Wednesday, July 12, 2017


| Now Playing: Learning How To Lose You by Nashville Cast |

'Cause baby,
I'm still learning how to lose you.
Like the kick back from a smoking gun,
It takes some getting used to.
And I can't unpull the trigger,
I can't make you call.
And these ghosts I treat like lovers,
Ain't been helping me at all.

To say that this initial start to the week has been pushing me beyond my breaking point and beyond even an emergency breaking point, is the severest of understatements. After dealing with my decision to move from Bedford to Salem, I thought all was well. That wasn't the case when Monday rolled around. I was at work, dealing with the mental struggle of telling my mom about my subsequent move and all those emotions dealing with that, which turned out to be alright in the end. But I wasn't prepared for that thunderous hell cloud swarming around the trailer when I got there after work.

I won't go into detail, but it was dark. Obsidian dark. I'm talking Vantablack dark. If you don't know what Vantablack is, look it up, it's incredible. But I digress. Things were so murky and morose that I proceeded to pretty much cry over the course of the four hours that everything was going on at the trailer. Finally, I came back to my grandparents, aka the new home (for a third time), and somehow fell asleep.

Work hasn't been too bad, probably the universe's way of keeping me in balance since everything with home life is going kind of crazy right now. I keep checking up on my mom because of what happened Monday night, and she seems to be holding up alright. But still, I feel guilty for leaving while this Vantablack stuff is going down. I just love her so much and want the best for her. I talked to her again today, and she seems better, so I'm forever grateful for that. I hope that trend rises for both of us as we head into the weekend.

Luckily, I've had my ride or die, my best friend, my Benzo, to keep me sane through everything. From me being literally a car wreck waiting to happen Monday night to just being the angel that she is on a daily basis has been making me feel better. Plus, she is an angel of the Lord and bought me a Blu-Ray player today (Insert cry face emoji times four) and honestly, I've really needed one for a while now. Especially with moving into this big room at my grandparents house and having to use the Wii for Netflix (Insert first world problems eye roll emoji times eight). And during her unveiling to me of said surprise purchase, she was talking about her disdain for red shirts (A disdain that were both happen to share) and she referred to it as "The Clifford Complex" and I about PASSED OUT from laughing. That's why I love her, her ability to always bring me back to myself.

I'm really holding out that as the weekend crescendos upon me, things just keep getting better. Aside from this stomach pain I'm having today and feeling overly nauseated, I'm feeling better and better about Monday and all it's unravelings. Plus, Big Brother comes on in, like, an hour haha. *Proceeds to suppress reality and only care about Big Brother drama to escape life's woes*. Literally me on the dail.

The darkest material ever created,

-- Jesse

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