Ain't That About A Bitch

| Now Playing: I Know You All Over Again by Trixie Mattel |

Is it wrong if I listen,
To songs that we lived in?
The stories are stayin the same.
I lie by the speaker,
Just getting weaker,
Until I remember your name.

And I don't call you when I cry,
And I don't up and go away.
Mostly I'm fine, most of the time
I get by like I said.

I haven't been drinking,
I haven't been thinking,
Of lonely, if onlys, and then.
And then I see you,
And I know you all over again.
And then I see you,
And I love you all over again.
_______________________________________________________

Night #4 of not getting sleep. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to sleep, I want to rest. But that didn't happen for me Wednesday night. I literally wish I could find out what was wrong with me, having this awful luck getting to sleep. But Thursday really tried it work wise. So after the craziness over whether or not my mods were getting done the day before, they actually did them. And they left me a cart of EIGHT breakpacks full of stuff they said was "deleted". Only, upon further inspection, most of it was mod, and they must not have felt like doing it. Or overstock, that they also didn't want to deal with. I was livid. I found Seanathan Michael Preston (Whom I've been calling Preston for short, and I've gotten other people to start doing the same and it's HILARIOUS) and told him the wonderful news, and he wasn't too happy about it either.

For lunch, me and LunchCrew2K17 headed for something different and went to El Rodeo for lunch. I didn't realize they had a buffet for lunch. MEXICAN. BUFFET. Clearly, I was in heaven. And the food was SO GOOD. Ugh, I can still taste how perfectly seasoned the chicken was. The rest of the work day was me sorting through the breakpacks. I got everything down to four boxes, which is good progress. I left it with the direction of either Skyler or overnight to at least get rid of the breakpack of active mod, but did that happen after I got another night of no sleep? No. I stayed up past midnight because people thought that Taylor might release a song for Friday the 13th. But that didn't happen, so thing were back to normal.

Friday was a pretty good day. I spent the day getting rid of the breakpacks that they didn't have the effort to do, I guess. Thank I guess. So LunchCrew2K17 reunited, with a new friend from the trainco, and we hit up Pizza Hut's buffet, and I'm a broke bitch, but Teresa the true MVP and backed my ass. And then something crazy happened. I got on Tumblr and people were posting stuff about Swift Life and a bitch was frantic thinking that it dropped. But apparently, it was only available in New Zealand and Singapore, beta testing for the real launch. And Destiny had no idea that Singapore was a real place haha, so that was fun. And there was this hottie eating along in a perfectly fitted green shirt too, and Destiny and I were THIRSTY bitch, Thirstie Alley. What is it with Pizza Hut and having hot guys as customers? Ya bitch is fucking into it. This guy was tall and bearded and a raven kissed God. Damn.

Then when I got home, Tumblr was going crazy because bitch THERE WAS A REPUTATION SECRET SESSION IN LONDON. Like WHAT?! how is that a thing?? No one had any idea that Taylor would do the Secret Sessions again after 1989, and I'm just so happy for everyone who got to go, even though she's feeling Bitter Betty as an alter ego. Then I hopped on Nacha (kaleidoscopeofourmemories on Tumblr)'s Insta live stream, and we had a fun time chatting together, mostly just the two of us most of the time. So then info about the Secret Sessions started pouring in and reputation is being described as "More lyrically sharp than Speak Now, more emotional than Red, and a better pop album than 1989." HOW. HOW?  Someone else said it's the Speak Now of pop albums, and another person called it "Better than Red". I'M SO FUCKING SHOOK.

Today, on my day off, I finally got some much needed rest. Isn't it sad that the only good sleep I've gotten this past week was during my days off? Ugh. I'm over it. But today was great. I didn't do any writing because today was totally my Lays Potato Chip day. I've been playing Splatoon 2 all day because there's another Splatfest going on, Vampires vs. Werewolves (I'm TeamVamp, obvi) so that's been fun. Then I super cleaned my room and car because both of them needed it really bad. Did some laundry, washed those black pants I've been wearing to work and repurposed them as shorts because I really need some good black shorts to wear when I'm NOT at work, and I want to wear them to the family get together that's happening tomorrow. I'm gonna be wearing my black rep shirt too and just make myself black as my heart. So that's gonna be fun. Watched a new movie on Netflix, The Babysitter, pretty good. Hashed out some details with Benzo about this impending impromptu trip to Nashville next month, right after reputation drops to go see Maggie Stiefvater! I'm super excited. And now? Now I'm headed to bed. This blog is super watered down compared to the last one, but ya know haha.

Oh, and also? I cut my damn finger making a sandwich today. ON A PLASTIC KNIFE. Literally, my personality in a nutshell. And the title of this blog is just one of my many sayings, but I've been saying it a lot lately. Plus, I'm a bitch so.

A bitch at heart,

-- Jesse

BINGO 2: Gloria Gladys

| Now Playing: The Last Time by Taylor Swift |

Find myself at your door,
Just like all those times before.
I'm not sure, how I got there,
All roads they lead me here.
I imagine you are home,
In your room all alone.
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything is better.
And right before your eyes, I'm breaking.
No past, no reasons why.
Just you and me.

This is the last time I'm asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list.
This is the last time I'm asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye.

Find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before.
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave.
All the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again.
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better.
And right before your eyes, I'm aching.
No past, nowhere to hide.
Just you and me.

This is the last time you say that I've got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it's been you all alone.
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore.

This is the last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you this.
This is the last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you,
Last time I'm asking you this.
_____________________________________________________________

Surprisingly, I didn't get woken up this morning by any sort of home renovating that is going on currently. And ya girl slept in until noon again because apparently I has a problem. It felt good to sleep in though, because life goes back to normal on Monday (It's currently Sunday when I'm writing this) and I'm still trying to prepare myself for what's bound to happen tomorrow. I'm not even remotely ready for it, sis.

Today was sort of my day that I really wanted to be productive and do more writing, but it just ended up being my Lays Potato Chips day. I think I was just sort of tapped out from how much I wrote both during work Friday and then Friday night, as well as almost ALL day Saturday. I sat down to write, but it just wasn't happening. So I fell down a hole of watching videos and Tumblr and stuff like that, and Taylor Swift was COMMENTING on people's livestreams on Instagram. Like, what? I even went live a few times while playing some Splatoon, but no Taylor. I wouldn't expect any less haha.

But the renovating was happening pretty much throughout the whole day. I've never in my life, throughout the various stages of growing up and multiple times of living here seen the hallway leading through the laundry room to my grandparents bedroom empty. The hutch has always been there, so that was a trip to see. I had to help Ian hold up one of the boards up to the ceiling, but yeah. Fun times here lately.

Then, my grandma wanted KFC for dinner, and me to go get it of course, but ours is renovating, so that was a no go. We opted for pizza, and that was...something. Firstly, I got there around the time that they said it would be ready,  so I waited. And my ear acted up but GIRL, while I was waiting, this hottie came in, lord Jesus. Dirty blond hair, scruffy, just ugh. He was so hot. Anyway, I kept catching him looking at me and I was like GIRL LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN. But they called his order first, and he headed out. Shout out to Matt because, girl. Thank you for giving me a view.

I came home, watched a few videos, and played Splatoon and livestreamed on Instagram. And now, I'm watching this very inspiring interview of Claire Wineland on Shane Dawson's podcast, and it just wants me to be a better person? She has Cystic Fibrosis, and I don't know. She's just a super inspiring person, and I love her. It really makes me want to work out and just live my best life? So maybe after this podcast, I'll get to work on that, before I take a shower and everything.

Yeah, that didn't happen. I mean, I super wanted to, but effort and Lays Potato Chips and exhaustion. Heading back to work wasn't too bad, had my coffee in my new black 30oz at the ready with me so it wasn't too bad. It was actually a pretty good day work wise. There wasn't that much freight, but I kept getting pulled in about a million different direction because it felt like no one was there, several DM's were either off or called in, so it was just chaotic in that respect, but ya know. And I made my signature face (The one I make when I don't like something haha) to Seanathan Michael Preston (I added a new name to him because I felt like I needed more syllables, plus it sounds like I'm chastising him so it works) and he hurled over in a fit of laughter, so that was fun. But also, home girl got the T. There's so many moves happening, and possibly ventures of less stress for me that I'm really hoping work out, but ya know. We shall see, I suppose.

During work, Benzo messaged me about going to bingo after work, but a bitch broke. But she was willing to offer the funds needed for both of us to play, so I was actually really excited to go. The first (and only) time that we have gone to the Moose, we had a great time playing bingo, it was a great experience, so I was looking forward to having something to look forward to. After work, I started on my boosts since I knew that we were heading over to the Moose soon, and I wanted to get in as much as possible before we left. So once she was here, we hit up the Moose and didn't have too long before the Early Bird game started. It was a blast, as usual. We even saw the sweet old lady that helped us get the hang of everything the last time and I just called her Gloria Gladys betwixt Benzo and myself haha. Basically, I'm always a mess. But anyway, bingo was so much fun. and Benzo won AGAIN. And what did ya girl win? Nadda. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. I was like girl, we've only come here twice, and Benzo's ass won BOTH times?

I was like really bitch? Really? Haha, but all jokes aside, I was super happy that she won, especially since she was paying for me, and she won back most of what it cost for us to get to play. A good time was just had by all. After that, we came back to the house and chilled for a little bit. OH. And I showed her that damn vine that's been plaguing my ass since the other night I watched a compilation and it's been screwing me up ever since. If I can find that damn thing, I'll insert it here. But literally any sort of high pitched humming triggers my fat ass haha. I'm literally the messiest of messes.



I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT MAKES ME LAUGH SO HARD 👹👹👹👹 (For anyone / everyone who doesn't know, that's the emoji I use for my signature HEHEHE laugh. It pretty much sounds like Toad getting a speed boost in Mario Kart tbh). Also, the lady in this vine looks like her name could truly be Gloria Gladys. God love her.

Anyway, so after that spectacle, I did something that I've been thinking of doing for a while now, and that's sort of decluttering my life in certain ways. That night's main focus was makeup, and I sent Benzo home with my collection of Jeffree Star cosmetics. I love them so dearly, but honestly, I added it up, and I've spent a collective total of 1309 dollars for the makeup. That's literally SO INSANE when I think of it. I wanted it so desperately, and I still love his stuff, but I just need to focus on things that I really need. Like a new computer, and dedicating more time to writing, and I just don't have the time that I would like to have to play with makeup. No matter how much I wish I did. So she headed out after we chilled for a bit, and I was so tired. I don't think I've mentioned yet, but Sunday I slept horribly, probably because I was coming back from sleeping in during the weekend, and yeah. Monday night was a repeat of this. I finally started Season 3 of That '70s Show over the weekend, so that's been great, but I just haven't been able to get some much needed rest.

So I woke up yesterday morning, just blah. Not in a mood sense, but just in a general attitude I guess? Like I was just so tired, and needed coffee and lots of it. Honestly, just God bless my 30 oz Ozark. Shout out to those who count. Anyway, work wasn't too bad. Just a lot going on, but I got all my processes done. The new and "improved" (a word which here means lacking actual improvement) price changes screen came down, and all of us were flustered as hell because the managers (And that gotdamn Paul) in charge of learning it so that they can teach us aren't supposed to learn about it until Friday. So basically, it dropped early, and everything was in disarray. But mine personally wasn't too bad. That wasn't the case for today, but ya know. As far as the evening, it went alright. Ian is STILL trying to get this work in the kitchen done (A two day job has now, as of Wednesday, reached Day Five) so that's been annoying. BUT GIRL, WE HAD A TIME DURING LUNCH LET ME SPILL THE TEA.

Okay, so me and the crew, aka the usual LunchCrew2K17, headed back over to Applebee's, because we've let enough time past to where we were ready to indulge in that Double Bacon Chicken Sandwich because bae and we thought us lot were gonna have a great time. But no, that's not exactly what happened. So our server was Corinne (I only know her name because of what happened today, but also we've had her a lot), and we got our allotted beverage, and it was straight, girl. I was MIFFED over the edge, mainly because I hadn't eaten yet for the day, and it hit me like a brick wall. I truly was no more good (Shout out to my angel Jane for that phrase, I miss you dearly, love). But anyway, we ordered off the express lunch, because bae, and Corinne didn't give us a timer. They always have before, even when we've had to ask for it, and they cut some time off for forgetting. Well, we asked her for the timer, and she was like, in a subtle snippy way, "Well, I put in the order at 11:22." Okay, but that's so not the point, we ask for the timer to help YOU, so everyone knows how long it took so YOU don't have to pay for our lunches. But because of her dig, we let it go. Well, then 11:38 rolls around, and she brings Pam and Destiny's food. Corinne then says "I'll have to bring y'all mayonnaise because the kitchen didn't have time to put it on the sandwiches." Girl...it's already been over the 12 minutes in y'alls advertised "12 minutes or its free" that's explained in the express lunch menu. So after we're all like literally what the fuck, Corinne comes back with the mayo (Pam also had to ask for more fries because they LITERALLY gave her like 8, it was sad) and Pam's fries and Pam speaks up (I totally would have as well, to back her up, but honestly, I was so far gone #lightweight) and says "Some of us don't think we should have to pay, only because of the over 12 minutes thing" and Corinne goes, in the most aggressive, nastiest tone, "THAT'S because I was getting the condiments and extra fries." OHHHHHHHH. It's like that is it? Like, it was so unfathomable how hateful she was to Pam, I couldn't even, even if I hadn't been Gone Girl. So Pam politely says "We just think the time should be looked at again" and she EVEN MORE HATEFULLY says "I'll GET MY MANAGER". We were all flabbergasted, to be Pocahonest. And she didn't even send a manager, she sent another server, who was deeply apologetic, but ya know. Pam and I contacted Applebee's about it so. It was just so crazy.

After that whole mess, I came home, worked on boosts, played some Splatoon 2, because it's my only aggressive outlet so that's what I did. Went to bed, couldn't sleep, laid there with That '70's Show, the usual. But also, I've been having such fire photos lately?? Like I act like I'm attractive?? I'm gonna showcase these only because when the hell else am I gonna feel like this again? Plus, I've been pretty artsy with my photos lately, so I'll add some of those too. Gotta preserve that shit.

YASS QUEEN, WERK IT! So yeah, supercool. Still had a really hard time sleeping, probably the worst night yet, probably because the last few nights have all been nights of horrible sleep, but ya know, thank God for coffee, is all I can say. I haven't used that damn Reese's creamer since that first day btw haha. I just can't be bothered. But today was a pretty decent day, until the end was sort of chaotic with the price changes, but we'll get there. So the morning was pretty good because I wasn't overrun with freight, so I actually did pretty good as far as that was concerned, but I didn't have a chance to stay in routine. Go figure. But that's because overnight is just broken. During break after the morning meeting, SOMETHING SWIFTY HAPPENED. I knew something was going to happen this week. I was wishing and hoping and praying that it was going to be the reputation track list, but a girl can dream, and keep dreaming. But something amazing did happen! Taylor announced (How, I still don't know?? I just saw it going around Tumblr and saw if it was on YouTube and she uploaded it to her channel so 🤗🤗) that she's going to be releasing HER OWN SOCIAL MEDIA APP. HOW BLESSED ARE WE TO LIVE IN THE AGE OF TAYLOR ALISON MOTHERFUCKING SWIFT.

Literally so blessed. Here's the video and if you listen closely, you can hear me crying yas queen in the background.

I'm legit going to be on Swift Life 25/8. Like, for real. So that was really super exciting to experience today. No firm date on the release of the app, but I'm hoping either before the album or by the album, so let's hope that comes to fruition. Also, she randomly showed up to a fans house today?? How is she an angel?? I just can't with how wonderful she is.

Then, the crew and I decided that, even though Destiny was off today, we wanted to get together for lunch, and obvi we weren't going to go to Applebee's. So Teresa saw this deal going on at Macado's and it was like special prices on their Mexican food items, so that's where we went. I drove, which was a nice change of pace because usually it's always Teresa haha. My car is much dirtier, but I was happy to oblige because Teresa thought she locked her keys in her car, but magically (we think someone saw them on the ground and did this) were in her door just hanging in the lock? Super lucky, but weird. Anyway, we had a wonderful lunch at Macado's, and that Southwestern Quesadilla BITCH. It was so fucking good. Highly recommend. We came back a little late, because traffic, but it's all good. We always have a good time, just a good ole hoot and a holler.

I had price changes in the new screen, and it was weird because they were giving two different products but the same mod location. So after talking about it with Dennis and Shanan, I just left it, because it makes no sense and no one has any answers because no one has been taught on them yet. It's just a messed. I came home, started doing some boosts and playing Splatoon, and then I've been typing up this blog, and talking to Benzo on FaceTime. I did find this website though called Zebit where it's like a buy now, pay later thing, and they HAVE APPLE PRODUCTS. I couldn't get a MacBook, but I thought about getting an Apple Watch to build up my limit, but my card got declined, so I took it as a sign to not go through with it, at least for right now. So now, I'll gonna post this blog, end this call with Benzo, and then it's time to get into bed with That '70s Show. I decided to skip the Season 2 premiere of Riverdale because I had so much to do, and I'll catch it latra.

This has been a bulky blog for once haha. What can I say?

Hopefully, the next couple days leading into the next blog can be as information filled and wonderful. Low key expecting but high key wanting another single to drop from Taylor Friday, but who knows. Also, the song in the NP is such a kick ass song from her Red album. I've been seeing a lot of dislike for it lately, and it was talking about during this week's episode of Swiftcast (A podcast I recently picked back up again) where the creator of that song list from Rolling Stone rating every Taylor song ever was guesting on it, and they don't like that song. IT'S SUCH AN EMOTIONAL BOP LIKE HOW DARE YOU?? But yeah. Hella representing Red up in this bitch. Plus, I've been listening to it lately since seeing this massive dislike. I posted about what I've been seeing about The Last Time on Tumblr and people were like THEY'RE WRONG.

Sorry, I had to haha. I can't say that word without thinking of this orange idiot. Plus, my impression of him is one of my favorite things ever haha. I blame the liberal propaganda (That's one of my favorite things to say in his accent/impression. Ignore this trash). Until next time, holla.

I GOT BINGHOH,

-- Jesse

Eat Some Goddamn Spaghetti

| Now Playing: Wanna Be by Betty Who |

It's a  long cold walk after midnight
When you send me home.
'Cause she comes around late and she hates it
When we're all alone.
She's beautiful and I just can't compete.

But I'd ride with you, die with you,
I'd spend my life with you.
Stuck with me, fuck with me,
So come make love to me.
I know she's sweet, but she isn't me.
Where she lies in your eyes,
That's where I wanna be.

When a stranger says we look good together,
We just laugh.
If you only knew how it hurts,
'Cause you're my other half.
This nightmare has become my favorite dream,
'Cause I'm standing in for a love that is the real thing.

You know I need you 'cause,
I'd ride with you, die with you,
I'd spend my life with you.
Stuck with me, fuck with me,
So come make love to me.
I know she's sweet, but she isn't me.
Where she lies in your eyes,
That's where I wanna be.
______________________________________________________

So remember how in the last blog I talked about how I was headed to bed after eating my leftover Mexican? I should have known better. I don't know if that's the real reason behind why it was so hard for me to find sleep, but alas, I didn't sleep very well. So waking up Thursday morning was quite the trials and tribulations for me. Luckily, once I got going, I was alright. It was just the getting going that was the issue.

Apparently, I had the perfect day off on Wednesday, because we didn't have a truck the night before, so that was a blessing. But for some crazy reason, I thought I was going to get to stay in more of a routine today, but that didn't end up happening, what else is new. But it was a good day regardless. Nothing crazy remarkable happened.

Once I got home though, the real fun began. After the wonderful combo of cowboy beans for dinner and the ritualistic viewing of Judge Judy with my grandparents during dinner, I did my boosts for taylorswifttix, per usge. I started watching That '70s Show while I was doing so, but then my grandma came and helped me switch out the boxes so that I have cable back on my tv in my room, so that's super wonderful. Then, since I had a little bit of time before TGIT began, I decided to stitch witch that super cute pink hoodie I got from Ross. It worked out pretty perfect! I'm still debating on whether or not I should write REP on the back, probably lowercase, because while I still really want the hoodie that's on Taylor's website, I never wear pullover hoodies. Although, now that I'm experienced at stitch witching hoodies, I suppose I could do that to the Taylor hoodie too. Because I really do want it. Anyway, here's pic of my handiwork.

Then I watched Grey's, always good, and Will & Grace, HILARIOUS. Literally I'm so damn glad that it's back on the air. Next up is HTGAWM, and I'm writing this in between the break from Will & Grace and the time for Murder to come back on. So get ready for me going off about that right after this sentence ends. DAMNNNN. Annalise Keating is mukafuking BACK. She's such a boss ass bitch and I love her. After watching HTGAWM, I headed to bed. I fell asleep almost as soon as I turned on That '70s Show, which was good since it was already so late and I needed to get to bed.

I tried that Reese's creamer that I bought from work yesterday when I woke up and enh. It's good, but I expected more of a Reese's taste, I guess. Thanks I guess. But it still made for a good cup of coffee. I guess I've just gotten so used to a stronger tasting coffee that it was a little lost on me, but obviously I'm going to keep drinking it. Work wasn't too bad, only that since the prenotes didn't download yesterday, there was a crazy amount of freight left behind, at least for me. If you ask me, that's not really much of an excuse, but what do I know? So I was running freight until 1:30. Yeah, that was my day. But I kept singing the song in the NP, the wonderful song that I've been addicted to since writing to it the other night, in my head throughout the day, so that was helping me get by. Other than that, work wasn't too bad. Except for the Hatchimals situation. New ones set at midnight, and no one put them out. So I got cussed out by customers for not having them out earlier than noon, but ya know. Home girl was over it .com.org.uk.edu.k12. I also started a new song today, and the first lyrics, BITCH. Why am I doing this to myself? "Vice grip snakes around my lungs, I keep breathing but the venom always comes." LITERALLY I THINK THAT'S SO GOOD. anyway. I keep thinking about me like making

Then I came home, and worked on my boosts, I'm over 1200 now haha. Then did some writing! THREE CHEERS FOR WRITING AFTER WORK PART TWO. This scene I'm writing is melting my black heart into a possible working one, so that's nice. I just love this book and how everything is coming together. It's going to be so hard if I have to pick a favorite one day in this series haha. After writing while listening to both Betty Who albums, since I also wrote on lunch again! While listening to Melodrama because always. But for real, after that, all I did was honestly lay in bed and peruse the internet before I finally settled down with That '70s Show and finally got some sleep.

I didn't wake up this morning until almost noon, after waking up around 8 and heading back to sleep. I didn't mean to sleep so late, but the body wants what the body wants, and I ain't gonna fight it, ya heard. I've spent most of today doing what I love to do: writing. I did play some Splatoon 2 throughout the day, because sometimes home girl needs to vent out some frustrations with some ink blasting. But I continued to build scenes in chapter seven today, and it was just wonderful. I listened to multiple albums while I did so too haha. Most of Taylor Swift's Red, All of Carly Rae's EMOTION, most of Sleeping With Sirens' Gossip album, and of course, I kept listening to Betty Who's Wanna Be, because I'm literally so obsessed. How did I get along without that song in my life? Honestly, I have no earthly idea. Anyway, the writing was awesome. I got to write this scene that I've been envisioning since the very beginning stages of Book Two, and it was so fun to see it finally be poured over the page. I kept on having multiple winds of motivation, and one of them was because I got another review for my book!

This one came from someone I connected with on Twitter a month or two ago. He's a writer too and he said he would read my book and I never really thought twice on it. But he tweeted me his review of it, posted it to Goodreads, AND posted it to Amazon. He's literally an angel. I was so excited about it, it inspired winds two and three of motivation haha. So that was super amazing to have happen today.

And the title comes from a quote that my grandma said today during dinner haha. My grandpa was talking about two of his favorite P subjects (Don't ask) and the title is what my grandma said in response haha. There's literally never a dull moment on the Mawmaw & Pawpaw Show. They should honestly have their own reality show, I'm not kidding.

Now it's time to settle down with That '70s Show and get some sleep. Ian was here working on the skylight in the kitchen, and some general fixing of the ceiling, and apparently he's gonna be back in the morning to do some more, so I'm sure I'll either get woken up by him, or worse. So I better get to snoozin'.

A renowned spaghetti enthusiast,

-- Jesse

Letting Go

| Now Playing: Dark by Рыбы |

Dripping loss,
Like a faucet broken off, at the helm.
I've been to hell,
And I don't even feel the pain, novacane.
Screaming soft,
Not enough to ever stop, all the noise.
A tossed out toy,
With no home to call my own, all alone.

And I don't wanna need you,
So over being dark blue.
And though I'm scared to leave you,
I gotta shed this old hue.

I feel dark most of the time,
Even when I'm lashing out for light.
And I don't wanna be a demon,
But all I know are evil feelings.
I wanna be good and I wanna be okay.
But first I gotta learn,
To let go of the darkest days.
_____________________________________________

Immediately after my last blog, I ended up going out with Benzo. Which honestly was for the best because I was feeling so damn weird. It was weird because nothing explicitly bad happened for me to be feeling the way that I was feeling, but yeah. I really needed to see her, and apparently, I just really needed to get out of the house too. And since I decided that I didn't want to record my reaction to Shania's new album, I decided to start listening to it in the car on the way to Alejandro's after I hopped out of the shower. So, of course, the food was amazing, as usual. I got my usual, and Benzo went with something new. But yeah, it was just needed. So after telling her about how I was feeling, I was listening to her recap of what's been going on with her lately, and I started having a panic attack. Literally no idea why, no rhyme or reason behind it, but it was intense. Luckily, Benz had a pill for me to take to calm me, and it helped, but main it was intense and I was over it. It was just something I didn't need after feeling the way that I was feeling.

After we wallowed around Ross and acquired things that we knew weren't gonna buy (Except I did get this super amazing aux cord that's both blue and pink, #aesthetic) and had a good time with that. I tried on some stuff, but the blue shoes I was gonna get didn't fit, and they were Converse and so fucking cute. But ya know. And there was thing awesome pink hoodie that I didn't get because, while it fit, I didn't think I looked to good in it. Here's a picture to remind myself that I can't wear pink like that.

Ugh. Awful. But that HUF hoodie was literally so fucking cute and comfortable. Then we watched a video of Collette (Shay's perfect angel of a wife that he doesn't deserve) and her video had some things in it that I really liked. Accepting that certain dreams you envisioned aren't coming true, learning to let go. I tried to let that sink in, but my body wasn't ready for it, I guess. I even almost completely started bawling at Sonic for now damn reason. I'm literally a mess. But then I came home, tried to cry because it's all I wanted to do, just get it out of my system, and I couldn't. I even looked into movies that have made me cry before and the Izzie and Denny scene where she yells WHAT ABOUT ME?? that always makes me cry, and nothing. Somehow, I actually got to sleep. It felt like I was just dead inside.

I woke up, feeling sort of neutral. But ultimately, I started feeling bummed out. But what else is new? On the way to work, I guess I started to feel a little bit better. I was listening to more of Shania's new album, so maybe that's why. But once I got to work, I was trying really, really hard, to feel better. And even though I had two pallets of freight, I was feeling better. But I was also still reeling from everything that happened the night before. And at around 10:30, something incredible happened. I was thinking about how I wish I could just let go of feeling this way, and I heard this melody in my head. And it came with the start of a lyric. "Dripping loss like a faucet broken off at the helm." And I was like, oh my god. This is a song. This is a song that I have to write. And within an hour, the song was finished. I even melded one of the lyrics I had written in my Notes app into it, and wrote, like, my first serious song. It's so good. I recorded the melodies and everything into my phone because I didn't want to forget this thing that helped me sort of let go of how I was feeling. The song is addressed to my depression, and I don't know, something amazing happened in that moment. I was free of it. At least for the time being. I felt so amazing after all of that. It literally became such a good day. The NP reflects the song that I wrote because it's literally the song that I've been going back to the most over the past couple days, and even though I'm not a real artist, I like to pretend, so I added a fake artist name that represents me. It's Russian for Pisces, which I have tatted on my right wrist, so it fits. You're welcome.

And since I've been home, I finished Shania's album. It's so fucking good. I'm going to be listening to it for a while, to soak in it. I did my boosts for taylorswiftix and oh, yesterday I passed 1000 boosts! So proud haha. Anyway, I did my boosts and finally got the chance to watch more of That '70s Show. I started Season Two and it's been wonderful to just sit back, relax, and enjoy my show. Then I hopped in the shower and settled into bed.

The next morning wasn't too bad, not from what I can remember anyway. After being so down on Sunday, I wasn't too worried about coming into work because I had written the song and I was still feeling free from it all, so I had a pretty great day. Even though there was all this chaos going on because there was word that company might be coming and because of that, people were just putting me on edge and I was over it. But any time throughout the day that I felt myself slipping or getting overwhelmed or just feeling dark in a general sense, I started to sing my song in my head, and I instantly started to feel better. Maybe it's because I poured my crying soul into creating that song, but it really does help put things into perspective for me, and I'm so glad I have that to lean on now in my times of need. Because let's be honest, there are going to be plenty more coming my way in the nearing future. For whatever reason, I was so tired that day. Like no matter what I did, I was just drained and over it. There were a couple times throughout the day that I didn't know if I was going to make it or not. And since I talked to Seanathan Michael about coming in early for Tuesday (I had mods due in a few categories), I knew I was going to be going to sleep early anyways.

I came home, and started watching some of That '70s Show and doing my boosts, because that's all I was going to do. I was going to do my boosts, and then head to bed because 4am comes real quick when you're not used to waking up at that hour. But while doing said boosts and watching That '70s Show, I was falling asleep. Sitting up. Like I don't know what I was so tired because the night before I actually slept really well. But ya girl was tired I guess. I laid down around 6:30 and that was all she wrote. I kept waking up, because it's weird to sleep through the night like that, starting so early, but when my alarm eventually went off, I felt so well rested. Ready to conquer anything the Earth had to throw at me, and that was a wonderful feeling. So I went into work Tuesday morning feeling great. Even better was the fact that the mods weren't nearly half as bad as I thought they were going to be, and I finished all of them within the two hours that everyone else would start coming into work for our normal shift.

I went by a semi-normal day after finishing the mods, but I was still cleaning up stuff from this morning. And then Seanathan Michael found my Barbie trend pod, so I ended up setting that, but that wasn't too horrible. Knowing that I was getting off at 2 instead off 4 was a great feeling, and I was in good spirits all day long because of it. Coupled with my wonderful amount of sleep and the fact that I was off the next day, I wasn't slowing down on the happy trail for a while, and it felt really good to be thriving on that feed. 

Coming home early, I got some boosts done that I didn't get to do yesterday, so that was great. And then I did something I normally never do on work days, which is writing! I finished the entire opening scene of chapter seven, and it's all going according to plan (TM, Corpse Bride). I redownloaded and listened to Betty Who's The Valley album while I wrote, and I think I wrote that album off a little too quickly. It's actually pretty incredible, and I think I'm going to be listening to it a lot more here soon. I want to keep up listening to Shania, and even some Demi that I've been listening to lately, but I just feel like this is the album I need to listen to for right now, if that makes sense? I don't know, but it was super awesome to get some writing done. Pretty much after that, I did boosts until it was time for bed, and then I watched new movie on Netflix.

It's called What Happened To Monday, and obsessed. It's absolutely incredible, and I was in love with it from start to finish. It definitely gives off Orphan Black vibes, because it deals with identity a lot, and Noomi Rapace is playing multiple people, just minus the clones. But yeah, it's absolutely wonderful in every way, and even though my favorite of the sisters wasn't as lucky as the others, it's still a fantastic film that I totes recommend. 

Also, this poster for the movie is BADASS. I fucking love it. Also, is it just me, or is Noomi giving anyone else total Troian Bellisario vibes? Like the entire time I was watching the movie, I kept thinking that she was giving me Troian even though she wasn't trying too. Like for instance, in this poster above, Tuesday (the one with reddish brown hair) and Friday (the one in glasses and plaid) are serving straight up Troian. All I see is a grown up Troian and I'm fucking living for it.

Anyway, then, like I did the night before, I just went ahead and watched That '70s Show while I was heading to bed.

Falling asleep pretty much as soon as I turned on That '70s Show and turned over, I woke up feeling pretty great, getting a good night's rest. I woke up around ten thirty, and wondered whether or not Benzo and I were gonna get together. I sat down to possibly do some writing, but ended up just doing some writing for this blog instead, which was fine. I also watched another Netflix film today. Gerald's Game, based off of a Stephen King novel. It was fantastic. It has Carla Gugino in it and I absolutely love her, so I was in. So so good. I really want to start reading a plethora of Stephen King novels, but honestly, all my spare time goes into writing my second book, so I don't know when I'll ever have enough time for that, but I really really want to.

So once Benzo and I were on the same page, it was decided that we were going to get together, and try and get our nails done, which was super exciting for me because I've never had a manicure or a pedicure, but today I ended up getting both. But first, like the true trash I am, I suggested that we meet up at Alejandro's because where else would we go, to be honest? And for whatever reason, our food was fucking incredible. The chips, the sweet tea, the food itself. It was just perfect. So then we headed to the place that, unbeknownst to us, we both had our eyes on. So we headed downtown to check it out. And after a few mini panic attacks, we found parking, but the place didn't have enough time for what we wanted. Then we went to the place near DQ on Orange and they said the same thing. We found refuge at the place in the mall, where we got what we were looking for.

And despite telling my grandma that the only thing I didn't want was have them clip my nails, but everything was happening so fast and everything that it happened. The massage chair was a no bueno for me, so Benzo had to turn it off for me because helpless. The feeling of having the nail clippers under my nails under someone else's control? Agonizing. I can't stand the feeling anyway, let alone giving that control over to someone I don't know. I was afraid that she was going to catch skin, and I was terrified, but it didn't happen. So I'm thankful that she was a professional and super knowledgeable about cutting nails, I guess haha. The process was fun, but honestly, I had no idea that you weren't supposed to have that skin on your nails? #totesmasc. Anyway, I forgot to add that before that we tried to play some bingo, and even finally made our way to Gator Hall, but Smokers R Us, so we left. But after the nail place in the mall, we headed over to Ross, and I actually ended up getting that pink hoodie haha. Benzo also got those shoes she was eyeing the last time we went.

Then we aimed for home. And I immediately ate my leftover Mexican because always, and I started cutting that hoodie down the middle (Right down the middle? Right down the middle, TM The Parent Trap 1998) so I could wear it better. I found a tutorial to make it into a zipper hoodie, so I might do that. Either that, or I'll use some stitch witchery on it and just made it a sort of jacket. Either way I'm fine with it. I'll have to look up zippers and how much work it is because Lays Potato Chips.

Now, it's time for continuing on with That '70s Show and lay in bed. I'm pretty tired, but also pretty full, so we'll see how this goes. Also, I'd like to point out that I wore my rep hat out in public today, turns backwards like a total douchebag, but I actually think I looked pretty good in it. And so yeah. I'm just full of firsts in this blog.

Learning to let go,

-- Jesse