You should take it as a compliment,
That I'm talking to everyone here but you.
But you, but you.
You should think about the consequence,
Of you touching my hand in a darkened room.
Dark room, dark room.
And I've got a boyfriend, he's older than us,
He's in the club doing I don't know what.
You're so cool it makes me hate you so much,
I hate you so much.
Ocean blue eyes, looking in mine.
I feel like I might,
Sink and drown and die.
You're so gorgeous,
I can't say anything to your face,
'Cause look at your face.
And I'm so furious,
At you for making me feel this way.
But what can I say?
You're gorgeous.
You make me so happy it turns back to sad,
There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have,
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad.
You make me so happy it turns back to sad,
There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have,
Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats.
Alone,
Unless you wanna come along.
__________________________________________________________
Okay so we have quite the happenings happening here today so let's get this show on the road. It's currently a little bit before 7 on Thursday as I'm writing this, and I'm fucked up. The level of fuckedupedness that I'm currently feeling can NOT be measured on any sort of scale. So I slept pretty well last night, which is saying something because I was feeling some type of way last night. Mainly because there was another Secret Session last night in Rhode Island. I was just feeling down because I feel like I'm never going to get the chance to meet Taylor ever, which is devastating because it's one of my biggest dreams, especially during this era because of how dark and down I've been since before the album announcement. But I felt better once I woke up, after getting a really good amount of sleep, and I listened to the newest episode of the Swiftcast podcast, where someone who was at the London SS was on talking about their experience, without giving album details, of course. And after listening to that, I was thankful I didn't get invited only because there's no way that I could afford a plain ticket, no matter how bad I would want to. Anyway, moving on.
Work was annoying. Literally per usual. So we knew that Warden was going to be back today, and everyone was dreading the worst. But surprisingly the meeting wasn't too bad and nothing too horrible happened. Except for the fact that the stuff that Dennis had me hold for overnight? They didn't work it. So not only did I have the freight from this morning but also all the pallets from yesterday. To say I was pissed was an extreme understatement. But life goes on. So then LunchCrew2K17 was reassembled today, as both Destiny and Teresa were back. We decided we were gonna go to lunch, and we ended up going to Country Cookin, and bitch, it was bomb. Literally it was so good and I'm still feeling pangs from it to be honest. Speaking of things I'm still feeling pangs from, during lunch, literally in the middle of our lunch, Taylor Swift posted a video to both Instagram and Tumblr, and I knew something was about to fuck me the fuck up. And that thing was A NEW SONG ANNOUNCMENT. LITERALLY in the last blog, I talked about wishing there was another song to add to the reputation rotation and WE'RE GETTING A NEW SONG TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT. The song is called Gorgeous, and it features a baby voice or something and here's the seven second clip that Taylor posted.
BITCH. I'm so fucking unprepared for this song, I just can't. LunchCrew got to see me freak the fuck out, so that was fun haha. OH, and I made two friends last night on Tumblr! They're Swifties and they both live in Virginia! I'm so excited because I've never had friends (at all really) that love Taylor as much as I love her, so that's been fun to experience today. We were freaking out together all day. And obviously, because I've recorded my reactions to the first two songs, I'm going to be doing the same tonight once Gorgeous hits my iTunes account. Fuck, I'm ready. And I've just been so ready for the song, I've just been on Tumblr and gearing up for TGIT tonight. I'm gonna literally hop in the shower and then watch TGIT, and then I'm going to be staying up until Gorgeous comes out and a bitch is READY except I'm not ready at all. Obviously, I haven't even heard the song yet, but it's gonna be the NP for this blog, let's get real. I guess the next thing that I'll post here is my reaction video to Gorgeous. So here's that and then I'll continue to freak out about it after haha.
Yo, so a lot has happened since I listened to the song. I'll be posting this on Sunday morning because I honestly couldn't do it last night because I was in my feelings over something, but I'll get into it, because I really want to capture the feeling and the outcome and everything else.
So firstly, let's talk about Gorgeous. I was all prepared to record my reaction and everything, and no matter what I did, the song wasn't showing up on either my phone OR on my computer on iTunes. I was freaking the hell out. I was so tired and just wanted to go to bed but I also wanted to give an honest reaction. Finally, after the internet was no help at solving my problem, I found something useful. I had to cancel the preorder and then re-preorder it, and it instantly downloaded. It'll probably charge me again, but whatever. We all know Taylor owns me, so it's no big deal. I really like the song, but for me, I don't think it's as strong as LWYMMD or RFI. Both songs have this like dark undertone, heavy synths, and just have this overall badass feel to them. And Gorgeous is just like, to me, what I would expect to hear on 1989. It still somehow has this similar feel of the first two songs, but I think that has more to do with the production, sort of, but mostly the lyrics. They're not the best lyrics overall, but the verses have some really Grade A content, so maybe that's why it works. Obviously, I'm still obsessed with the song, but it's not as strong. And then to see Taylor reblogging all these people from the Secret Sessions and people who were like TAYLOR THIS IS THE BEST SONG FROM REPUTATION YET when, I'm sorry, it just isn't, and this is coming from a Taylor Swift SUPERFAN. Nat had a livestream about how people were acting so fake just to garner her attention, and I couldn't agree more. I've been listening to Gorgeous non-stop, because it's still a really good song, and here's my reaction to it for anyone interested.
So there was that haha. I went to bed with That '70s Show, making my way downtown, walking fast through Season 4, and actually fell asleep really easily. Maybe it was because it was already 2:30 in the morning. I was worried about the amount of sleep I got during the night by the time my alarm went off for work, but I actually felt super well rested despite the three hours that I got. Work wasn't too bad, but I also don't really remember much of it. This is what happens when I don't blog on that specific day. My memory is completely shot from work, so that's just going to be a thing that happens. I honestly am sitting here, trying to think of things that happened, and I honestly can't think of anything. Thanks to my bank account, I do remember that we went to El Rodeo for lunch. Okay, I'm starting to remember some things now. We had a shrink meeting on Thursday, I don't know if I mentioned that. But it was basically the same old stuff, this is broken, but we will try to fix it, but it's y'alls fault, ya know, the same. But anyway, Friday we went to El Rodeo and complained about the way that things are and everything. The food was good though, so it's great.
After work, I was a little bummed bout having to work during the weekend, but I just wanted to get it over with so I could have my day off and everything. I slept SUPER well during the night, and woke up feeling pretty decent in the morning. I still woke up and got myself some breakfast before I headed into work because I just really was over it, but luckily I had Amber there to work with me, so that made it all the more better to get through the day. It wasn't so bad, aside from roudy teenagers in my department, literally like 15 of them, a bomb threat, and a support manager singing Taylor Swift's new song at me, nothing really happened haha. I also spent have the day helping people with the price change CBL. Speaking of helping people, most of my Friday was spent teaching people how to do SWAS because the assistants don't know how to. But that's none of my business.
So after work was over, I headed home, and got to learn a wonderful new thing that I wasn't privy to. My grandma and I were eating some DiGiorno for dinner, because pizza is really really good, and she asked me if I wanted the last piece or something like that and I said sure. She then was like "I guess I should stop forcing you to eat, people might think I'm making you fat." And I was like what are you even talking about? Apparently, her sisters said some shit to her during the dinner we had for Bonnie over at Fay's house Sunday and my weight was a hot topic. I was pissed. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I've literally never shared with ANYONE in my family the true struggles that I've gone through with my relationship with food. From depression, to the only thing that would make me feel something was being overfull of food, they just have no idea. So to hear that they were talking bout me in this light really fucking hurt. I talked about it with Benzo, and then with my new Swiftie Tumblr friends Dacia, and they were making me feel better. But it just hurts that these people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And even more has happened now.
I went to bed with my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie playing because I just needed something super familiar that makes me super happy after feeling so down about myself. The only good thing that came out of it, aside from knowing which members of my family are next on being cut out of my life, is I wrote down an exercise plan. Fuck them. Anyway, I went to bed pretty easily, and early into the movie. I was just super drained. And woke up to my phone going off, despite hving it on silent, which apparently does not include phone calls, and it's one of my grandma's sisters who's calling. I immediately think, "Oh Lord, here we go." After checking the time and seeing that it was a reasonable enough time for me to stop sleeping in, I check my phone's notifications. And my Facebook is blown the fuck up. I posted a status late last night about how I was feeling, and about choosing your own family over blood relation, and huge shout out to my Radford friends Amanda Leigh and Anna for showing me some much needed support. But family commented on it as well, the very ones in question.
I'm already so sick of seeing "I love you no matter what" from family. That so obviously isn't true. Don't comment saying you love me no matter what but then say yeah I did notice at the party that you had gained a few pounds. On Facebook. For anyone to read. Fuck you. I'm sorry, but that just isn't okay with me. I politely, as I could, said that her comment made me feel worse. So I guess we'll hear more about that as it happens.
Oh, and I've still been keeping up with my photos, so here's some more Artsy Selfie time!
And thus, here we are on this lovely early afternoon on Sunday, just over everything. I need to go out and get some gas, so maybe I'll just drive around or something, who knows. Or maybe I'll just do my HIIT workout or walk around the yard. But first, I need to plan out my bills. Honestly, I'm just so ready to see the sun.
Not using love as an excuse to ridicule,
-- Jesse
After work, I was a little bummed bout having to work during the weekend, but I just wanted to get it over with so I could have my day off and everything. I slept SUPER well during the night, and woke up feeling pretty decent in the morning. I still woke up and got myself some breakfast before I headed into work because I just really was over it, but luckily I had Amber there to work with me, so that made it all the more better to get through the day. It wasn't so bad, aside from roudy teenagers in my department, literally like 15 of them, a bomb threat, and a support manager singing Taylor Swift's new song at me, nothing really happened haha. I also spent have the day helping people with the price change CBL. Speaking of helping people, most of my Friday was spent teaching people how to do SWAS because the assistants don't know how to. But that's none of my business.
So after work was over, I headed home, and got to learn a wonderful new thing that I wasn't privy to. My grandma and I were eating some DiGiorno for dinner, because pizza is really really good, and she asked me if I wanted the last piece or something like that and I said sure. She then was like "I guess I should stop forcing you to eat, people might think I'm making you fat." And I was like what are you even talking about? Apparently, her sisters said some shit to her during the dinner we had for Bonnie over at Fay's house Sunday and my weight was a hot topic. I was pissed. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I've literally never shared with ANYONE in my family the true struggles that I've gone through with my relationship with food. From depression, to the only thing that would make me feel something was being overfull of food, they just have no idea. So to hear that they were talking bout me in this light really fucking hurt. I talked about it with Benzo, and then with my new Swiftie Tumblr friends Dacia, and they were making me feel better. But it just hurts that these people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And even more has happened now.
I went to bed with my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie playing because I just needed something super familiar that makes me super happy after feeling so down about myself. The only good thing that came out of it, aside from knowing which members of my family are next on being cut out of my life, is I wrote down an exercise plan. Fuck them. Anyway, I went to bed pretty easily, and early into the movie. I was just super drained. And woke up to my phone going off, despite hving it on silent, which apparently does not include phone calls, and it's one of my grandma's sisters who's calling. I immediately think, "Oh Lord, here we go." After checking the time and seeing that it was a reasonable enough time for me to stop sleeping in, I check my phone's notifications. And my Facebook is blown the fuck up. I posted a status late last night about how I was feeling, and about choosing your own family over blood relation, and huge shout out to my Radford friends Amanda Leigh and Anna for showing me some much needed support. But family commented on it as well, the very ones in question.
I'm already so sick of seeing "I love you no matter what" from family. That so obviously isn't true. Don't comment saying you love me no matter what but then say yeah I did notice at the party that you had gained a few pounds. On Facebook. For anyone to read. Fuck you. I'm sorry, but that just isn't okay with me. I politely, as I could, said that her comment made me feel worse. So I guess we'll hear more about that as it happens.
Oh, and I've still been keeping up with my photos, so here's some more Artsy Selfie time!
And thus, here we are on this lovely early afternoon on Sunday, just over everything. I need to go out and get some gas, so maybe I'll just drive around or something, who knows. Or maybe I'll just do my HIIT workout or walk around the yard. But first, I need to plan out my bills. Honestly, I'm just so ready to see the sun.
Not using love as an excuse to ridicule,
-- Jesse
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