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| Now Playing: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey |

I'm feeling electric tonight,
Cruising down the coast, Going 'bout 99.
Got my bad baby by my heavenly side,
I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight.

Oh, my god, I feel it in the air,

Telephone wires, above, are sizzling like a snare.

Honey I'm, on fire, I feel it everywhere.

Nothing scares me anymore.

Kiss me hard before you go,

Summertime sadness.

I just want you to know,

That baby you the best.

__________________________________________________________________

So the past few days have absolutely flown by. Almost right after I posted my last blog, I heard back from my dad about using the truck and that everything was going according to plan to move the rest of my stuff on Sunday. And even though I wanted to do it alone, it ended up being better than he helped me in a way, mainly because I was pretty warn out from my first day in Toys and everything that went along with preparing for that said first day.

We moved everything that remained of mine. The house was empty, as Mom was out, which also ended up being the best because I just get too much anxiety when both my parents are in the same space, for reasons I still don't really understand. It was so HOT. Too hot. Literally Lucifer sweating hot, like previously mentioned. But it wasn't too bad moving the mattress and my bookcase and my desk. They're all pretty easy to move, save that one has the room to move them. I did a little unpacking when we got back, but not too much, because I was sort of wiped out, both physically from the heat and mentally because of what my dad wanted to talk about. The things going on with my step-brother are just...weird. Scary and weird. I think for times to come in the future I'm going to be just really triggered by bikers.

Being back in Toys on Monday was nice, felt a little more familiar. Everyone was there, so it was a little easier as far as having Morgan as a reference to the behemoth that is Toys at times. But everything work wise went well, both Monday and Tuesday. Except for 1. having 500 price changes in Toys on Monday morning and April leaving me emails on both days. Monday, she wanted me to do all of 2 and 46's price changes and counts, as well as 8's, and also 8's section work. Then it was added to do 46's section work. Needless to say, it didn't happen. On either day. But work wasn't bad. I'm getting the hang of dealing with freight into my day, but I'm just worried about added features and stuff coming in. But I supposed that'll be dealt with as it comes.

Lana Del Rey has furthered bled into my eardrum. I've been randomly hearing Summertime Sadness in my head and bursting out into the song randomly. Tuesday though, I kept hearing this certain part of Vacation by Superfruit stuck in my head, but ultimately, Lana has churned my inner ear more than the wonderful delicacies of Superfruit.

And then today, I was off. It was a fairly good. I got to sleep in a little bit, so that was wondrous. I started to do laundry, as all of my clothes are dirty from the move and whatnot, and I FINALLY got everything unpacked, sorted, and organized! I'm finally feeling like I'm 100% here and in the moment. And hopefully, I'll be here until things open up for me, especially after my grandma said "I want you to stay here until you find your place". That's really encouraging, I'm just worried about the uncle factor potentially ruining that in December. I actually did one of the few things I set out to do today, aside from getting everything unpacked and situated. I wrote a little bit, to Lana like I was hoping to do, and it went amazing. Lana's lyrics and narrative are really really triumphant when it comes to the vibe of the music working well with what I'm writing. So I couldn't be happier that that worked out. Only, I couldn't really write a whole lot because my hand started to really hurt, and I didn't want to push it to heavily.

I slept for like an hour while trying to watch more of American Gods. Episode 2 didn't fair too well with me, only because I was so tired for some reason and fell asleep during it. But I'll eventually get back to it. After watching an episode of Charmed, it's time for Biiiiiiiiiiig Brotherrrrrr. So I'm going to watch that and relax.

Turning the page,

-- Jesse

Minus

| Now Playing: Worth It (Perfect) by Superfruit |

I gotta walk away,
Can't handle the dangerous games that you play.
Not tryna change you babe,
So keep on, Keep on.
I gotta look away,
Tried to write at your tempo but I can't keep up.
Not tryna change you babe,
So keep on, Keep on.

Ooh, yeah. And it was perfect.
Ooh, yeah. And no I don't regret it.

You pull me under, Give me something I never had,

Push me over with no time to push back.

I never felt so good or so bad, Went to hell and back,

But it was worth it.

_____________________________________________________________

It's only been four days since I last posted, and already so much has c h a n g e d. Weird is a word that comes to mind when thinking of the past three days and just how much has happened during each and every one of them.

Firstly, Thursday. Oh, Thursday. You were quite...altering, weren't you? Work has been the main focus of most of this change, the overall change during the past three days. I was working like normal, working that Pets manager life like a bitch do on the dail. And right before lunch, I get pulled into the office. Now, because of past experiences, I instantly get nervous when this happens, because they like to pull some quick shit and make people disappear, but I was told right off the bat from the even managerier manager that it wasn't a bad thing. But being the paranoid bitch that I am, I recorded the entire conversation on the sly.

Anyways, basically I was asked to move departments. Of course I use the word "asked" here as a very loose term meaning "We're just letting you know that you're moving departments." If it were a different department than Toys, one of the three departments I would actually accept working in, it would be a different story. But I've also been feeling very complacent in Pets lately because I can't do anything to help it anymore (With that damn pesky ass OSCA cackling in the corner, teasing me for it's lack of rising). So I "accepted", a term which here means "accepted the terms and conditions of everything else people set in stone", and went about my day, dealing with leaving a department that's been such a safety zone to me lately. I was literally told the words "you have a choice, but everything's set in motion".

Then after work, I fell into a hole I never thought I'd fall into. A hole of music that for so long was so foreign and...different that I had zero interest in discovering for myself. But because of the need for more music to write to, even though I don't know exactly how I found myself staring into this hole, it happened.

I fell in love with Lana Del Rey.

I know, I know. I'm hella late. It's just that she's never really appealed to me before. And I'm a huge believer that you have to discover an artist when the time is right and on your own terms. But I started listening to her Born To Die album, and it was all over. I think it'll be perfect to write to, and her narrative and her lyrics are just really interesting. That, and no one is really doing what she's doing right now, it's very different and very her. However, her Ultraviolence album? I couldn't get into. Which I hated, because I love the name. I listened to her Honeymoon album as well, and I liked about half of it. Born To Die just did it for me though. I'm keeping an eye out for her forthcoming album, Lust For Life. Even her Paradise EP was really grooving my soul.

And yesterday was weird because it was my last day in Pets, and I wasn't really ready to say goodbye to my comfortable companion. But everything happens for a reason, and I think it's been coming for a while now. I'm ready for the change. I just hope I can do as well, or even better, than I was able to do in Pets. It was spent trying to savor my last day in the department and telling everyone around me what was going on. I'm going to really miss being so connected to my Consumables Crew (Minus the one, no aPaulogies) but I'm super excited for the change. Plus, I think it's fitting that I'm moving from Department 8 down to Department 7. I hope to measure up to the praise I received from multiple co-workers about how well I maintained Pets.

Friday was also the day I returned back to my mom's house, back to the trailer. I was going to go back after work Tuesday, but after everything that happened, I needed a reprieve. I probably mentioned that in Saturday's blog, but call me a parrot because I'm repeating it girl. The return went well. Everyone was there of course, my brother was back from his dad's, so it was a full house and the full house was sweltering in full heat. It is so damn hot there. The central air isn't enough. ISN'T ENOUGH. Which is crazy. The metal box of the trailer is just cooking everyone. I can't portray exactly how damn hot it is. Just picture Lucifer himself sweating. That hot. Times eleven. Times infinity. Literally no joke.

I went straight into pack mode. I worked so hard Friday, getting the summer stuff done so I could have a real first day in Toys that I was wore the fuck out. So I was probably over doing it with as much as I was getting done. I got "all my books", a phrase here meaning a literal fuckton, packed away in TWO large trunks. I really have too many (not enough) books. And other various things that I saved for this return. Then it was time to load up the car, and my brother graciously helped with that. Then Mom sat down to talk, to update me on things, and so I could update her on everything changing hither and thither around work.

Things are better, light peeping out of the dark corridors from the folds of Monday. I'm super glad that the case seems to be, well, I won't say solved. On the way to solved. Yeah, that'll do. And even a little...intrigued? that I'm the inspiration behind his said turnaround. There's just a lot of progress to be made in the trust department on my end. And that's just the way cookie crumbles, Marty. But I'm glad things are a LOT better there. It's wondrous what a difference a week makes. But I still have tomorrow, Sunday, when I'm supposed to grab my big furniture, the remaining pieces of my move, over here to the house. I have reservations on this happening because of the unanswered text that lies unreplied in my inbox from my dad. Either way, I want it to be final already. So I can stop, stressing you know? Maybe I'll be able to use my grandma's car and maybe, by some miracle, it'll all fit. I wouldn't have my doubts if it weren't for that gloriously beautiful and equally massive bookcase I have. Maybe it'll work out. I'll have my faith and let it swirl in the wind, or whatever inspirational phrase I'm trying to express right there.

And then there was the small blessing Friday night of the Sims 4 Summer Sale on Origin, and I got the City Living expansion for half price. It's the little things in life that bring me the greatest joy.

Today was the first day in Toys. It was good. Better than good. But I feel like it was mainly alleviated by my proaction of moving the summer stuff around so I could focus on the department. And there was live freight, but it was very minimal. My worry lies in the hefty live freight that is inevitably going to plague me. I was running around all day, and busy all day, and got everything done without a hitch, but also barely with ten minutes to spare before the end of my shift. Therein lies my worry. But all in all, it seems like it's going to be a good change.

Minus the small disappointment in the phone call / FaceTime that was supposed to happen tonight, that I was looking forward to / getting nervous about all evening, the past few days have been super detailed and busy, but very good. I'm looking forward to enjoying what I can of my day off tomorrow with the impending loom of more moving, and gracious that I have a break in the week in the form of another day off to help me to better transition into Toys. Because there's a major impending reset that I'll have to go on overnights for a week to deal with. Luckily I'll have help, but having that on my mind means I'm grasping at any aid I can.

Also, a great honorable mention for the NP. I was going to feature Woman by Kesha, because its a mothereffing BOP, but Superfruit's Worth It (Perfect) has literally been waking me up from sleep it's been in my head so much.

And now, Joseph Birdsong is doing some gaming streaming. Like I said, it's the little things.

Subtracting the negatives,

-- Jesse

Vantablack

| Now Playing: Learning How To Lose You by Nashville Cast |

'Cause baby,

I'm still learning how to lose you.

Like the kick back from a smoking gun,

It takes some getting used to.

And I can't unpull the trigger,

I can't make you call.

And these ghosts I treat like lovers,

Ain't been helping me at all.

_____________________________________________________________________

To say that this initial start to the week has been pushing me beyond my breaking point and beyond even an emergency breaking point, is the severest of understatements. After dealing with my decision to move from Bedford to Salem, I thought all was well. That wasn't the case when Monday rolled around. I was at work, dealing with the mental struggle of telling my mom about my subsequent move and all those emotions dealing with that, which turned out to be alright in the end. But I wasn't prepared for that thunderous hell cloud swarming around the trailer when I got there after work.

I won't go into detail, but it was dark. Obsidian dark. I'm talking Vantablack dark. If you don't know what Vantablack is, look it up, it's incredible. But I digress. Things were so murky and morose that I proceeded to pretty much cry over the course of the four hours that everything was going on at the trailer. Finally, I came back to my grandparents, aka the new home (for a third time), and somehow fell asleep.

Work hasn't been too bad, probably the universe's way of keeping me in balance since everything with home life is going kind of crazy right now. I keep checking up on my mom because of what happened Monday night, and she seems to be holding up alright. But still, I feel guilty for leaving while this Vantablack stuff is going down. I just love her so much and want the best for her. I talked to her again today, and she seems better, so I'm forever grateful for that. I hope that trend rises for both of us as we head into the weekend.

Luckily, I've had my ride or die, my best friend, my Benzo, to keep me sane through everything. From me being literally a car wreck waiting to happen Monday night to just being the angel that she is on a daily basis has been making me feel better. Plus, she is an angel of the Lord and bought me a Blu-Ray player today (Insert cry face emoji times four) and honestly, I've really needed one for a while now. Especially with moving into this big room at my grandparents house and having to use the Wii for Netflix (Insert first world problems eye roll emoji times eight). And during her unveiling to me of said surprise purchase, she was talking about her disdain for red shirts (A disdain that were both happen to share) and she referred to it as "The Clifford Complex" and I about PASSED OUT from laughing. That's why I love her, her ability to always bring me back to myself.

I'm really holding out that as the weekend crescendos upon me, things just keep getting better. Aside from this stomach pain I'm having today and feeling overly nauseated, I'm feeling better and better about Monday and all it's unravelings. Plus, Big Brother comes on in, like, an hour haha. *Proceeds to suppress reality and only care about Big Brother drama to escape life's woes*. Literally me on the dail.

The darkest material ever created,

-- Jesse

Hitting #100

| Now Playing: Praying by Kesha |

'Cause you brought the flames,
And you put me through hell.
I had to learn how to fight for myself.
And we both know all the truth I could tell.
I'll just say this, Is I wish you farewell.

I hope you're somewhere praying, Praying.

I hope you're soul is changing, Changing.

I hope you find your peace,

Fallen on your knees.

Praying.

_______________________________________

The rest of this week has tried it, hunty. Literally tried to go straight for the jugular with a vice gripped jaw with unquenchable blood lust. But I've somehow come out the other side of what has mostly been emotional warfare with a clear head, and a clear solution.

Work has tried it's hardest to get me down, but I might have just finally made my way to getting the best out of my job without having the negative and toxic mind games effect me at all. So that's a triumph in and of itself. By the time Friday finally came around, I was so ready to see the weekend through that I almost didn't know what to do with myself. And I didn't end up having to take working this weekend on, so that's just an added bonus because I honestly don't think that I would have been able to handle it on a mental level.

As you can see from the Now Playing above, Kesha has a new song out for the first time in FIVE years. It's so amazing to me that this comeback is not only way beyond overdue, but also that the song is absolutely incredible is just a testament to Kesha's strength. I'm just so happy to see her returning to the music scene with an insatiably drawn fist. And the song has spoken volumes to me personally and it's just a song that I've felt like I've really, really needed lately.

I also had some pseudo-plans today, Saturday, but they've fallen through. Partly do to poor communication on both parties involved, but also because I got a text this morning that has threatened the safety of my living situation for the absolutely last time, in my mind, and I've just finally got to do something about it. Apparently, putting me through a razor wire field of anxiety and anger for two weeks straight wasn't enough. Now, because of this certain even happening at the place where I'm living, I'm being force-fed a choice that I didn't want to make in the first place. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, lease of all the woman who gave me life. But a two bedroom trailer housing five individuals, three of them being adults, is just not enough room for everyone to live comfortably. Plus, I've been sort of living between there and here at my grandparents' house for a while now, mainly initiated by the said event of more people being in the trailer, and I've been trying to grow my online presence as far as keeping this blog updated as well as trying to extend my Goodreads presence, all of which requires internet, and the trailer is so far out in the country that the feat of WiFi is strictly impossible. So, therein lies the choice.

It's just time for me to move back into my grandparents' house. Sure, it worries me to death because the reason I moved out in the first place was because of a family member. And granted, that family member is no longer here, but the prospect of them coming back by possibly December toys with me in ways that flash me back to when he was here, and the bout of hardships it put on me to live within them. But, I have got to get serious about saving up money. And I feel like that's only going to work better by living back in Salem. I'll save on gas, for one. I'm closer to work, so if I end up staying after, it's not as big of a deal. It's just the better place for me to be right now. And that's okay. I just don't want to feel guilty about leaving my mom. I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can, but that's even hard now, even by living together. We have all these things going on, and I know we can't live together forever. I think I just got swept up into the fantasy of it all.

In some much less heart-heavy ramblings, my book reached A HUNDRED downloads on Smashwords! SO EXCITING. If anyone reading this (Not that I assume anyone but myself is seeing it haha) has downloaded Sever on Smashwords, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for downloading it and deeming it interesting enough to do so. As usual, I'd love to hear some feedback, so don't hesitate to leave a review on Smashwords or Goodreads or even Amazon if you like. All mediums of review are graciously accepted.

Now that I've come to terms with what's happening with my living situation and the idea of moving here soon, I'm focusing on drawing up the plans for chapter five of the new book by tonight. Having everything placed effectively is my goal for tonight. So I'm going to do my damnedest to make that a reality. I'm just glad I can be rational about how my life is going right now, and not slumping into the familiar and rather comfortable arms of depression over what's happening. I'm better than that. And as Kesha has so reminded me this week, I can make it on my own.

Always praying,

-- Jesse