it's absolutely wonderful in every way, and even though my favorite of the sisters wasn't as lucky as the others, it's still a fantastic film that I totes recommend. 

Also, this poster for the movie is BADASS. I fucking love it. Also, is it just me, or is Noomi giving anyone else total Troian Bellisario vibes? Like the entire time I was watching the movie, I kept thinking that she was giving me Troian even though she wasn't trying too. Like for instance, in this poster above, Tuesday (the one with reddish brown hair) and Friday (the one in glasses and plaid) are serving straight up Troian. All I see is a grown up Troian and I'm fucking living for it.

Anyway, then, like I did the night before, I just went ahead and watched That '70s Show while I was heading to bed.

Falling asleep pretty much as soon as I turned on That '70s Show and turned over, I woke up feeling pretty great, getting a good night's rest. I woke up around ten thirty, and wondered whether or not Benzo and I were gonna get together. I sat down to possibly do some writing, but ended up just doing some writing for this blog instead, which was fine. I also watched another Netflix film today. Gerald's Game, based off of a Stephen King novel. It was fantastic. It has Carla Gugino in it and I absolutely love her, so I was in. So so good. I really want to start reading a plethora of Stephen King novels, but honestly, all my spare time goes into writing my second book, so I don't know when I'll ever have enough time for that, but I really really want to.

So once Benzo and I were on the same page, it was decided that we were going to get together, and try and get our nails done, which was super exciting for me because I've never had a manicure or a pedicure, but today I ended up getting both. But first, like the true trash I am, I suggested that we meet up at Alejandro's because where else would we go, to be honest? And for whatever reason, our food was fucking incredible. The chips, the sweet tea, the food itself. It was just perfect. So then we headed to the place that, unbeknownst to us, we both had our eyes on. So we headed downtown to check it out. And after a few mini panic attacks, we found parking, but the place didn't have enough time for what we wanted. Then we went to the place near DQ on Orange and they said the same thing. We found refuge at the place in the mall, where we got what we were looking for.

And despite telling my grandma that the only thing I didn't want was have them clip my nails, but everything was happening so fast and everything that it happened. The massage chair was a no bueno for me, so Benzo had to turn it off for me because helpless. The feeling of having the nail clippers under my nails under someone else's control? Agonizing. I can't stand the feeling anyway, let alone giving that control over to someone I don't know. I was afraid that she was going to catch skin, and I was terrified, but it didn't happen. So I'm thankful that she was a professional and super knowledgeable about cutting nails, I guess haha. The process was fun, but honestly, I had no idea that you weren't supposed to have that skin on your nails? #totesmasc. Anyway, I forgot to add that before that we tried to play some bingo, and even finally made our way to Gator Hall, but Smokers R Us, so we left. But after the nail place in the mall, we headed over to Ross, and I actually ended up getting that pink hoodie haha. Benzo also got those shoes she was eyeing the last time we went.

Then we aimed for home. And I immediately ate my leftover Mexican because always, and I started cutting that hoodie down the middle (Right down the middle? Right down the middle, TM The Parent Trap 1998) so I could wear it better. I found a tutorial to make it into a zipper hoodie, so I might do that. Either that, or I'll use some stitch witchery on it and just made it a sort of jacket. Either way I'm fine with it. I'll have to look up zippers and how much work it is because Lays Potato Chips.

Now, it's time for continuing on with That '70s Show and lay in bed. I'm pretty tired, but also pretty full, so we'll see how this goes. Also, I'd like to point out that I wore my rep hat out in public today, turns backwards like a total douchebag, but I actually think I looked pretty good in it. And so yeah. I'm just full of firsts in this blog.

Learning to let go,

-- Jesse