Lightweight Lucy

| Now Playing: Adore by Dean Lewis |

I'm just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm,
I'm just gonna walk home kicking stones at parked cars.
But I had a great night,
'Cause you kept rubbing against my arm.
So I'm just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm.

Get me a drink,
I get drunk off one sip just so I can adore you.
I want the entire street out of town,
Just so I can be alone with you.
Now go when you're ready,
My head's getting heavy pressed against your arm.
I adore you.

I'm known as a right-hands slugger,
Anybody else wanna touch my lover?
_____________________________________________________________________

Wow, the past few days have actually been pretty incredible. Laid back, euphoric, happy. I've just had a really good couple of days. So right after I got off work on Thursday, literally as I was getting in my car and plugging it up to my car, I got a text from Allen asking me if I wanted to come up and join him for dinner. Amanda and CJ were going to be there and I was elated. I was so ready for that. So I got my bearings and tried me best to shower and get ready before heading out to a specific gas station just so I could get my hands on some Boone's Farm Sangria. But like I had feared, they had stopped selling it. But what they did have were the 40oz Smirnoff Screwdrivers that I like so much, so I snatched three of those and headed up to Blacksburg.

It was honestly one of the most fun nights of my life. I got there, and everyone was there (even though West was still back home with family) and we started drinking. By the time dinner was ready, I was already getting pretty drunk, just from one of my drinks. But the dinner, my god. Allen made zucchini boats filled with chicken and garlic pesto and cheese and was hands down one of the best things I've ever had. It was so fucking good, and I was just salivating for more. So after that, and I was already drunk by the end of my first drink because in case it isn't apparent, I've really become a lightweight, I don't know how we came to this decision, but it was decided that we were going to be singing songs from musicals and basically performing them as a group haha. So an opening group number, two duets for the couples, solos for each of us, and a closing group number haha. It was so much fun! Allen and I sang Light My Candle, and it was, again, the most fun ever. Our closing number was Cinderella from the Cheetah Girls because we're the coolest people alive haha. God, that night was so amazing. Then around midnight, CJ and Amanda left (after bonding with CJ over quoting Spongebob episodes haha) and Allen and I had the place to ourselves. He's such an incredible guy, truly, and the more time I spend with him, the more I want to be around him. We had a great night together, just exploring our time together, and I just really like him a lot.

We had discussed the whole getting together for New Year's thing. They were getting together to go to the Park for New Year's Eve. And while that's not exactly my scene, and it makes me super anxious and nervous, I've decided that I want to go with them. I'm sort of tired of not putting myself out there, you know? I want to try new things, experience things I normally would shy away from. I want to push myself. But we were also going to go to the wine tasting, but on Saturday, Allen was really sick and couldn't do it, which I totally don't think mixing wine on his stomach like that would have been a good idea, so it all worked out. I'm hoping I get to see him today, even if we don't end up going to the Park. But if we do end up going to the Park, I'm all for it. I'm ready to break free from my terror and just let loose and be carefree about it.

Also, this is the last blog of 2017! Looking back, 2017 has been an absolutely crazy year for me. I started 2017 living with my mom, being back home with her and my brother, and that was a great experience. I was formatting my book, and editing, and it was a really stressful ordeal to undertake when living in a place that has no internet. Then, my book came out in May. And that still blows my mind? Like...I put out a book...a real book...and people can read it? That's still so crazy to me, and I'm so excited for what will happen with the book in 2018. The audiobook for Sever is coming really soon, so there's that, but who knows. Maybe some more dreams of mine can come true in 2018. Then, I changed departments at work in July. I got super sick just before that, and my ear problem was born. I still haven't seen a doctor about it, because, like last time, I'm about to go back on a week of overnights AGAIN in my department, so I can't go quite yet. I started blogging twice a week in July, and that's been a fun way to look back at my year, and see everything I've faced. I moved out of my mom's house in July, and back in with my grandparents. I survived Taylor Swift releasing an album this year when NO ONE thought she was going to. I got tickets to her tour. I met such a beautiful and wonderful guy over the holidays this year. I finally got a new computer, and an iMac, which i've always wanted.

It's just been a crazy year, specifically the past six months really. Ever since I released my book at the end of May, life has been in hyper drive and just super hectic and crazy. But honestly, the thing I'm most excited about as this year comes to a close is the fact that I'm in a better head space. Things were getting too dark in my head, as my earlier blogs can attest to, but I feel so much better now. I know what my goals are, I know what my focuses should be, and I want to work on being a better me. Fitter, healthier, wiser, smarter. I just want to be a better Justin. And 2018, you better fucking get ready for it.

Lightweight in libation but heavyweight in soul,

-- Justin

Special Guest Star

| Now Playing: Strangers by Sigrid |

Just like in the movies,
It starts to rain and we...
We're the broken beauties,
Blindfolded minds collide and we fall...
When the curtain drops,
Our touch is just a touch.
Not like in the movies,
Our story's after the end like

Strangers
Perfect pretenders
We're falling head over heels,
For something that ain't real.
It could never be us,
Hey, just you and I

Strangers
Perfect pretenders
We're falling head over heels,
For something that ain't real.
It could never be us,
Hey, just you and I
________________________________________________________

So, Christmas has come and gone, and it's just been a wave of emotions. I sit here on Wednesday night, feeling every bit of my Carrie Bradshaw fantasy, just sort of in awe of everything that I've felt over the past few days. From literally hanging on to my last few dollars before payday, to the emotional woes brought on from Christmas, all the way to today's unexpected woes and elation. It's just been a lot, but I'm super thankful that the ending to the past couple days have been much less rocky than the start.

To start, Christmas. The lead up to Christmas was a lot. I only worked a four hour shift on Sunday,  and it was busy, but not nearly as busy as Saturday, which I'm eternally grateful for. It went by in a flash, and I actually had people to help me again. And by the time it was over, Christmas Eve was lit. Literally, because I was drinking for the third night in a row haha. I started drinking screwdrivers with my grandma, and then my grandpa joined us with his Crown and Coke, and then the music was brought out, and the party began haha. I never ever want to forget this Christmas Eve. It was just so joyful and full of fun and love, I can't get over it. We just listened to music spanning from the 50's to the 80's, ending in me rapping my ass off for them haha. It was just a lot of fun, and something I really will look back on as one of the best Holiday themed nights of my life. Plus, that big "exciting" gift that my grandparents have been baiting me with? My grandma wanted to give it to me that night, and it ended up being a record player. How long have I gone now with having Taylor Swift vinyls to play but no record player? Now, I can't say that haha. I'm just super grateful for it and to have them in my life, I truly can't express it enough.

Then, the next morning. I finally got a decent time out of my mom about when I should head down there. So, I got up after setting a modest alarm, but when I pulled into the driveway at about ten on the dot, no one was home. I hoped, and was thankful that my assumptions panned out, that my brother was at least home, so that prevented from me waiting in the cold or in my car. And i get that because of the snow and the mountains that Shawn's kids live on that it took long, but it was after 11 by the time they got to the house, and I was crunched on time because of the late start to the festivities, so I was a little miffed, but still trying to get into the groove. Only, it didn't feel like I was well received? It just felt like, the entire time, like I was a guest at this families Christmas, like I wasn't a part of it? It's really hard to describe accurately without me coming off like some sort of ungrateful brat, but I just felt like a fly on the wall, invited guest that was interrupting their Christmas. It was all about Shawn and his kids, and that's all fine and well, but...I'm here too?? And I knew that this Christmas was going to be hard to top after last year, being back at home, living there, no significant others to bring the vibe down from any party. But it just didn't feel like I was supposed to be there. And that has nothing to do with the gifts, I could care less about getting gifts. I just, felt like a guest,  and that's not how I would expect or like to feel considering the fact that it was my mother's house.

Leaving there, Christmas with everyone back at my grandparents, my house, was great. Ayden was freaking adorable as usual and really makes me want a child of my own, and everyone was just great to be around. It's sort of what I wanted to feel at my mom's, but ya know. I got like a 100 bucks, which ended up getting me the best gift I've ever given myself haha, and some great clothes and stuff to wear to work, which I super needed. It was just a great night. Mom got me this notebook from the Red era that's out of print, that I was SUPER excited about. Plus some songbooks so I can further my desire to learn guitar. In retrospect, in was a goodnight. Work after all that, was too much. I was over it and I was so ready to be off today. You know, same old stuff, expected to do the work of four, but ya know. Especially annoying considering that it was, oh, you know, the day after Christmas...

But, one good thing was, I got paid Tuesday, finally, after literally having 47 cents to my name before my check went in. And I decided to treat myself a little and get myself some Christmas presents of my own. I can't tell you how excited I was when I learned that we had, and that the creators had changed their minds, the 18th season of the Simpsons on DVD at work. So I bought that and a 2018 Taylor Swift calendar because, I mean, come on. And then, randomly, I was checking the Facebook Marketplace, not even for anything in particular, when I stumbled on someone selling an iMac from 2008...for 175 dollars. Like...what? That's insane. And I really didn't think I would be sitting here today, an owner of an iMac, but here I am? I had a good feeling about it and met with the guy (with my grandma coming with because I know better than to go alone) and bought it...and I'm using it for the first time to type this blog. How is that even real life? I've been wanting an Apple computer for literally the longest time now, and now that I have one, even if it is a used older model, blows my mind. I'm in love with it and I'm speechless over it. Another gift for myself, I know, but I really needed a new computer, and for 175, and it's a Mac?? Literally can't beat it.

I got together with Benzo today, because both of us happened to be off. I was trying to see Pitch Perfect 3 with Faith Rose but that didn't pan out, plus she had some family stuff to attend to, so it all worked out in the end. And while we were getting ready to get together, she ordered me a gift from work and had it available for pickup, and I was itching to know what it was. We get to the store, and the bitch bought me an Apple TV. I'm not shitting you, another Apple thing that I've been wanting for a long ass time. Bitch always comes through. I love her so much. So literally, this Post-Christmas was sponsored by Apple haha. I'm in love with the Apple TV, it's so easy to use, and now I can start buying more digital stuff and leave the DVDs in the past. Except Grey's, Simpsons, and maybe Will & Grace. Benzo and I got Alejandro's, after we went to AT&T and got her an iPhone X! Both super wonderful events haha.

And, on Christmas Day, I asked Allen what he was doing this weekend for the New Year, and he read my mind and asked about us getting together for New Years. And then he read my mind again Tuesday, after I was talking to Sam in Asset about wanting to go to a wine tasting, and then later that night...he asked if I wanted to go to a wine tasting with him Friday haha. The guy's just really great. I actually bought him a Christmas gift during this Post-Christmas joy, so I'm hoping to surprise him by telling him about it this weekend. So basically what I'm saying is Christmas was a little rocky, but Post-Christmas, as I'm officially coining it this year, was amazing. Maybe next year can be a little easier, but honestly, Post-Christmas for the win. I'm just super thankful for this year and everything I've been blessed with, that honestly, I can't really ask for much more.

Guest starring this Christmas but being billed as Main Cast during Post-Christmas,

-- Justin

Screwdriver Nights

| Now Playing: Christmases When You Were Mine by Taylor Swift |

Please take down the mistletoe,
'Cause I don't wanna think about that right now.
'Cause everything I want is miles away,
In a snow covered little town.
My mama's in the kitchen,
Worryin' about me.
Season's greetings, hope you're well.
Well I'm doing alright,
If you were wondering.
Lately I can never tell.
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time,
But there were Christmases when you were mine.

I've been doing fine without you, really,
Up until the nights got cold.
And everybody's here except you, baby.
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold.
But for me it's just a lonely time,
'Cause there were Christmases when you were mine.

Merry Christmas everybody,
That'll have to be something I just say this year.
Bet you got your mom another sweater,
And were your cousins late again?
When you were putting up the lights this year,
Did you notice one less pair of hands?
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time,
But there were Christmases when I didn't,
Wonder how you are tonight.
'Cause there were Christmases when you were mine.
You were mine.
___________________________________________________________________

In the spirit of me getting into the holiday cheer mere days before Christmas actually descends upon the masses, a little Taylor Swift holiday song appears in the NP haha. And I swear, I do actually listen to other music than Taylor Swift sometimes. But only sometimes haha. Now that I've featured, and rightfully so because it's such an incredible album, every song off of reputation, we can get into other music haha.

So the past few days have been pretty much consumed by two things: Work and alcohol, in that order. The past two days in particular have been absolutely insane as far as work goes. No, I'm serious. Insane. It's absolutely unreal the amount of people that are last minute shopping this year. This is my fifth year here, my fifth holiday here, and I've never seen in this bad. Today, for instance, looked like Black Friday, and that's saying something. Because NO DAY looks like Black Friday, but this was easily comparable. THAT'S how crazy it was, and how crazy it has been. Today was definitely better than the day before, only because I actually had adequate, or any period, help moving stuff out to the department. Roughly 15 carts came out of the back today. I'd say that's definitely an accomplishment, but I couldn't have done it without the help I was given today, no joke.

I'm a little annoyed, despite my heart and mindset finally connecting with the holiday at hand, by one thing that's Christmas involved. Every year, like reliable clockwork, Christmas always works the same for me. I always go to my mom's in the early morning, and then I head to my grandparents. Now while this is a little different, since I'm living with my grandparents, but honestly, I think it's always worked that way even with that taken into account. But there's this weird energy, in my opinion, concerning Christmas at my mom's. For instance, there's all the unsettled, undiscussed issues going on with my brother's attitude lately, then factoring in my mom's boyfriend, who I do genuinely like as a person, but he's just a little off in the manner of...I don't even know how to phrase it. He's just got some deep seeded issues, and no matter how well he's coping or doing, it just makes my defense mechanism in regards to my mom lock and go into full protect mode. I know there's nothing that I can do really in this situation, but I just feel like something is off this year. For once, I know this makes me sound like an utter bitch, but I really don't want his kids there?? I know, I know. That's a horrible thing to say. It's just that, and this is just a raw indication of how I feel, like my mom has the tendency to...lean? That's a good way to put it. She has a tendency to lean on her relationships a little too much. And by this I mean that it's awarded her laser focus, and I feel like her own wants, or needs, take a back burner. Maybe that's just a water sign trait, because I've definitely been guilty of this in the past, but it just sucks to see her still going through that sort of thing. And in this respect, I feel like she's sort of making sure that he's taken care of this Christmas, not even gift wise, just in a general sort of consideration. I feel like she's making sure that he's having the best Christmas, and her wants for him this Christmas take precedence over anything else.

Again, I'm really not trying to be a bitch. But factoring all those things together, it just makes me miss how things were last year. Hell, last Christmas was the first Christmas IN HISTORY that it was just me, my mom, and my brother having our Christmas at her house. No boyfriends from any party, no bystanders, just us. And that Christmas will always have such a place in my heart. Not because I'm unwilling to accept change or anything, I just have a lot of...hang-ups when it comes to that relationship, and it's low-key affecting my relationship with her, because I'm getting annoyed with her that she's letting it happen, but what can I do? I'm an adult, and I should just get over it. Not that I should have to just feel sort of neglected or like I'm placed on the back burner, but I've made it a point in being a being ready to adapt, like some type of gay, I've-endured-the-cruelty-of-the-world-being-gay-and-i-come-from-a-family-of-divorce chameleon. I guess we'll have to see how it goes, I suppose. I'm just...not looking forward to it, and I really hate to even say that, but I don't know. Maybe I should just quit complaining and be thankful.

So the past week or so, something else that's happened, is after dinner, I keep falling asleep for like an hour. Did I mention that before? If I did, oh well. But yeah, that's been an occurrence lately. But the past two days have been the evenings filled with after work screwdrivers, and honestly, they've just been a blessing. Maybe minus my drunken flirting with Allen, because I'm a mess. Yesterday was great because he was being playfully teasing and I was into it, but today, I was definitely more drunk than yesterday, and I think I was coming off a little strong. I don't know, I've just been enjoying the after work cocktails, and I really want to get some margarita ingredients so I can have after work margaritas haha.

Speaking of coming off strong, or honestly, maybe not, I really like Allen. Like, I really like Allen. It's something that I wasn't expecting or looking for, and while it's definitely a little scary, it's so exciting. Honestly, I had just reserved myself for single days and nights, well, honestly, forever. I had made peace with that, even if I did have that longing for connecting with someone. And now that I have connected with someone and we're continuing to connect, it just feels so great. And I know we've only gone on one official date, and then I went to that get together at his house last weekend, but we've talked every single day since the day we connected, and that's meant so much to me. The thing is, I don't know if it's too soon to talk about, like, being official? I don't know, I'm not very good at like the "rules" or anything that goes along with dating because I'm just not good at dating. I'm good at being alone. But that doesn't mean that I want to be alone, you know? I want to bring it up, but I really don't want to fuck this up, because in case you've forgotten, I really like Allen. It's just, I don't know. It's hard for me to articulate just what this beautiful guy does to me. He's just so pure and funny, and he makes me want to be a better version of myself. I don't know, these are just the ramblings of my sputtering heart I guess, and I don't even know what I'm going on about now haha. I just really like him a lot.

Well, now that I'm completely sobered up from my drunken stupor, and the hour and a half nap that it lead to earlier in the evening, and I'm feeling a second wave of consciousness, I guess that's it? I have to work tomorrow, good ol' Christmas Eve, but only at noon and only for four hours, so that's good. I think I'll settle into bed with the Simpsons, like I've been doing on my "I need something happy and whimsical" kick while on my That '70s Show embargo in leui of this "happy and whimsical" feeling haha. I'm really digging this new blog format, by the way. Just pouring out my feelings and ramblings, I could get used to this.

Eyes full of liquor soaked nights,

-- Justin

The Zero Place

| Now Playing: New Year's Day by Taylor Swift |

There's glitter on the floor after the party,
Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby.
Candlewax and polaroids on the hardwood floor,
You and me from the night before, but.

Don't read, the last page
But I stay, when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away.
I want, your midnights,
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.

You squeeze me hands three times in the back of the taxi,
I can tell that it's gonna be a long road.
I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe,
Or if you strike out and you're crawling home.

Don't read, the last page
But I stay, when it's hard or it's wrong or you're making mistakes.
I want, your midnights,
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day.

Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
Hold on, to the memories
They will hold on to you.
And I will hold on to you.
_______________________________________________________________________

This blog is going to be a little different. Actually, it's going to be a lot different, I think from here on out, actually. I don't want to "recap" my days anymore. Honestly, they're just full of rage from work, and that's just not what I'm about. Or rather, it's not what I want to be about anymore. I want this to be a stream of raw consciousness, from me to the reader. Sure, this is about me I guess, since it is my blog and all, but I'm sort of over this whole "Here's what I did on Monday, here's what I did on Tuesday" motif that I've sort of been reveling in since I starting blogging again, and definitely since this blog started. When it first started, this was just a place to house my feelings, not a daily reel on what I did throughout my day. I'm still going to have a 'Now Playing' in every blog, because I love music, and I want to share the music I'm listening to, even if it's just so a future version of myself can look back and say "Hey! I remember that song! I remember how I felt when I was really zoned in on that song.". I just want to get back to blogging, I guess. Sharing my feelings. Sharing the struggles. Just not recapping. I'm sorry, recapping can't come to the phone right now. Why? Because she's dead. (You know I had to sneak some Taylor in there).

The whole new outlook on what this blog will become actually derived from work today, so I am going to get into that a little bit. I was off yesterday, and I was sort of really dreading work this morning. With everything that happened on Monday, something just wasn't sitting right with me. So I was worried. I mean, Monday was a horrid day to begin with, full of company visits and said company going through my bookbag without my permission. It just really stressed me out. And with how vocal I am at work (which is something that I'm trying to grab the reigns on, because being this mass of angry one-liners is just really making me into something I never intended to be), I was worried that, for a lack of a better analogy, my actions (here meaning words) would have consequences. I just don't like being someone who's angry and everything. And while I don't think I'll ever to be able to truly let my feelings not be known, I don't want to be angry. Anger has never been something that I've wanted to be a part of. It was my problem before when I was working here, and I don't want that to happen again. I'm still going to be sassy, because I'm just a sassy bitch, and I'll throw out one-liners because that's just what I do. But it's no longer going to come from a place of anger.

Today while I was at work, coming back from a day off, and seeing so much. So much here means three pick carts and four breakpacks just left for me to deal with, I got so angry. I'm was so angry because I work so hard, and work so hard to be the best that I can be while I'm at work, and being angry really...it just has no room. That's how I came to what I'm now referring to The Zero Place. Because it's quite clear that, no matter how much I speak out, no matter what evidence I bring forth, no matter what I do, no matter what makes me angry, it's not going to change. And if it's not going to change, then I have to. And my change, is just letting go of it. Letting go of that anger, of that "weight of the world on my shoulders" mentality when it comes to work. I've just got to quit caring so much about how I'm doing, or what's going on around me, because certain things just won't change. So I started doing some deep breathing while I was in the backroom, and just got to my Zero Place. I don't know why, but I instantly pictured, like, a beautifully lit field. A slight breeze, it feels like it's 73 and perfect, and it's just peaceful. No hate, no prejudice, just serenity.

And I don't know why, but that just really helped me get back to zero. To refresh, to recharge. After I kept thinking about The Zero Place in general, I just felt better. Things aren't going to change at work, it's not going to get less chaotic, but my mind can be. I even started making up my own musical theater song (because I thought The Zero Place is a place where showtunes reign supreme haha) called A Wonderful Place For Me And You. I don't even remember how it went, because I was just singing lyrics out of my head into thin air, but it doesn't matter. I just felt connected to this hypothetical place where I could feel okay again. Then I started thinking about it further, and if one song could feel the way that I picture this place, this serene calm, it would be Never Let You Go by Jakaranda. Aka, the song that plays in the Wedding Dress photoshoot scene in The Parent Trap. You know, the one (the better one, in my opinion) that starred a young Lindsay Lohan? It's one of my favorite films ever, but that song's atmosphere is The Zero Place.

And even throughout the rest of the day, not caring about the non-changes that will never take place at work didn't bother me. With every instance, I just kept thinking "The Zero Place" in my head, and I was okay. I was back in the field, with the singular tree behind me (think the place in The Knowing where the kids go after the end of the world? Except WAY less moody and more 'perfect day' blue and sunshine), just feeling carefree. I want to feel the same way that I do outside of work, while I'm working. I want to be the same person I am outside of work, while I'm working. And I think with The Zero Place, I can achieve that. I know this probably sounds really stupid, but it's all just a massive metaphor for me learning to deal with the animosity that breeds around work. Just take a look at my earlier posts, riddled with work ridicule. I just can't do it anymore.

On Monday after work, I got to work on writing for the first time in what felt like forever. Truly. And this isn't recapping, I swear, but it's just important because it'd been a little while. Starting chapter eight felt amazing, even though that started way before Monday after work, and during my day off on Tuesday, when I wrote more, it just clicked for me how happy I was. Writing, doing what I love. I know I've said it time and time again, but writing is what I'm meant to do. Being a storyteller, a craftsman of creative plots, it's just what I was put on this Earth to do. And I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I will, someday, make a living off of it. It's just in the cards for me.

Alright, so I guess we're bringing this blog to a close, or this blog's sun is setting quickly over the brim of the horizon. I don't know, I just felt like this blog needed a change, not just my work attitude. Since...a while, this blog has been a graveyard of work details, a myriad of work bashing that I just can't do because...what am I helping? Who am I helping? Certainly not myself. It's good to get it out, and to vent and everything of that nature, but that's not what this blog was meant for. I want this blog to be a place where I can ebb my feelings into, where I can have safe space to allow my thoughts to live, where I can remember the struggles I'm facing for that inevitable day when I can make this, writing, like I'm doing on this very blog, my livelihood.

Finally at zero,

-- Jesse Justin