Saturday, July 8, 2017

Hitting #100

| Now Playing: Praying by Kesha |

'Cause you brought the flames,
And you put me through hell.
I had to learn how to fight for myself.
And we both know all the truth I could tell.
I'll just say this, Is I wish you farewell.

I hope you're somewhere praying, Praying.
I hope you're soul is changing, Changing.
I hope you find your peace,
Fallen on your knees.

The rest of this week has tried it, hunty. Literally tried to go straight for the jugular with a vice gripped jaw with unquenchable blood lust. But I've somehow come out the other side of what has mostly been emotional warfare with a clear head, and a clear solution.

Work has tried it's hardest to get me down, but I might have just finally made my way to getting the best out of my job without having the negative and toxic mind games effect me at all. So that's a triumph in and of itself. By the time Friday finally came around, I was so ready to see the weekend through that I almost didn't know what to do with myself. And I didn't end up having to take working this weekend on, so that's just an added bonus because I honestly don't think that I would have been able to handle it on a mental level.

As you can see from the Now Playing above, Kesha has a new song out for the first time in FIVE years. It's so amazing to me that this comeback is not only way beyond overdue, but also that the song is absolutely incredible is just a testament to Kesha's strength. I'm just so happy to see her returning to the music scene with an insatiably drawn fist. And the song has spoken volumes to me personally and it's just a song that I've felt like I've really, really needed lately.

I also had some pseudo-plans today, Saturday, but they've fallen through. Partly do to poor communication on both parties involved, but also because I got a text this morning that has threatened the safety of my living situation for the absolutely last time, in my mind, and I've just finally got to do something about it. Apparently, putting me through a razor wire field of anxiety and anger for two weeks straight wasn't enough. Now, because of this certain even happening at the place where I'm living, I'm being force-fed a choice that I didn't want to make in the first place. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, lease of all the woman who gave me life. But a two bedroom trailer housing five individuals, three of them being adults, is just not enough room for everyone to live comfortably. Plus, I've been sort of living between there and here at my grandparents' house for a while now, mainly initiated by the said event of more people being in the trailer, and I've been trying to grow my online presence as far as keeping this blog updated as well as trying to extend my Goodreads presence, all of which requires internet, and the trailer is so far out in the country that the feat of WiFi is strictly impossible. So, therein lies the choice.

It's just time for me to move back into my grandparents' house. Sure, it worries me to death because the reason I moved out in the first place was because of a family member. And granted, that family member is no longer here, but the prospect of them coming back by possibly December toys with me in ways that flash me back to when he was here, and the bout of hardships it put on me to live within them. But, I have got to get serious about saving up money. And I feel like that's only going to work better by living back in Salem. I'll save on gas, for one. I'm closer to work, so if I end up staying after, it's not as big of a deal. It's just the better place for me to be right now. And that's okay. I just don't want to feel guilty about leaving my mom. I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can, but that's even hard now, even by living together. We have all these things going on, and I know we can't live together forever. I think I just got swept up into the fantasy of it all.

In some much less heart-heavy ramblings, my book reached A HUNDRED downloads on Smashwords! SO EXCITING. If anyone reading this (Not that I assume anyone but myself is seeing it haha) has downloaded Sever on Smashwords, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for downloading it and deeming it interesting enough to do so. As usual, I'd love to hear some feedback, so don't hesitate to leave a review on Smashwords or Goodreads or even Amazon if you like. All mediums of review are graciously accepted.

Now that I've come to terms with what's happening with my living situation and the idea of moving here soon, I'm focusing on drawing up the plans for chapter five of the new book by tonight. Having everything placed effectively is my goal for tonight. So I'm going to do my damnedest to make that a reality. I'm just glad I can be rational about how my life is going right now, and not slumping into the familiar and rather comfortable arms of depression over what's happening. I'm better than that. And as Kesha has so reminded me this week, I can make it on my own.

Always praying,

-- Jesse

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