Saturday, July 1, 2017


| Now Playing: Lie by Halsey |

Breakfast is cold, As cold as our bed,
I'm watching you trip down the words that you said. 
I watch you devour, Mistake me for bread. 
Well boy is you fed, Or are you mislead?
I gave you the messiest head,
You give me the messiest head. 
Oh you're turning red,
'Cause I'm trying to give the impression, 
That I get the message,
You wish I was dead.

I swear, this has been the longest month ever. Probably ever in my life. I don't know why, but time has been moving so slow this month and this is the first time I've been able to feel the tar surrounding the time woven around this month. One reason I've been able to feel it as much is because Halsey's Hopeless Fountain Kingdom album has only been out for a month and that's literally insane to me, given all that this month has endured.

I've been having some really rough days at work lately. It seems that the mornings are by far the worst. I'm overcome with this inane fear that my life is in shambles and I'm not doing anything right. Like I'm stuck and I don't know how I got there. I know it comes from the sense of not feeling "successful" after my book being released (Whatever success really means to my subconscious), and dealing with the insurmountable work stress on top of the ongoing home life stress coupled together is just really weighing down on me this week, and I was really looking for a change.

So, I actually did something that I've been planning to do for a while now. Ever since I heard that Shonda Rhimes was offering a Masterclass on writing for television, I knew that it was something that I wanted to acquire. Having my story translated into a television vision has been a dream of mine since I can remember. I would absolutely LOVE for a series of mine to be made into TV. But after buying the Masterclass and listening to Shonda speak her wisdom, it has me scared because to venture into television, it seems I have to give up the one thing I struggle with the most to let go of: control.

I feel like on some level, all writers are control freaks. We control the narrative, we control the story, we control the outcome. We control, it's what we do. But I have a really hard time letting go because I feel like it's one of the few things I have control of in my life at the moment. I can't control how work is going, I can't control my living situation. But what I can control, is my story and my characters. So for me to feel vulnerable enough to translate Sever into a television manuscript. It would be absolutely incredible, but I don't know if I know enough to actually make it happen. I suppose that's what the Masterclass is for, but upon my initial dive into the Masterclass, I have self-inflicted doubts. I suppose only time will tell with that venture.

In the meantime, I'm just going to focus on what I love to do, and that's write this story from the only place I know how: my heart. I've put so much of myself into the pages between this series. It's been my safe place to land, and I'm going to keep writing it the way I love and the way that works best for me.

Who knows, maybe something will happen and luck will smile upon my whimsy for a change. I could use a change in luck these days.

Also, I've officially reached 80 downloads on Smashwords and that's so damn exciting to me, I can't express it with the right words. I would just absolutely love some feedback, of a review from anyone who has downloaded it and had the time to read any portion of it. The goal for this coming up week is to finally finish chapter four in the follow up to Sever. And after that, hopefully by the end of the week, I'll have mapped out the details of chapter five on paper instead of constantly acting out the scenes from my head.

Here's hoping,

-- Jesse

No comments:

Post a Comment